Texas GOP comes out against oral sex, the UN, and the Supreme Court

The Texas Republican Party has passed its new election platform, including a ban on pornography, oral sex, gay marriage, sodomy, strip clubs -- they also want to ditch the Federal Reserve, "withhold Supreme Court jurisdiction in cases involving abortion, religious freedom, and the Bill of Rights," "oppose the implementation of one world currency" (why was I not informed of this One World Currency? It would sure make travel simpler!), and get the US out of the UN. The platform itself seems to be down (if you've got a working link, post it to comments -- here's one), but here's some verbatim highlights.
The GOP there has voted on a platform that would ban oral and anal sex. It also would give jail sentences to anyone who issues a marriage license to a same-sex couple (even though such licenses are already invalid in the state).

"We oppose the legalization of sodomy," the platform says. "We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy."

Ah yes, the "no blowjobs party" -- that'll bring out the vote!

Texas GOP platform: criminalize gay marriage and ban sodomy, outlaw strip clubs and pornography (Thanks, @greatdismal!)

(Image: wingnut, a Creative Commons Attribution Share-Alike (2.0) image from genista's photostream)


  1. This strikes me as one of those press releases that will be cited during a scandal in which some Texas Republican is caught having oral or anal sex.

    Things like this always end up screwing politicians in the ass, figuratively speaking of course…

    1. Or worse, caught at the bank exchanging US dollars for “one world currency” or deferring to the Supreme Court on the Bill of Rights!

  2. Some other party needs to add “blowjobs are awesome!” to their election platform, stat.

      1. If elected, I promise to end blowjoblessness once and for all.

        Personally? Most politicians only have time for their corporate campaign contributors.

      1. Come to Australia, we’ve already got that (http://www.sexparty.org.au/). They’re putting candidates up for election right now. Australia, like America, but with far fewer Republicans

        Nice try, but I spent about a year there in the late 1990s so I remember Pauline Hanson. Crazy-ass demagoguery knows no borders.

    1. RE: “Some other party needs to add “blowjobs are awesome!” to their election platform, stat.”

      I think Bill Clinton already personally endorsed this stance for the Democrats years ago.

      1. Well if getting extramarital blowjobs was the same thing as officially endorsing them then Newt Gingrich has been on board since 1980.

  3. Surely, this is just some kind of political stress testing. Pushing the GOP to failure, as it were.

  4. No strip clubs? Wouldn’t that devastate the economy of Dallas?

    And the oral sex ban seems problematic, as the GOP is essentially a corporate glory hole.

    1. No strip clubs? Wouldn’t that devastate the economy of Dallas?

      Exactly what I was thinking.

  5. This hurts to read. Every time I start thinking the GOP might be sane, they do something like this.

  6. “…and get the US out of the UN…”

    What the hell difference would that make. The US does whatever the hell it wants to do anyway and as far as I know the US doesn’t even pay their dues. All that would do is basically put an official “Rogue State” sticker on the one country that truly deserves it. These boneheads haven’t really given much thought to how ridiculous any of this platform is.

  7. OK, granted I’ve been sick for a few days and not as sharp as usual.
    Seeing that headline, then trying to identify that picture, the first thought was “screwed”.
    The second was “stopcock”.
    Wingnut didn’t occur to me until I read the caption.

  8. Swearing off blowjobs and non-marital sex may not matter nearly as much as you might think.

    These are Texas Republicans, remember… membership in the party is dependent on not being able to get laid in a cheap cathouse with Bill Gates’s credit cards, and they desperately want to prevent other people from having what they can’t get and don’t remember how to do.

  9. They specifically advocate making the marriage of, or recognition of the marriage of, two people of the same sex, a felony. For context, beating one’s spouse, in Texas, is a misdemeanor offense the first time it is done (Assault family violence causes injury, it’s called).

    The platform advocates the repeal of the minimum wage and prevailing wage laws, but also “opposes” “human trafficking in any form”.

    “Creating a free market for water” and “using the regulation model of the oil and gas industry as a model for the water market” – translation, “I. Drink. Your. Milkshake! I drink it up!

    Teaching the Controversy.

    Allowing anyone with a diploma from a diploma mill to take the Bar Exam (Want to have nightmares for months? Find out how many existing lawyers admitted to the Texas State Bar have been disciplined for ethics violations).

    Anyone who doesn’t have XY or XX chromosomes? “Fuck you, you’re not human”. [OK, that’s just a paraphrase.] Anyone who developed an unusual set of reproductive organs in the womb or some of both male and female organs? Fuck you, you’re not human.

    One of my favourites:

    “Securing the integrity of elections by verifying the citizenship of those registering to vote, requiring a photo ID to vote, and removing non-qualified voters from registration.”

    Know how they know you’re “non-qualified”? You moved in the past electoral term. You failed to respond to a letter mailed to you at an address you’ve had in the past electoral term. Someone with the same sur and given name as you died within 150 miles of the electoral district. Someone with the same sur and given name as you has been convicted of a felony in the same district in the past electoral term.

    “verifying the citizenship” – translation, “Take this citizenship exam and if you pass you can vote.” Hello Jim Crow.

    1. Allowing anyone with a diploma from a diploma mill to take the Bar Exam (Want to have nightmares for months? Find out how many existing lawyers admitted to the Texas State Bar have been disciplined for ethics violations).

      the best part is that, iirc, the east texas court district is the court district that handles the most copyright and patent related lawsuits in USA.

      it really makes me wonder how corporate libertarians and moral conservatives ended up shaking hands under the same banner. USA, the last bastion of calvinism?

  10. The platform is nuts. The PDF of the whole thing is here:



    Making such a big deal out of the oral sex thing may be a mistake. As far as I can tell, the platform never mentions oral sex.

    It says it’s against sodomy, which technically does include oral sex, but colloquially doesn’t.

    Most people saying the word “sodomy” don’t mean oral sex, and (though I don’t know for sure) it seems likely that these bozos in Texas don’t either.

  11. In Mother Russia General Electric makes 10.8 billion in profits without paying a cent in taxes, but you go to the gulag for getting a blowjob.

    Oh, I’m sorry, that’s America living under Texas law.

    Hey Texas, feel free to leave Austin with Oklahoma and secede the union at any time.

  12. (if you’ve got a working link, post it to comments)

    Found this:

    Looks legit, though I can’t say for sure.

    1. 9. A free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference

      … unless there’s some anal action going on and then it’s time for the GOP to “get in the middle of it”, so to speak.

  13. Oh, the Texas GOP Platform is always a prime source of right-wing crazy. This page at Raw Story has a PDF link to the whole platform for this year. I love how they contradict their own principles.

    For example, on page 1: We further support abolition of federal agencies involved in activities not originally delegated to the federal government under a strict interpretation of the Constitution. But then, on page 20: NASA — We support full funding for the Constellation program that will take the U.S. out of low earth orbit and back to the moon. We also support funding for the Aerospace Commission and private sector research and development of space technology. Gee, I don’t recall NASA being mentioned in the Constitution.

    Or here, on page 3: We propose that every Texas driver license shall indicate whether the driver is a U.S. citizen. No such documentation shall be issued to anyone not legally in the country. But then, on the next page: As the Real ID Act effectively creates an unconstitutional and privacy-inhibiting national ID card, we hereby call for its immediate repeal.

    They also call for “strict interpretation” of the Constitution, but then (page 20) call for the government to “clarify” the 14th Amendment to do away with birthright citizenship, in blatant contradiction of what the amendment actually says.

  14. Basically, religious conservatives are against ANY sexual act that does not have the potential to impregnate a woman. So oral and anal are bad. Sex between women, bad. Sex between men, bad. Sex between men and women with contraceptives, really bad. They don’t care if you are married or not (see: Bristol Palin) or if the sex is consensual or not. They don’t even want you getting a vaccine for the virus that can cause cervical cancer because STDs are a detterant to having sex. They don’t want married women in Africa using condoms to protect themselves from getting AIDS from their husbands. Once you understand their logic, it all kinda makes sense.

    1. Maybe they don’t know that oral and/or anal sex can’t cause pregnancy. After all, states with abstinence only sex education (which right-wing nut jobs support) leave their students thinking that that’s the case.

    1. Well, to paraphrase Gny. Sgt. Hartman seeing as “there are nothing but steers and queers in Texas” and love between men is forbidden, it looks like they’ve narrowed that down.

  15. Um, isn’t it the Supreme Court’s job to be the ultimate interpreter of the Constitution, which includes the Bill of Rights?

  16. Fine, you know what? Let’s do it your way. We’ll ban oral sex and sodomy and all the rest of it, we’ll get the US out of the UN, the whole 9 yards. On one condition. The next time one of your hypocritical gas-bags who go on television to vilify everything except free-market capitalism, the missionary position and the right to bear arms – the next time one of these guys is caught in flagrante with a prostitute or turns out to like indulging in a little Friday-night sodomy – the next time that happens, they get the needle. Deal?

  17. “Ah yes, the ‘no blowjobs party’ — that’ll bring out the vote”

    I guess if they’re not getting any they think no one else should either.

  18. Aw, what will I do with all these World Currency single bills if there’s no strip clubs?

    1. Spend it abroad. That’s why you need to ban a world currency – to stop people doing that kind of thing outside of Texas, as well as inside of Texans – er, sorry, Texas.

    1. I think they’re okay, as long as they only have missionary sex with the “natural” woman with whom they’re married in the eyes of God. :-P

    2. What’s their platform say about scantily-clad male unicorns?

      Republicans, of course, secretly fund scantily-clad male unicorns while publicly denouncing them.

      What else are closeted, self-loathing Gay Old People to do?

  19. Aaaand a hundred million conservatives and Republicans do a simultaneous facepalm. Used to be, we were for smaller government, less intrusion into the lives of the public (except for the bedroom, I see), small business and general freedom. Now I have to defend felonies for giving out a piece of paper without any legal meaning? Plus the official position of the Texas GOP is to try to get people to stop thinking of blowjobs and Clinton and start thinking of us instead? They just did the colloquial definition of sodomy to me. I’m building my spaceship.

  20. And of those worthy Texas Solons forced to hang it up because of a scandal, what do you think they will have done? How did they skip adultery, it’s a political must-do?
    I love the ones who a major blood boil over gays and we later find out that they’re….you’re way ahead of me.
    But they can all have second careers as talk show hosts, TV ministers, or lobbyists.

  21. From the pdf:

    “We affirm that this section is a response to the attacks on traditional family values. These include well funded, vigorous political and judicial attempts by powerful organizations and branches of the government to force acceptance, affirmation and normalization of homosexual behavior upon school children, parents, educational institutions, businesses, employees, government bodies and religious institutions and charities. These aggressive, intolerant efforts
    marginalize as bigots anyone who dissents.”

    “We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been
    ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans. Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable “alternative” lifestyle in our public education and policy, nor should “family” be redefined to include homosexual “couples.””

    The little dears. *vomit*

  22. Some more highlights:

    “We urge change of the Internal Revenue Code to allow a religious organization to address
    issues without fear of losing its tax-exempt status.” Translation: Clergy must be allowed to endorse political candidates from the pulpit and raise money for their campaigns.

    They oppose anything “like” the “Fairness Doctrine”, which — if it still existed — would prevent (for example) Fox News from calling itself a journalistic entity: The FCC’s Fairness Doctrine required news outlets to provide equitable coverage of public issues instead of being free to propagandise (Glenn Beck uses so much Nazi stock reel footage it’s frightening).

    They’re against “privacy-invading” identification documentation (Real ID) but are for privacy-invading identification documentation (mandatory citizenship status on driver’s licenses).

    The american flag is “sacred” – because they oppose the “desecration” of it, and any use of the flag they don’t agree with ought to be a crime.

    Here’s another really scary part: They support the repeal of no-fault divorce laws. No-fault divorce laws make it possible for women to walk away from abusive husbands (and for men to walk away from abusive wives) without mortgaging their entire financial future to pay the costs of the divorce and without having to prove, with a criminal conviction or civil decision, the fault of the other party. They support “Covenant Marriage”. Want nightmares for weeks? Look up what a “Covenant Marriage” constitutes.


    Need Gene Therapy to cure the disease you have? Does your child need Gene Therapy to cure their disease? Texas GOP’s answer: Fuck You, suffer and/or die.

    Know about child abuse? You’re not going to be able to make an anonymous tip to child protective services: you would be required to give your name and occupation. BUT this will be kept “strictly confidential”, right up to the point that someone subpoenas it.

    HIV positive? Fuck you, you’re not human.

    Got tenure? Not any more.

    “Judeo-Christian Nation – As America is a nation under God founded on Judeo-Christian principles, we affirm the constitutional right of all individuals to worship in the religion of their choice.” That word, I do nae’ think it mean wha’ you think it mean.

    (Lest you think that they actually mean the second half of that sentence, they follow it up with “We pledge our influence toward … dispelling the myth of separation of church and state.”

    *taking a breath*

    1. As America is a nation under God founded on Judeo-Christian principles, we affirm the constitutional right of all individuals to worship in the religion of their choice.

      Sounds like they’re saying (to paraphrase Henry Ford) “you can have any religion you want, as long as it’s christian.”

      1. Indeed, as well as “You can have any religion you want, so long as you don’t wind up involved in any manner of government function.”

  23. As my colleague here points out, “Bless their little hearts.”

    (For those who don’t know, that’s a Texas-polite four-word translation for about four pages worth of comments, of which the sole printable word is “the” – it appears twice.)

  24. “We support the individual right to enter into real estate contracts without Government interference
    or regulations.” Translation: When the bank collects 355 of the 360 mortgage payments you’ve made, and then jump the interest rate sevenfold, and you can’t possibly make the next three payments much less five, they’re free to act on an escape clause they put into the contract, foreclose on your home, sell it at auction (which was announced only to other banks and only with 48 hours notice), /then/ evict you and claim the equity against the difference in the market value of the house and what they got for it at auction — based on representations you’ve made to them of your earnings potential and your credit rating. And you won’t be able to take them to court to stop them.

    Wrongly convicted of a crime and have a major heart attack because of the stress? You will die before you can make an appeal, because you will not get “extraordinary” medical care while in prison.

    If you are not heterosexual, and have a significant other, and some bigot assaults and/or kills your significant other — on video, in front of multiple witnesses, on video, while screaming insults — and a bigot or bigots on the jury refuses to convict? Too fucking bad. That’s your one trial.

    There’s tonnes of clearly retrograde bullshit in there too.

  25. I try so hard to treat the Republicans like adults who actually have valid positions to bring to the table and then . . .

  26. Oh, I /have/ to mention this: Use, sale, purchase or possession of a realistic device whose “intent” is to “stimulate the genitals” – ? That’s /sodomy/ to them.

    Dildo? Felony.

    Male Masturbator Device? Felony.

    Ribbed Condoms? /Felony/.

    Flavoured / minty / warming personal lubricant? Felony.

    Fun Fact: It is only in the past two and a half years that it has been legal to sell, buy, possess, or use a realistic dildo / device / ribbed condom / mint\warming lubricant. Before then, people who bought or sold them or were caught with them — and who were convicted under that law — may still have to register as sex offenders.

  27. This is the sort of thing I’d expect to see alongside a ballot initiative to lower the voting age to 13.

    An omnidirectional angst platform? Seriously?

  28. Now, just how many of the Republicans supporting this insane horseshit of a bill will vote to pass it, and then go home and engage in oral sex? Every single one that can? That’s what I guessed too.

    Seriously, what the ^#%! is wrong with Texas Republicans? Do they ALL suffer from severe head injuries?

  29. If there are no strip clubs or blowjobs or even porn, what will politicians do to pass the time now?

  30. “4. The sanctity of human life, created in the image of God, which should be protected from fertilization to
    natural death.”

    I didn’t know the Texas Republicans were against the death penalty.

  31. “Morning After Pill – We oppose sale and use of the dangerous “Morning After Pill.'”

    This is the worst, the Morning After Pill prevents fertilization and is in no way an abortion pill or anymore dangerous than the Birth Control Pill. If more women had access to the Morning After Pill in the event of a condom breaking then it could actually reduce the number of abortions.

    1. Ah, but to them all of those count as abortion, since life begins the moment the Barry White starts to play.

      Anyway, I’m thinking they mean “dangerous” as in “a danger to our control over a woman’s body.”

    1. That makes sense. Same Grand Ol’ Party. I suppose in Texas they’re just less shy about exposing themselves. They’re policies, I mean.

  32. Just when I thought the state of Texas couldn’t become a bigger laughing stock, they come out with this platform –a smelly, little slab of greasy fascism?

    The thing that really bugs me is that most of those folks down there will not even read the party platform and simply vote solely because there’s an “R” next to someone’s name. In which case, I can safely say that Texas will get the government it deserves.

  33. You People don’t understand! The Texas GOP was forced to put these planks in their platform because you liberals started destroying society by taking prayer out of schools, libelling the tobacco, beef, and oil industry, and letting women work outside the home!

    But seriously. I’m deeply disappointed that the Democrats haven’t made a series of advertisements that plays up the Loony Party aspect of the GOP. It would be easy.

    1. It looks like it is. Here’s the section on sodomy from the pdf:

      “We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy.”

  34. Well you know, half of Texas is ass. Hmmmm, that means half of it isn’t. Maybe I’m being generous.

      1. As a commenter above pointed out, though, bestiality isn’t illegal in Texas, so it wouldn’t be illegal to fuck the horse they rode in on.

  35. While it did indeed devolve into the aforementioned sodomy nonsense, I thought the linked PDF actually started off kind of promising:

    “We urge review and revision of those portions of the USA Patriot Act, and related executive and military orders and directives that erode constitutional rights and essential liberties of citizens.”

    “We charge the President to cancel the state of national emergency and charge Congress to repeal the War Powers Act and end our declared state of emergency.”

    “We demand elimination of presidential authority to issue executive orders and other mandates lacking congressional approval, as well as repeal of all previous executive orders and mandates”

    “The Government shall not, by rule or law, exempt any of its members from the provisions of such rule or law.”

    “All bills passed … should require a recorded vote, and that bill voted on not be changed after the vote.”

    Unfortunately it appears many republicans are much more serious about homosexuality than limited government.

    1. As for the promising part of it, you missed the footnote that says “until a Republican is in the White House again.” ;-)

  36. Put a hundred sexually repressed men with computers in a room and this is the policy they’ll come up with.

    Someone needs to introduce them to the porn “tube” sites, which would be a better use of their computer time.

    1. Heh! Maybe the “Holoship” episode of Red Dwarf was onto something:

      LIFT: Floor 3125: Sports and sexual recreation.

      RIMMER: (Suddenly stops grinning inanely) Sports and what?

      CRANE: Sex. Don’t you have a sex deck on your ship?

      RIMMER: Nnno.

      CRANE: Well, what do you do when you want to have sex?

      RIMMER: Well… we go for runs. Watch gardening programmes on the ship’s vid.

      CRANE: That’s very bad for you. Don’t you ever feel tense or frustrated?

      RIMMER: Well it’s got worse these last ten years or so, I can’t deny it.

      CRANE: Extraordinary. It’s quite different here. In fact, it’s a ship regulation that we all have sexual congress at least twice a day. It’s a health rule.

      RIMMER: Twice a day? That’s more than some people manage in a lifetime!

  37. The GOP opposes sodomy because they prefer their heads up their asses more than anything else.

  38. “No strip clubs? Wouldn’t that devastate the economy of Dallas?”

    Nah, Dallas actually has changed the strip club landscape massively over the last ten years, and a lot of clubs have closed or been forced to move. (And, even more seriously, while there are a lot of strip clubs in Dallas compared to other cities, that doesn’t really make a dent in the economy of a city of a million people.)

    Also, no mention of the platform’s rejection of red light cameras? BECAUSE THAT IS AWESOME.

    1. >Also, no mention of the platform’s rejection of red light cameras? BECAUSE THAT IS AWESOME.

      Methinks somebody in the Texas Republican Party has earned himself a few too many tickets.

  39. I disagree with almost the entire platform, but there is a non trivial amount of FUD here. Most notably, there is absolutely nothing in there about oral sex. It doesn’t help your cause to try and embellish that which does not need it. If you were to send this to a GOP friend as proof that their party is insAne and they spend the three seconds it takes to fact check, they are going to think you stupid, hysterical, or dishonest. Neither will help your cause. Intellectual dishonesty is wrong whomever does it.

      1. You might be the one who should look it up. The definition in law is anal sex between men. They are moaning about the supreme court ruling that removed the anti sodomy laws against gay sex, not husbands getting blowjobs from wives.

        Regulating what people do in the bedroom is on its face stupid and counter to any definition of liberty. You don’t need to trump it up. It is already stupid without your help. It does however weaken your claims when you start putting words into their mouths that they are clearly not saying. Instead of having to fight the real battle and defend the use of force by government to regulate sex acts, they can just point out that you are a moron who clearly doesn’t understand the high court ruling.

        Intellectual dishonesty is a pretty sure way to poison your ability to convince people who disagree with you of your opinion. An argument that sex regulation is counter to the principles of individual liberty will go a lot farther then going OMG u don’t like blowjobs!!11! The argument based around liberty stands a chance of convincing, while the false accusation that they want to ban blowjobs is sure to fail.

        1. Nope, you’re the one that needs to look it up. In a legal dictionary, even. The legal definition of sodomy can vary–and in Texas, oral sex was considered sodomy, at least until the state’s sodomy law was struck down in Lawrence v. Texas.

          I completely agree with you that people should know what they’re talking about before they start running their mouths because, as you put it, others will point out that you’re a moron.

    1. The part about oral sex being considered sodomy is taken from the now-downstruck Texas sodomy law, which defined any sexual contact other than heterosexual genital intercourse as sodomy.

      Hands / mouth / knees / anything else than genitals: Sodomy.

      1. >The part about oral sex being considered sodomy is taken from the now-downstruck Texas sodomy law, which defined any sexual contact other than heterosexual genital intercourse as sodomy.

        I suspect that any heterosexual genital intercourse where the man neglects to beat the woman will also be considered sodomy.

      1. Rindan is correct — they are not calling for a ban on blowjobs. What they oppose, specifically, is “the legalization of sodomy.” They ask “that Congress exercise its authority […] to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy.”

        What they’re referring to is Lawrence v. Texas, in which the US Supreme Court overturned Texas’s “Homosexual Conduct Law”. As you might guess, this applied only to same-sex partners: “A person commits an offense if he engages in deviate sexual intercourse with another individual of the same sex [emphasis mine].” Deviate sexual intercourse is defined as oral, anal, or mechanical — so while opposite-sex couples could be deviants, they were not “committing an offense” in the eyes of the law. [cite]

        When Texas republicans are telling the feds to stay out of their sodomy laws, they are talking about same-sex activity. That’s sufficient assholery for me; I don’t think we need to invent motivations for them, though I can see how this sort of FUD could be politically useful.

  40. They should also ban music. That way they can officially join the Taliban and/or make Texas a province of Somalia.

  41. Most often I tend to believe that the soap opera
    that is the battle between democrats and republicans is but the little RED and BLUE ball
    given out to the children to keep them busy while the grownups make off with our homes , jobs and futures.

    I would have to say though that this is one of the most interesting playthings I’ve seen in a while.
    Can I have an ice cream now?

  42. It tickled me that they want to abolish a minimum wage, but are demanding fair payment for soldiers:

    Page 19:
    Minimum Wage – We believe the Minimum Wage Law should be repealed.

    Page 20:
    Support of Our Armed Forces – [….] They should be paid a wage sufficient to prevent them from ever needing food stamps and that encourages retention.

  43. Ah, Texas. Land of Freedom. Home of Liberty. A Free State where you don’t have to worry about Big Government nosin’ in on your private liv…hey! That guy is one of “the gays”! Get him! Be careful! He might be Mexican!

  44. How do you get a lying, cheating, unfaithful and impotent, except for covering up failures and upholding meaningless wars, hence murderous government?

    With scare stories like this one.


  45. Since it’s a long and often repetitive piece, I’ve pulled out a few more interesting tidbits for those that can’t be bothered reading it in its entirety:

    “Child Support and Visitation – We support equity between responsible parents in child support, custody, and visitation rights and costs […] We also believe that no homosexual or any individual convicted of child abuse or molestation should have the right to custody or adoption of a minor child, and that visitation with minor children by such persons should be prohibited but if ordered by the court limited to supervised periods.”

    “Classroom Discipline –We recommend that local school boards and classroom teachers be given more authority to deal with disciplinary problems. We urge the Legislature, Governor, Commissioner of Education and State Board of Education to remind administrators and school boards that corporal punishment is effective and legal in Texas.”

    “Pledge of Allegiance in Public Schools – Students should be led daily in the Pledge of Allegiance, the Texas Pledge, the National Anthem, and be taught flag etiquette and patriotic songs to ensure that the loyal and patriotic spirit of Texan and American heritage is preserved.”
    “Political Community Organizing in Texas Schools: Neither Texas public schools nor their students should be used by groups (such as ACORN community organizers), as instruments to promote political agendas, but rather to focus on history, reading,
    writing, mathematics, and science.”

    “Unborn Victims of Violence – We believe a person who injures or kills an unborn child should be subject to criminal and civil litigation, whether the child dies in the womb or is born alive.”

    “Energy Strategy – We encourage a comprehensive energy policy that allows more development of domestic energy sources and reduces our need for foreign energy. Energy policy should be cooperative, economically viable, and environmentally safe, but not restricted by overzealous environmental activism. […] We oppose government restrictions such as windfall profits and severance taxes, and regulations that restrict construction of refineries, power grids and location of gas and oil drilling […] We support the abolition of the Department of Energy. We support an immediate end to the deep water drilling moratorium in the U.S. Gulf of Mexico.”

    “Israel – […] Our policy is based on God’s biblical promise to bless those who bless Israel and curse those who curse Israel and we further invite other nations and organizations to enjoy the benefits of that promise.”

    And from the legislative priorities section:

    “Construct prisons rather than reduce sentences.”
    “At minimum, maintain current penalties for drug related crimes.”
    “Create a state offense (Class A misdemeanor) for an illegal alien to intentionally or knowingly
    be within the State of Texas, and require local law enforcement to verify residency status upon
    arrest for another crime.”

  46. Let’s not get bogged down in who’s going down on who.

    Nobody’s mentioned the best part of this document, which is corralling one’s Libertarian and “small-governnment conservative” friends and reading aloud the bits about banning sodomy and abortion, which would absolutely not require intrusive enforcement, or giving Creationism equal status to evolution in the classroom, which in no way conflicts with the hard-headed, logical thinking on which many who read boingboing pride themselves.

    They’ll squirm, because you and they know they’ll vote Republican no matter how much crazy and stupid the GOP serve up, because that’s what their heroes Ron and Rand Paul have done.

    1. I’m one of those small-government types you’d be corralling, and I quite agree that this platform is totally inimical to liberty, OK??

      But if the only option is the party that is hellbent on sending America to where Greece is today, then I gotta opt out. Which is why I have voted third party in every election since 1992.

      1. You have effectively not bothered to vote at all in national elections, then. Third parties have no real power in this country, deplorable as this fact is.

        Sometimes the only moral choice is to choose the lesser of two evils. Refusing to choose is only slightly less evil than choosing the greater evil (in this case the GOP).

        1. I believe I could make the case that pushing our debt to 120% of GDP is as harmful as banning blow jobs, but I don’t want to push the bounds of topic drift by going there.

          Your comment about choosing the lesser of two evils is the mirror image of what I’ve been told by Republicans, when I suggest they ought to concentrate on getting our economy working again and back off on the gay marriage/war on drugs hysteria. (For example, GOP governors Christie in NJ and Daniels in Indiana are candidates I could support).

          I really don’t like the phrase “lesser/greater evil” in this context, as I do not think of either Democrats or Republicans as evil. Rather, they are stupid, in different ways.

          1. If you can read that platform and still think the people who wrote it are not evil, I don’t know what to say to you. Maybe you just think none of the provisions in it will ever be used against YOU, but any small bit of empathy for your fellow humans (especially queer ones like me) would make you recoil in horror at the naked evil in that platform.

            If you only care about handling the economy…well, that’s a level of indifference toward your fellow humans that I find hard to credit.

            As you point out, this isn’t the place for arguing economic philosophy. But btw, if Christie were to drop dead today, I’d dance for joy (you may not be aware of what he’s done in NJ, including what he did to get elected).

          2. I’m not any more inclined to equate “the Republican Party” with the program committee of the Texas GOP than I am to equate “the Democratic Party” with Alan Grayson or Dennis Kuchinich.

          3. I’m not any more inclined to equate “the Republican Party” with the program committee of the Texas GOP than I am to equate “the Democratic Party” with Alan Grayson or Dennis Kuchinich.

            Those are two individuals. The Texas GOP is a whold bunch of people agreeing on the same crazy shit in one of the most powerful and influential states in the nation.

            Yet, I too will not equate the Texas GOP with the Republican Party. But the fact that a good portion of the country agrees with much of this platform makes me equate *these ideas* with the Republican party.

            How I long for the days of fiscal responsibility, and an individual’s right to privacy and personal freedom.

  47. You know, I think the Right and the Left are probably well matched when it comes to evil, but the Right has a unique flavour of *sheer barking insanity* that you can’t find anywhere else.

    Poe’s Law indeed.

  48. Texas GOP is basically saying, in that platform document:
    – The Supreme Court has no jurisdiction in Texas.
    – The Bible should be enforced by legislation.
    – In all other cases, the government should stay out of people’s lives insofar as possible.

    I agree with that last, but guess which one they’ll ignore.

  49. It’s only a nanny state when the government is run by libs, right? Otherwise, it’s ‘merican as apple pie!

    Just like judicial activism is only when a judge makes a liberal ruling. Because Citizens United was not activism or legislating from the bench. Roberts, Thomas, Scalia, Alito, and Kennedy would never do that. Only those dirtbag activists Ginsburg, Breyer, Sotomayor, and Stevens would ever think of dirtying the constitution with their anti-american rhetoric.

  50. The sad part?

    They’ll still sweep all the state-wide offices.

    The Texas GOP platform is written by the religious right and wingnuts of the party. They throw this crap out every four years, and then do nothing to implement it, because they still need the outrage for the next election cycle. It is, more or less, a big political circle jerk. And since masturbation isn’t mentioned in the platform…

  51. I’ll keep this simple.

    If you are a Texan, and you give any money to the GOP, you are supporting all the insane evil in this platform, all of it.

    If you are a Texan, and you give any money to the GOP, you are my enemy.

  52. Can’t wait until one of the GOP members who came up with this ridiculous platform gets caught being given a blow job by a male escort. not an IF but WHEN!

  53. Actually, the folks in texas are stupider than you think… But as soon as the final paperwork is done the rest of us will care even less about these clowns than some do now. It will be part of another country – mexico – by then and Perry will have to get a field-hand buzz cut….

    WWWWHHHHHAAaaaaaaaaaaa…… AMF !!!

  54. Because…you know…stright people NEVER give blow jobs or have anal sex…

  55. So this guy is opposed to Article VI of the Constitution (allowing the federal government to sign treaties like the UN), the First Amendment (freedom of religion, i.e. not allowing the state to let churches impose laws on people), wants the government to have the power to choose the gender of spouse one is allowed to marry, thinks another World War is a good idea (which is what happened when the US opted out of the League of Nations) and thinks another Civil War is a good idea (which is what happened when state governments tried to assert their powers above both the federal government and their own people).

    I have to wonder that these people who want to grant the state to choose one’s religious practices, the gender of one’s spouse, or what sexual positions one used in private would do if the state made choices one didn’t like. This guy is so out of touch with basic reality that I think he needs psychiatric attention.

  56. avt_tor, “this guy” is the entire Republican Party of the State of Texas. A BUNCH of people down there need psychiatric attention.

  57. I say let them be their own country. I can’t wait till Mexico invades. LOL! Who is going to help them?

  58. They oppose a nonexistent, non-proposed, unheard of “one world currency” and yet they STILL refuse to take a stand on whether or not it’s legal for Bugs Bunny to use Daffy Duck as a motor!
    When will the Texas GOP stand up and face the TOUGH issues?

      1. I’m more concerned with the IMF, but if you want to talk about what China’s been doing to its currency then yeah we could do that.

  59. Well, I’m with them on ditching the Federal Reserve; private banks have no business minting the currency of the United States, especially with the lack of oversight, i.e, NO accountability; it’s INSANITY, and it’s a big reason our economy is in such BIG trouble. We are trusting the same people to mint (control) our currency whom we trusted with our mortgages.


    More of them there than in Afghanistan.

    I’m from Texas originally, but escaped thirty years ago. I live in Hawaii now, and wish the place was just a wee bit farther away from me.

    Confession: I thought the photo was some sort of anal pleasure device until I read that it was a wingnut. Oops.

  61. All this talk of blowjobs, and not one mention of cunnilingus.

    Remember, folks, oral sex CAN be performed on women, too. Okay?

  62. This sounds like a winning strategy for the Republicans. Remember, they’re the political party composed of otherwise-normal people who habitually vote against their self-interest.

  63. I’m still trying to understand the GOP attitude toward sex. I knew an arch-conservative who hated Clinton mainly because he got a blowjob; you couldn’t mention Clinton name without him spouting off about blowjobs. And yet, he’d constantly tell stories of the live-in prostitutes he had as a Marine in Thailand; of a drinking game in which they’d share a hooker under the table in a restaurant. Hookers galore.

    And this is a common attitude, I’ve found. The more concerned they are with other people’s sex lives, the more likely they are to purchase their own, and the worse they treat women.

    I guess it’s really free, consensual sex that they can’t stand. Or they don’t think women should enjoy sex.

    1. I am looking forward to when the GOP achieves its true potential by passing a law against hypocrisy.

  64. So because some idiot with a blog says it in two paragraphs without quoting any sources, or any examples, or anything whatsoever to back it up, IT MUST BE TRUE. People are so incredibly stupid.

    Good for a laugh

  65. Um… while there are some ridiculous things in there, there’s a lot I suspect BoingBoingers can get behind, like repeal of the Real ID Act and repeal of expanded federal powers in ‘wartime’.

    Maybe we should stop seeing Republicans as some alien species… maybe we all want a lot of the same things?

    Although sodomy is more fun to talk about I suppose :-p

    1. As mentioned before, the GOP only wants to repeal expanded power in the Executive Branch and they only want it when the Democrats are in that branch.

      As for “we all want the same things” – horseshit. I don’t want to control other people’s sexual behavior. I don’t want to punish people with unusual sex chromosomes or who are transgendered. I don’t want to control which adults can marry. I don’t want to criminalize sex between teenagers OR performing marriage ceremonies I don’t agree with. I don’t want to impose my religion on anyone else.

      I could go on, but I think the point is made that the Texas GOP and I do NOT actually want the same things, unless you count our mutual desire for each other to go to hell.

  66. Hey RobertH, the source is the red link titled “this one.” They also want to raise the age of consent to 18, which means that if two seventeen-year-olds have sex, one or both of them gets to be a registered sex offender. See the link RobertH didn’t notice, page 9, right at the bottom.

  67. even if this isn’t 100% true, i’ll be moving to San Francisco next month. see ya suckers! plus it’s too damn hot here.

  68. As a libertarian with little love for the Democratic part, I do feel that the republicans are a considerably more dangerous threat to liberty in this country than the democrats.

    Not least because of their juxtaposition of important ideas with this godawful religious nonsense.

    End the Fed? Why yes, absolutely. The case can be made that the inflation the Fed has created has greatly harmed the poor and working class in this country, enriched the ultra-rich, and promoted wars and a police state by giving the government a blank check.

    End the minimum wage? The case can certainly be made that the minimum wage raises unemployment among those without skills, and prevents those at the bottom of the economic ladder from getting a start.

    A one world currency? Well, if it did not have a tangible value reference, it would be an awful idea, and there have been a few prominent voices in favor of it…

    Criminalizing Sodomy, criminalizing gay recognition of marriage…wwwhhhhaaaa…wha..whaaaaaat? Where the hell does that fit into anything?

    How the hell does the Republican party not see this tremendous disconnect, between opposing government intervention and socialist programs at home, and yet relying on state power to regulate morality, individual action, and to make other countries of the world step in line? Hell, the armed forces are the single largest totally socialist/communist organization in our country. Talk about a bunch of people who live their whole lives sucking on the government tit, away from the needs of the free market…

    It’s just appalling.

    Worst of all, because it mixes together some very important and valuable ideas of liberty with a bunch of crackpot nonsense, and thus delegitimitizes them.

    But then, seeing how the Republicans have for decades been the anti-liberty party, maybe that is the whole point.

  69. I am guessing that most of the people who are furiously trying to make all of those activities illegal probably practice them on a regular basis, and will deny that they do so until their dying day (or until they are caught). Seems there have been at least a dozen rabid anti-gay conservatives who have been found with male escorts over the past year.

    It’s all bad enough, but the hypocrisy makes it just that much worse.

    1. the beaten becomes the beater so to speak.

      heck, i think in the past some of the strongest fanatics have been people ashamed of their own activities. Perhaps its an attempt at being discovered without having to carry the “burden” of stepping out into the light on their own?

  70. “Ah yes, the “no blowjobs party” — that’ll bring out the vote!”

    Actually, this is exactly the kind of stuff that will keep the GOP in power in Texas. We are a right-wing, Christian Conservative state for the most part. These stances have practically been thrusted upon the party by the voting population. While this may not be popular in the rest of the country, or the world, trust me, this will go over REALLY well in Texas. While the opposition is extreamely vocal, its a minority.

    The reason Texas can do stuff like this is because Texas is one of the few states that joined the union on their own accord – it was an independant country, and the citizens voted to become part of the US. Part of the deal of them joining is that they can leave at any time, the federal government cannot tell Texas how to punish criminals, and I think there is a provision in there that states that the federal government cannot impose any laws upon Texas that conflict with Texas law. I am thinking Texas is the only state that has such rights, but I may be wrong.

    Trust me, with this new platform, the GOP has ensured that they will stay in power for quite a while.

    1. @#152: Actually, Texas is subject to all the same laws as the other 49 states. The one sole caveat is that Texas can split itself into up to five states, which on the one hand expands power in the US Senate, but on the other dilutes power at home. Ten senators in Washington, but Rick Perry would be governor of Abilene.

      1. Yeah… what Alan said. Texas was, indeed, an autonomous nation that voluntarily joined the union, but I can’t find any evidence that its statehood was predicated on special terms and privileges that the other states do not enjoy. Its annexation by Joint Resolution of Congress was unusual, but Hawaii’s annexation was done that way, too… and the text of the Joint Resolution is surprisingly brief:

        The Ordinance of the Convention of Texas (seen here: http://avalon.law.yale.edu/19th_century/texan03.asp ) pretty much just mirrors those terms: the territory known as the Republic of Texas will be the State of Texas, boundaries to be determined later, the Feds assume control of the military assets, the State hangs onto its lands and tax revenues and debts (so the Feds don’t get stuck holding that bag), and we might (or might not) create up to five smaller states out of Texas, with those north of the Missouri Compromise line ineligible for slavery and those south able to determine for themselves whether or not they permit slavery. And as far as I can tell, that’s it. In fact, the Joint Resolution says, in part: “Be it resolved, That a State, to be formed out of the present Republic of Texas… shall be admitted into the Union, by virtue of this act, on an equal footing with the existing States…”

        “Equal footing” does not, to my mind, imply special treatment when it comes to legal disputes between Texas law and Federal law. Also, the Supreme Court ruled that Texas’ secession in 1861 was illegal, so I guess there may not be a proviso that Texas can bail on the Union whenever it feels like it, short of armed revolution or mutual consent between the states. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Texas_v._White

        I know Texas likes to feel special, but unless there’s some real evidence out there that would support the idea that Texan Sovereignty is something more than just “all hat and no cattle,” (and there may be; I just didn’t find any in my half-assed 15-minute exploration of the topic), then I would submit (from a safe distance) that Texas’ specialness may be of the shortbus variety.

  71. “Creating a free market for water” and “using the regulation model of the oil and gas industry as a model for the water market”

    All the giggles about sodomy aside (which, for conservatives, refers almost exclusively to anal sex and, in their minds, would thus outlaw homosexuality) this water rights provision is the great, glaring red flag Texans should pay attention to.

    Water is quickly becoming a serious worldwide problem. Corporations are moving to lock-up water rights wherever they can, privatizing what was once a public resource. This issue is going to come home to the US in the coming decades, as the nation’s aquifers become more and more depleted.

    This little provision in the Texas GOP platform looks to be squarely aimed at selling-off public water rights to corporate control. That’s potentially dangerous stuff.

    1. one would have thought that they would have taken a long hard look at venezuela before adding that to their platform.

  72. Perhaps the Texas GOP might want to rethink the anal penetration plank of this platform, given that Americans are taking it up the a$$ big time from Corporate America right now. Why, this plank could be interpreted to outlaw Corporate America! Just sayin ;).

  73. “Pledge of Allegiance in Public Schools – Students should be led daily in the Pledge of Allegiance, the Texas Pledge, the National Anthem, and be taught flag etiquette and patriotic songs to ensure that the loyal and patriotic spirit of Texan and American heritage is preserved.”
    hmmm…. when my family and I were guests of the USA in the 1960’s– my father being an exchange officer with your Air Force in Ohio– I would stand for the Pledge of Allegiance but not say anything, not having any allegiance to the USA flag (we are Canadian citizens). What would happen to me in a Texan school under this law?

    1. Having been explained your citizenship, ideally everyone would be satisfied with your politeness by standing. You’d be within your rights to remain seated, though surely some Texan panties would twist at that.

      1. Ideally yes, but I really think the word ‘ideally’ and the phrase ‘in Texas’ are almost antonyms.

  74. I’d just like to know who’s going to bust the perverts that are peeking in “our” windows to verify the engagement or non-engagement of oral + or anal sex? Isn’t there already a decent law against THAT?

    Just wondering. ( P.S. I am a long married, monogamous heterosexual – for the record!) :D

  75. Huh. I’m not a fan of abortion or strip clubs and such, but I think, this is just a hunch, that it is unconstitutional to ban such things. =-/

    This kind of scares me, to tell you the truth. What will they tell us we can’t do next?

  76. What are they going to do, go door to door knocking to see if they catch anyone? come on now this is silly, they do not have the right to ban anything that a couple does together…I think they need to get with the program and work on trying to take care of more important things than that.

  77. I live here in Texas and let me just say this to all you people judging this docment and the people who voted for those who wrote it and who enforce it:

    THANK YOU! PLEASE MOVE HERE TO CHANGE THESE STUPID ASS PEOPLE OUT OF OFFICE SO WE CAN ACTUALLY HAVE SOME FORM OF FREEDOM HERE! If you arnt white and rich and Christian, you are NOT human! You are subhuman here. I hate it and so many people hate it here. States like Texas and Arizona need to attract all people like those in charge and made into their own country instead of making the rest of us suffer.

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