By Mark Frauenfelder at 10:52 am Mon, Dec 6, 2010
"Chewed to bits by vicious hard-shelled mutant monkeys."
This concludes our Mean Monkey Monday series. We hope you enjoyed it!
More Mean Monkeys:
It looks to me like he’s trying to stab the woman in the heart, and the Koopas are trying to stop him.
Wait a minute… No, no, no, this isn’t right at all!
Calls to mind a favorite childhood B– movie starring many mean mutant anuran monkey bayou dwellers.
There is no way this is real.
Wait…so all this time the Mean Monkey…was really the MAN?!?!
We can all learn a little something from this.
Have you ever seen the jaws of a snapping turtle? Frickin’ dinosaur monsters jaws!
Q: How do you prevent the mean monkey from biting you on Monday?
A: Kill the mean monkey on Sunday.
Oh, that’s cruel. Better to simply remove its teeth.
The noble turtle defends the damsel in distress from a madman with a knife!
“San Antonio, Home of Texas’ Love-Happy Gals”? Hold on a minute, my wife grew up in San Antonio, and … well, I guess that’s more or less accurate.
Once I was swimming cross Turtle creek
Man them snappers all around my feet
Sure was hard swimming ‘cross that thing
With both hands holdin’ my ding-a-ling
I love you Mark.
I grok that the apes/monkeys/baboons were stand-ins for black men stealin’ white women, but whoinahell were the turtles symbolizing? Were these magazine mutts so prescient that they foresaw April and the TMNT, and this was their attempt to head off a reptilian “Mandingo moment” should their ladies suddenly have looked to the sewers for romance? (Wouldn’t surprise me, since so many Man’s Life readers apparently needed the help of monthly lessons on masculine inadequacies…)
I love these! I look forward to seeing them every week. I was getting bored with the primates and then you go ahead and post the “Man Eating Turtles”. Where can I get posters?
Next Monday: unicorns.
Just change from “Mad Monkey Mondays” to “Terrible Turtle Tuesdays.” That should carry you through the holidays.
They have knees!
Alligator snapping turtles have a bite strength of 1500 psi. Hyenas clock in around 1000 psi, sharks and lions about 600psi.
well, now you’re just being ridiculous.
I heard a story about this once, but the guy involved in that one had a mustache.
I hope this only concludes Mean Monkey Monday because you are moving on to Terrifying Turtle Tuesdays. This series has been great, and I’m sad to see it end.
My fifth birthday party all over again.
Let us not forget the classic ending credits of “Tarzan the Ape Man”, where an orangutan wrestles half-naked Bo Derek next to a blissed-out Tarzan. Mean Monkey Monday need not end yet!
protip: If you’re female, somewhat well endowed, of hourglass figure, Caucasian or light skinned, and with blonde to medium brown hair, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT wear a low cut red blouse with a black skirt/shorts/pants near areas that may have wildlife.
They’re part-Godzilla, part-Gamera.
That guy does not like turtles.
Seriously, turtles? Turtles!? Someone thought this would appeal to someone’s he-man fantasies? Who the hell sat around going, “Yah, I’d save the hot babe from a bunch of turtles. THEN she’d sleep with me!” Good thing turtles only seem to be good at biting off the top buttons on blouses and tearing off men’s shirts.
Her hair is magically dry even though it is dragging in the water.
And how did one get on his neck? Is that one of those mythical jumping turtles? Plus this bunch seems to be fans of “Turtle’s Life” magazine where they fanatize about actually being piranhas.
Good luck with that knife, they have pretty hard shells you know.
You’re missing the best part of the cover!
“Masculine inadequacies drive women nuts!”
Isn’t this that Schwarzenegger movie, Turtle Recall?
The one on his shoulder looks like it is whispering to him…
“Good…your hate has made you powerful. Now fulfill your destiny and take your father’s place at my side!”
They get the turtle anatomy way more accurate than they needed to. The angle of the limbs, the shape of the plastron, the spiky bits on the tail and the edges of the shell. Pretty good artwork for a pulp magazine.
The dude looks like Frank Frazetta.
For those who must have more:
Weasels, otters, snakes, alligators, flying squirrels, all prepared to rip man-flesh (And, often, that same lady in the red blouse as well).
As Willie the grounds keeper said, “AAAHHHH!!! Who’ll save me from the wee turtles?”
Who’ll save me from the wee turtles?
Ahem. Re-read the caption: those are, in fact, giant turtles.
This series MUST continue! Not only is it highly entertaining, but it is likely inspiring new SyFy Channel movies.
What do the blonde and the turtle have in common?
They’re both screwed on their backs.
Hah! I gotta million of em.
Youâ€™re looking good, Jonathon. Jonathon just got an awesome face paint job. What do you think?
Jonathan: I like turtlGNARRRRRRAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Hold your arms out in front of you.
Now connect the hands.
The resultant space is roughly the size shell of the snapping turtle that I had swim after my toes as I swam around Wegamind Island, lake Joseph , Muskoka.
(This shortly before we were over-taxed off our land by 150% by those other turtles (Government officials) )
FYI It took about 10 to 15 power back strokes to convince this snapping turtle to give up and break off the chase.
It took these other governmental turtles 125 years to take us down.
Looks like Xeni! Love the FC article!
those ain’t no giant turtles
this here’s a giant turtle
anecdotally, i’ve inadvertently shared the water with snapping turtle at least a metre in length. a very humbling experience indeed
…That’s no ordinary Turtle!
…That’s the most foul, crewel and bad tempered Terrapin you ever laid eyes on!
Get the book Biology of the Snapping Turtle by Steyermark, Finkler, and Brooks if you want the truth!
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