The internet uncovers the horrible Ninja Turtles bullet we all dodged

Apparently, it was just as bad as we feared. Not long ago, it was reported that production on the Michael Bay-produced "Ninja Turtles" movie was pushed to 2014. Because 2014 is the 30th anniversary of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? No! That was a convenient excuse. Besides, "Ninja Turtles" is basically a cheap imitator of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles since half of their character description -- along with the central freaking premise -- were done away with. No, it was because the script was said to have "issues." Meaning: the script was terrible. Several people claim to have gotten their hands on this script, and there are terrible, awful, no good, very bad things in it. Starting with 18-year-old high school lovebirds Casey Jones and April O'Neil. Seriously. That almost happened.

News of the leaked script started coming out early last month, when Latino Review's El Mayimbe was tweeting his reactions to a script called "The Blue Door." Very few specific plot details were revealed, but it was definitely a "Ninja Turtles" script judging by the presence of Rocksteady, Bebop, and Krang (and despite the very conspicuous absence of Shredder). There were mentions of the notorious alien turtles and Dimension X. But now, we have more. And it is not good. At all.

While fan site TMNT Not TANT was ordered by Paramount to take down their posting about the script, as reported by io9, the studio wasn't able to stop some of those details from making it on to other sites. Latino Review actually went as far as putting together a 12-minute video about the script, using photos and fan art to tell the ridiculous story. Because here is a summary of what they all read:

Casey Jones and April O'Neil are both 18 years old and live in Michigan. They are high school students who are dating other. April is getting ready to move to New York City for a journalism internship. Casey plays hockey and holds down a job in what we learn is a secret location for Substation 16, a secret operation being run by one Colonel Schrader. Instead of Shredder. See what they did there? Col. Schrader is the leader of a military-like organization known as The Foot.

So, if you're keeping score, the Foot are no longer ninjas, and Shredder is now a probably white guy named Schrader. I'll go let you throw up.

The turtles are introduced as part of the mob of aliens that have been delivered to Substation 16, and the one identified as Raphael states that they have been "trained in ninjitsu," which is hilarious because they are from a planet that probably isn't familiar with the Japanese martial art of ninjitsu, because Japan is on Earth. As a part of this "alien ninjitsu," the turtles are able to perform feats of strength and agility like lifting forklifts and turning themselves into projectiles after hiding in their shells. Like in Super Mario Bros. Have I also mentioned that the turtles aren't even the main protagonists? Casey Jones is. The 18-year-old dude-kid with the hockey stick. Something that, as Screen Rant correctly points out, sounds a lot like... the Transformers movies. Sweet Splinter in the sewer...

I won't "spoil" the entire plot as it is recounted in LR's video, but it sounds like it makes clear and blatant references to the TMNT franchise (the toys, the cartoon) while trying to be a more clever and relevant version of it -- by shitting all over it. For his part, TMNT co-creator Peter Laird (who says he no longer owns TMNT property) was alerted to this script by TMNT not TANT and referred to the script as both "wretched" and "junk." (His former collaborator, the other co-creator Kevin Eastman, on the other hand, is all about the newer stuff he's seeing.)

But at least we know this particular script isn't being made. And that alone can be called a victory. Can I get a "Cowabunga"?

EXCLUSIVE: Review Of Bay’s Failed ‘Ninja Turtles’ [Latino Review]

Michael Bay’s leaked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles script is full of bad ideas [io9]