A butts-on review of Boing Boing's favorite bargain bidet

UPDATE March 22, 2020: This post has never been more appropriate!

Is a dirt cheap bidet really the way to go? Our publisher risks his nethers to find out!

When your friends frequently and passionately recommend a product you would be a fool not to check it out. This bidet has been delighting our founder Mark, and now it has been mentioned by our most skeptical editor Pesco. I didn't want to sit on the sidelines, I wanted a seat at the big kids' pooper. THIS is what it is like to clean your machine with Boing Boing's favorite bargain bidet.

In order to prepare for this review, I not only ordered the bidet from Amazon, I had to mistreat my body. Sadly, my local gas station was all out of nachos on the day Prime delivered, so I decided to try a wicked curry from a dodgy restaurant for lunch and dinner. Nothing less would ensure I rigorously tested Mark's darling power cleaner.

Installation was a breeze, but then I had to settle in and wait…

When my bowel began to rumble, late last night, I knew it was clobbering time!

I saw down on the seat and discovered that the simple-to-fasten-to-your-toilet-beneath-your-standard-toilet-seat bidet caused the toilet seat to ride up a bit. There is essentially a 1/4" chock behind your toilet seat's rear wheels. While not an issue, anything that takes you by surprise on approach is unwelcome. Now that I know, however, I doubt it'll be an issue. Regardless, I was now seated on my throne and ready to see what all Mark and David's hubbub was about.

Once, after a several day bender in New Orleans, I was caught in conversation with one of those people who just won't shut the fuck up. Guy kept talking and talking, and wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise enough to simply say "I gotta take a dump," and boy did I. By the time I made it into the bathroom of a small bar in the Bywater I was explosive. When I got into the restroom, the stall was occupied. A few more minutes of dancing about and finally the crapper was available. Just as my pants cleared the danger zone, and long before I was seated, my rear-end set forth a wave of excretory vengeance so vile it literally painted the walls. Last night did not match this event for fury — but after several minutes I assure you, I was ready to test this bidet.

The bidet uses none of those fancy e-lectronics that so many folks have wired their home for. The plastic device is simply a valve that controls water pressure, and a nozzle that directs it at your recently polluted anus. There is also a switch for directional control that allows a bit of aiming, in case you are too lazy to move your ass. While I totally appreciate the eco-friendly approach to rear-end lavage, endorsed by our own Pesco in a recent post, I want to point out:

You are directing a jet of very cold water right at your sphincter.

If you haven't thought of that BEFORE you turn the water valve the first time, you will always remember it thereafter. Always and forever. Trust me.

I probably jumped a few inches off the toilet, and then I landed hard on the seat as it now has that 1/4" chock in the back. After that, I caught my breath and thought, "Ok! Maybe you'll be ready for it the second time." I was not. The nozzle and system really jack the water pressure up, to the point of real physical discomfort. As usual, I tried full power. OW!

By the third try, I think I had it down! I found a water pressure that didn't seek to carve its initials in my ass, and was able to cheerfully wiggle around on the seat and get super clean. The cold water is kinda refreshing in a uniquely "I just shot a jet of ice water up my ass" kinda way.

If you have hemmorhoids, or are dating a French person, this cheap bidet is butts-down the fav for cleaning some Boing Boing hiney.