With Hollywood shuttered, movie and TV production shut down, red carpet events cancelled and coronavirus keeping celebrities behind closed doors, there’s not a lot of material for the tabloids to be working with this week - but that doesn’t stop them from making it all up.
"His Royal High-ness!” Prince Harry is “Buying $9m Pot Farm! “ according to the ‘Globe.’
Harry has never been involved in business in his life, but allegedly “told a pal marijuana is something he likes and knows about.”
I eat bananas and know something about them too (they’re yellow, curvilinear and tasty) but I’m not about to buy a banana plantation.
Unnamed “insiders” claim that Harry will turn to Meghan’s nephew Tyler Dooley, who grows cannabis in Oregon, for advice. Yes, the nephew who Meghan hasn’t seen or spoken to for almost 30 years, the nephew whose side of the family Meghan has virtually disowned, the nephew whose family has trashed Meghan and Harry at every opportunity - that’s who he’ll turn to for advice. Right.
Comedy star Chevy Chase is the target of the ‘National Enquirer,’ which reports: “Fears Chevy Has 6 Months to Live!” Evidently Chevy's “fragile health has friends concerned the end may be near.”
But wait a second! Haven’t we heard that before? Yes, in the ‘Enquirer' in November 2016: “Chevy Chase 3 months to live!”
And let’s not forget those other great ‘Enquirer’ reports of stars’ imminent demise, by the magazine’s crack team of medical reporters:
“Oprah: Only 3 years to live! - May 2009.
“Kirstie Alley: Only 4 years to live!” - August 2009.
“Macaulay Culkin - 6 months to live!” - August 2012.
“O.J. - 4 weeks to live!” - October 2014.
“Cher has 3 months to live!” - December 2014.
“Michael Douglas cancer relapse - 3 months to live!” - February 2016.
“Nick Nolte - 4 weeks to live!” - July 2016.
With accuracy like that, Chevy Chase must be feeling pretty good about his chances.
Meanwhile another star is “eating himself to death,” reports the ‘Globe.’ “Is it a blimp? No, It’s Superman! Fears for Dean Cain as fading actor packs on the pounds.”
Whether or not Cain has gained 50 pounds as the ‘Globe' reports, on his tall frame he still looks fit and healthy, though perhaps with more of a dad bod than in his Man of Steel days three decades ago. Still, he looks great, so why the concern that he’s about to drop dead at 53 years old?
"Medical experts fear” that gaining weight “can be deadlier than kryptonite!” the rag reports. So now the ‘Globe’ team of medically-trained reporters are experts in kryptonite poisoning too? How long before President Trump is touting kryptonite as the next cure for coronavirus?
The ‘Enquirer’ cover is devoted to Prince Harry’s “Diva Duchess” wife: “Meghan’s Hollywood Dream Explodes! Anger, tears & denial as critics savage her ‘cheesy’ new movie. William mocks Harry: ‘I told you so!!’”
But the critics didn’t savage Meghan’s performance. They didn’t even savage her new Disney documentary ‘Elephant,’ but gave it modestly favorable reviews.
Any criticism that emerged was aimed mostly at the documentary’s schmaltzy script, not at Meghan’s performance as its narrator.
The rag repeats the canard that Harry begged Disney chief Bob Iger to give Meghan the voice-over gig on a London movie premiere red carpet, when we now know she had been approached to narrate ‘Elephant’ by the directors long before meeting Iger.
Long-time Hollywood couple Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell’s “Surprise Wedding!” is reported in the ‘Enquirer.’
There’s only one small detail - they’re not married.
“She’s finally ready for altar after 37 years,” claims the mag. But does anyone remember the ‘Enquirer’ telling us they were engaged and about to wed back in December 2015? Or the ‘Enquirer' story in September 2017 revealing that Kurt & Goldie had split? So why should we believe them now?
Then there’s a slew of stories that simply didn’t happen the way the tabloids tell us they did
“Navy Grounds Top Gun Tom!” claims the ‘Enquirer.’ No, they didn’t. The Navy took Cruise up in F-18 fighter jets repeatedly while filming his coming ‘Top Gun’ sequel. They just wouldn’t let him take the controls and fly the fighter himself. Not exactly grounded.
George Clooney is "Caught in Battery Nightmare!” the ‘Enquirer’ reports.
No, George Clooney hasn’t hit anyone. Italian actress Elisabetta Canalis, who Clooney dated from 2009 to 2011, has allegedly been charged with misdemeanor battery after bumping another woman’s shoulder in an argument. So how is Clooney “caught in battery nightmare”? Unnamed ”sources” claim that Elisabetta has turned to her ex for advice because Clooney’s now married to human rights lawyer Amal. Well, that makes perfect sense: If you get charged with a minor misdemeanor, you want one of the world’s leading human rights attorneys who’s married to your ex-lover representing you in court. Right.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s eldest son "Rushes Home to Save Mom Angie!” claims the ‘Enquirer.'
But did Maddox fly from South Korea to America to comfort his “emotional wreck” mom? Or could it be that he returned to America simply because his university classes in South Korea were cancelled because of the pandemic?
“Weeks after death, Kenny Rogers’ Body Still On Ice!” screams the cover of the ‘Globe.’ "Why widow won’t bury country king.”
The answer is simple and practical: She’s reportedly waiting until coronavirus lockdowns are lifted so that Rogers can have a big funeral for family, friends and fans. Hardly scandalous.
How desperate must ‘Us’ magazine be to put Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes on its cover?
“How Ryan & Eva Make It Work. Secrets of Their Amazing Love Story.”
I’m delighted for the happy couple, but I can only imagine this feature has sat in the Editor’s bottom drawer for months before it was reluctantly dragged out and slapped on the cover as celebrities hide at home and there’s nothing else to report on.
Prince Harry gets the “California Dreamin’” treatment in ‘Us’ mag, which reports: “Harry Risks It All! Hollywood or Bust!”
Allegedly “Harry sets his sights on fame and fortune.” The Prince is reportedly “determined to make it in Hollywood” says an unnamed insider. “He’ll focus on producing documentaries about charities.”
Because we all know how charity documentaries are a sure-fire path to fame and fortune, right? But that’s not the end of his unroyal ambitions. Harry also “wants some screen time too,” claims the insider. “We’ll see him on camera.” But not as a movie star, it seems. “Mostly as a spokesman. He’s not trying to be the next Brad Pitt or anything.” Phew. That must be a relief to Brad.
‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to “Murder & Mystery: The Untold Story of Tiger King.”
Actually, the true story has pretty much been fully told on screen and in the dozens of articles written in the weeks since the series first aired. ‘People’ is just jumping on the bandwagon two weeks after everyone else jumped off.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ mag to tell us that Lucy Hale wore it best, that Sean Hayes eats a whole can of warm peas “every couple of years, when no one is around,” that Hollywood stars are “Trailblazers!” for taking a hike - though Laura Dern, Reese Witherspoon, Zac Efron and Julia Louis-Dreyfus are all pictured out and about before hiking trails were officially closed due to the pandemic, and that the stars are just like us: they take out the trash, spring clean their garage, and get take-out food - because there’s little else that stay-at-home celebrities can do these days.
And for the second week running, ‘Us’ magazine is without its long-running full-page feature peering into the heavily curated handbag of a celebrity. Perhaps the mag realized they were just running a surreptitious ad for chewing gum, lip gloss and healing crystals each week?
Onwards and downwards . . .