"Do you have an extra pair of shoes with laces?" I asked.
"This is ridiculous," I said. I have a ticket, which was given to me by a very important person. I pulled the ticket from the envelope that the man who loved junk mail gave me and showed it to the crew member.
"This states that I am to be allowed to board the plane. I will be filing a complaint with your company."
She took the ticket from me and disappeared into the cockpit. She returned several minutes later.
"The pilot says she will let you board the plane. But you must sit in the co-pilot's seat, because it isn't fair to make the rule-following passengers have to look at you."
"Fine," I said. The flight attendant led me into the cockpit and strapped me into the seat. The pilot was a middle aged woman with a set expression. She greeted me with a nod and introduced herself as Captain Beth.
"I'm sorry to have to do this," said the flight attendant who was still in the cockpit.
"Do what?" I asked.
"We have been ordered to give you an injection that will put you to sleep for the duration of the flight."
I didn't like the sound of that. "It's inhumane to make someone go to sleep without allowing them to brush their teeth first," I protested.
"It just so happens that we have a toothbrush for you in the cockpit," she said. She opened a cabinet filled with Philips One Sonicare battery toothbrushes in a variety of colors.
"What color would you like?" she asked.
"The orange one, I guess."
"Do you mean 'Miami Coral?'" she asked.
Captain Beth gave me a hard stare.
"Saying 'whatever' to a flight attendant is not acceptable on an airplane," said the Captain. "I hope you will change your attitude and conduct yourself as I expect you to."
"Please may I have the Miami Coral toothbrush?" I said.
The flight attendant handed me the toothbrush and a tube of Crest Cavity Protection Toothpaste.
"You must brush your teeth in the cockpit and swallow the toothpaste. Contrary to popular belief, it is perfectly harmless to swallow toothpaste."
To be continued…