You'd think that Joe Biden invented coronavirus and earns royalties every time an American is infected, to read this week's cover story.
"Year of Lies & Blunders!" Declares the 'Enquirer.' "Biden Covid Conspiracy Exposed! Deadly Cover-Ups! Blindsided by Omicron!"
Apparently it's Biden's fault that Covid continues to spread, even though it's a multitude of Republican supporters who refuse to get vaccinated and help keep the virus thriving.
How has Biden masterminded a Covid conspiracy?
The president is reportedly "conspiring to fool America with tall tales of conquering Covid."
Right. If only we'd listened to President Trump, drunk our bleach and shone UV lights up our backsides, Covid would have been eliminated by now.
So what's Biden's "cover-up"?
The 'Enquirer' doesn't say – apparently it couldn't think of one.
And it wasn't just the White House, but the world that was blindsided by Omicron's rapid spread, but the 'Enquirer' merrily blames Biden for everything.
"IRS Blows Lid On Harry & Meghan Charity Scandal!"
No, it didn't. The IRS hasn't done anything to Prince Harry or Duchess Meghan or their Archewell Foundation. The runaway royals simply filed their non-profit charity's tax return, which shows that they spent more on legal fees than they raised in 2020. It's hardly a scandal – there's no suggestion of wrong-doing – but certainly appears to be evidence of their failure to inspire charitable giving.
"Queen's Lonely Final Days!"
After her 99-year-old husband Prince Philip died last year, the Queen has lost two of her ladies-in-waiting, aged 90 and 101. When you're 95 you might reasonably expect to have loved ones passing away around you, but the 'Enquirer' views this with a macabre insight: "Death is stalking Queen Elizabeth!" And so are the tabloids, one might add.
"Get Out of Jail Free Card For Ghislaine!"
A juror's confession that he failed to reveal he was once sexually abused has Ghislaine Maxwell's lawyers "demanding a do-over!" But that's not a Get Out of Jail Free card – it's a Languish In Appalling Jail Conditions For Months Longer Awaiting The Prospect Of A Retrial card.
The British royal family is that gift that keeps on giving to the tabloids. The rags can write about the royals with impunity, knowing that whatever nonsense they concoct, the royals are unlikely to sue, adhering to the Queen's policy of "never complain, never explain" – though Duchess Meghan's successful invasion of privacy lawsuit against British national newspaper The Mail on Sunday, which won her the princely sum of £1 in damages, might give them pause for thought.
The royals have always loved a good sporting hunt, and for the past couple of years it's been open season on Prince Andrew, who this week is in the cross-hairs of the 'Globe' cover story: "Prince Andrew – Teen Rape Trial Alibi Destroyed! Twisted Web of Lies Exposed!"
But Andrew's alibis that supposedly prove he did not have his way with Jeffrey Epstein's sex slave Virginia Giuffre have not been destroyed – he simply hasn't supplied evidence of them yet, presumably because he was hoping that a judge would throw out the civil suit against him.
Now that the judge ruled that the trial must go forward, Andrew will have to provide evidence to show that he took his daughter to a party on one night he supposedly raped Giuffre, and provide evidence that he has a medical condition that prevents him from sweating (even though numerous photos have shown him perspiring profusely on a dance floor.)
"Andrew Snared In Own Web of Lies!" screams the 'Globe,' leaping to the assumption that because the prince has not yet furnished any evidence to the courts that he simply doesn't have any. Of course, the 'Globe' may ultimately be proven correct in this, but they're wildly premature to say the least.
"Televangelists Who Live Like Royalty!"
You'd think that would mean these TV preachers cavort with under-age sex slaves, get stripped of their royal duties by the Queen, and are hopelessly out of touch with public sentiment, but no – the 'Globe' just means that there's a bunch of televangelists who are worth a fortune, led by "America's wealthiest preacher" Keneth Copeland, worth an estimated $760 million – definitely more than Prince Andrew is worth.
"Betty White's Nude Photo Nightmare!"
The beloved comedy star who died last week aged 99 allegedly posed topless as a young model in the early 1940s. Why was this a nightmare for her? She openly discussed the photo – posing for a nudie set of playing cards – back in 1985, and it's been no secret for the past four decades.
"Barack Too Big For His Britches!"
Who wears britches these days? The 'Globe' claims "Starstruck Barack Obama is kissing up to young, trendy Hollywood stars while flaunting himself as a bigshot showbiz guru and his no-nonsense wife Michelle is sick of it, sources reveal."
The Obamas have a reported $120 million deal with Netflix, have made award-winning documentaries and a well-received children's TV show starring Michelle – how could they not have "gone Hollywood" since when that's where their business is? Barack and Michelle have built a successful media empire, but the 'Globe' interprets this as an "Obama marriage crisis!" Of course.
"Maxwell Plays It Smart! Refusing to squeal so she won't end up dead like Epstein!"
Convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell is supposedly refusing to "name names" so that "powerful men" who abused Jeffrey Epstein's sex slaves don't have her murdered in jail, like they supposedly killed Epstein.
Or could it be that Maxwell hasn't squealed yet because she was hoping to be acquitted at trial, and following her recent conviction now hopes for a retrial to win her freedom? Ratting out sex abusers would be an admission of her own guilt, and she's still claiming (despite considerable evidence to the contrary) to be innocent.
There are two competing covers on newsstands this week, both commemorating recent show business deaths: Sidney Poitier and Bob Saget, though it's hard to equate the two.
Poitier broke racial barriers and changed the world; Bob Saget is fondly remembered as "America's Dad" on TV series 'Full House,' primarily because most people can't bring themselves to admit that they once loved Bill Cosby as "America's Dad."
"Jamie Lynn Spears – For the First Time in My Life, I Feel Okay." Britney's little sister comes out of the shadows to talk about her new memoir penned at the age of 30, "surviving child stardom – and how marriage and motherhood helped her heal from past trauma." After all those gushing celebrities who 'People' mag claims are "living their best life," it's refreshing to have Jamie Lynn Spears celebrating the fact that she's just about "okay."
"Bob Saget – Gone Too Soon" declares the cover, alongside a photo of the actor so heavily airbrushed, retouched and Photoshopped that Saget looks embalmed, which may be an unintended nod to reality..
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Vanessa Hudgens wore it best, that 'Fast & Furious' star Jordana Brewster hates Instagram but loves Virginia Woolf (no word on whether her feelings are reciprocated), and that the stars are just like us: they do yoga, shop for shoes, and throw away their trash.
Judging by the rest of the magazine they also sit curtsied at basketball games, enjoy lengthy cruises, smash in the ocean around St Parts, sunbathe in Miami, and watch tennis in Australia. Not at all like us.
Elsewhere in the tabloid sphere . . .
'InTouch' magazine splashes its cover with the controversial claim: "Prince William's Affair Scandal Explodes! It's an Open Secret in London. Royal Family sues to stop the story."
It's a story that was first published by 'InTouch' magazine last year, repeating Twitter rumours that Prince William had an affair with Rose Danbury, the Marchioness of Cholmondeley, while wife Kate was in her third pregnancy with Prince Louis.
William took immediate legal action when the story was related in a British publication last April, and the story doesn't appear to have changed – it';s just trending on Twitter again, which is enough for 'InTouch' to claim it's exploding again.
The late Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner's sexual peccadilloes, perversions and failings have long been recounted by countless of his erstwhile lovers, but that doesn't stop 'OK!' Magazine devoting its cover to a story that it admits is almost two decades old from former paramours: "Our Playboy Mansion Hell – Breaking 17-Year Silence." The story promises: "Bunny rivalries & bedroom humiliations," as if volunteering to be a willing sex slave to an ageing pornographer was not humiliating enough.
'Life & Style' magazine doubtless hopes readers won't remember in a year's time this week's headline about Jennifer Aniston: "Adopting A Girl! She Wants to Name Her Stella." Sure she does. Chances are that readers will quickly forget about this forecast which seems as likely to become reality as every other unlikely prediction the rag has ever made.
Onwards and downwards . . .