I can't believe I have to do this, y'all, but here we are. I recently wrote a post about Velveeta's new rebranding effort and ad campaign, focused on living "La Dolce Velveeta." Well, there's a new installment in this saga. Enter the "Veltini," aka the Velveeta Martini, which you've surely seen all over your social media feeds by now.
According to Mike Pomranz at Food and Wine:
Starting today [July 20, 2022], Velveeta has teamed up with the BLT Restaurant Group to release the Velveeta Veltini, billed as an "unapologetic, outrageously cheesy" spin on a martini. The unexpectedly upmarket cocktail will be served specifically between the hours of 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. at five BLT-owned restaurants across the country, namely BLT Steak New York, BLT Steak Washington DC, BLT Steak Charlotte, and BLT Prime New York, as well as at their Italian concept The Florentine in Chicago.
Velveeta said the $15 cocktails will be available while supplies last depending on demand, but diehard fans should have at least a few days, if not a few weeks, to score one.
And once again, the marketing folks over at Velveeta are trying their best to make this new Velveeta creation sound luxurious and irresistible. (Or are they just trolling us?!). Pomranz quotes Velveeta's perspective:
"As we look to summer, one of life's greatest pleasures is enjoying summer sips during golden hour," Kelsey Rice, Velveeta's senior brand communications manager, stated in announcing the partnership. "We wanted to find a way to elevate this experience for our fans even further, by bringing the rich, creamy goodness of Velveeta to a martini in a unique and unexpected way for the ultimate outrageous pleasure."
Thank goodness, though, that Jess Eng at the Washington Post tried one so the rest of us don't have to. They explain that it "tastes like a bad joke". They go on:
In its advertisement, the Veltini commands a glossy, slick presence. But in person, the drink looks like a deranged cheese monster, with olives as beady eyes and a dripping Velveeta cheese rim as a lopsided mouth. A martini may not be everyone's cup of tea, but at least the drink shines as a crisp sip for the right elegant occasion. The Veltini, on the other hand, looks as if someone had dumped a cheese plate into lukewarm bathwater. And ordering it inside the spacious, sophisticated BLT Steak near the White House feels like an inappropriate middle school joke.
On first sip, the drink lacks all the cheesy flavors it claims to promote. Instead, an intense rush of olive and salt from the brine hits the back of your throat. Granted, it could be worse. Besides the alcohol, the other cheesy elements add little to the drink. The creamy cheese rim floats on the otherwise-smooth liquid like curdles in your mouth. The olives and pasta seem to come from a day-old grocery store pasta salad that no one wants to touch. Only toward the end of the drink, which took nearly an hour to finish, did I detect a strong cheese flavor.
Sounds delightful. But no thanks, I'll pass.