In his memoirs, Matthew Perry complains that Keanu Reeves didn't die

Friends star Matthew Perry has published his memoirs. The revelation that he was on massive amounts of recreational drugs the whole time he was on the series and suffered a ruptured colon, as a result, has been overshadowed by his bizarre death wish for Keanu Reeves.

"Why is it that the original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die," he wrote in his book, "but Keanu Reeves still walks among us? River was a better actor than me; I was funnier. But I certainly held my own in our scenes — no small feat, when I look back decades later."

He slammed Reeves again later in the book with the same phrase: "[Chris Farley's] disease had progressed faster than mine had. (Plus, I had a healthy fear of the word 'heroin,' a fear we did not share)," wrote Perry. "I punched a hole through Jennifer Aniston's dressing room wall when I found out. Keanu Reeves walks among us."

When people reacted to Perry's unusual desire for the universally beloved Reeves to drop dead, Perry decided it would be a good idea to come up with some sort of apology to placate them. "I'm actually a big fan of Keanu. I just chose a random name, my mistake," he said in a statement. "I apologize. I should have used my own name instead."

So, if you ever hear that Perry is a "big fan" of yours, be prepared to meet your maker.