With King Charles' coronation foremost in tabloid minds, the 'National Enquirer' cover story naturally looks for royal scandal, and comes up with: "Sly Kate Traps Mean Meghan! Dirty trick revealed!"
Employing its trademark journalistic balance and objectivity, the rag explains how "protective Princess Kate" outfoxed "Harry's fame-hungry wife" by inviting her to the coronation, but with "lousy seating arrangements, dinner party snubs and family peace talks" designed to play to Meghan's ego and force her to stay home in California, according to an unnamed palace courier.
While Meghan planned to let Harry go solo at the coronation on May 6, it's hard to realistically blame Princess Kate for her absence, since the royal family guest list was drawn up by King Charles and Queen Camilla, with input from Prince William. Whatever animus may exist between Kate and Meghan, it's unlikely to have been Kate's hand behind the invitations.
The 'Enquirer' can't help going overboard and adding that Kate is now "angling to have Prince Harry's haughty wife permanently banished from the U.K." – a power in the hands of the British Home Office that is not among those exercised by the King, let alone by his daughter-in-law.
What does the President know, and when did he know it? Or, as the 'Enquirer' prefers to put it: "Was Dough-Boy Joe In The Know?"
In what the rag calls "yet another family scandal," court papers claim that Joe Biden's brother Jim traded on his family name and connections to negotiate deals with Iraq and Saudi Arabia when Joe was vice president in 2012.
There are legitimate questions of potential influence peddling that require answers, and Jim Biden has denied ever negotiating the deal with the Saudis, but the only question the 'Enquirer' cares about is whether Joe Biden had a clandestine hand in the affair.
Does it have the answer? Of course not.
"Pentagon Lies To America About UFOs!"
When the Pentagon denies that aliens are behind multiple UFO sightings, it must be lying in a "shocking cover-up," the 'Enquirer' claims, using its own brand of impeccable logic.
The director of the Pentagon's UFO analysis team Dr Sean Kirkpatrick recently told the Senate Armed Services Committee there is "no credible evidence" of "extra-terrestrial activity, off-world technology or objects that defy the known laws of physics."
But the 'Enquirer' knows better. As if to prove its point, the rag reports than an "expert blames new cattle mutilations on aliens among us." Can't argue with science.
The 'Enquirer,' which once acted as though Donald Trump walked on water, has turned on him in recent months. But now they also appear to be turning on Trump's Republican rival, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, gratuitously publishing "Freaky Facts About Puddin' Head Ron!"
The rag accuses DeSantis of a "shocking racist past" as part of a Tea Party group, overseeing "wickedly sadistic acts against Muslim juhadist prisoners" while an attorney at Guantanamo Bay, and – though it's hard to know why the 'Enquirer'' think this is shocking – playing in the 1991 Little League World Series.
If the 'Enquirer' is ragging on Trump and DeSantis, who will they back in the 2024 election?
Of course, the week wouldn't be complete without some fat-shaming: Kandashian clan momager Kris Jenner's boyfriend Corey Gamble is accused of having "Big Moobs" (apparently short for man-boobs), while Kim and Khloé Kardashian allegedly believe that sister Kourtney has been "letting herself go to pot" and is "piling on the pounds." Meanwhile Angelina Jolie is a "skeletal. . . scarecrow." Compassionate and caring journalism, as ever.
It's been talked about for years, whispered in the corridors and backrooms of Washington, D.C., and has never risen above wishful thinking, yet the 'Globe' has seized on it for this week's front page: "Michelle's White House Comeback Exposed!"
Michelle Obama is reportedly being begged by "desperate Democrats" to challenge "floundering President Joe Biden" for the 2024 party nomination.
Many Democrats reportedly fear that Biden, aged 80, is too old for a second term in the high-pressure job, and while that may be true, that doesn't mean they are turning en masse to Michelle, whose husband, former president Barack Obama, has already endorsed Joe Biden.
Royal scandal is the order of the day under the headline: "Brawl In The Family!," claiming that "Charles' and Camilla's sons trade potshots as new feud explodes."
While it's true that Prince Harry had some uncomplimentary words for his step-mom Queen Camilla in his recent memoir 'Spare' – he called her a "villain" who "played the long game to become queen" – it's hardly surprising that her own son Tom Parker-Bowles should come to her defense, saying of the coronation : "I don't care what anyone says, this wasn't any sort of end game."
It's hardly "another royal war" exploding, as the 'Globe' would like us to believe.
It seems like every week the tabloids are hoist by the petard of their own early deadlines. This week the 'Globe' claims to reveal the "real reason Tucker got the ax!" Allegedly Fox News fired Tucker Carlson because he "foolishly committed the cardinal sin of insulting Donald Trump." The 'Globe' woefully missed the story that every other publications has been crowing about for the past week: how Carlson's obscene and racist emails shocked Fox into pulling the plug.
Jane Fonda is this week's cover girl, pronouncing: "Life Gets Better With Age."
At 85, in remission for cancer, she omits to add the obvious coda: ". . . as long as you have millions in the bank."
"Being young is really hard," she says. "Don't let anyone kid you."
Apparently life is hard, and "marriage is f—king hard!" she says.
"God Granted Me a Miracle," says Maria Menounos, referring to the baby she is expecting by surrogate. But for some reason God doesn't get the credit for her 2016 bout with brain cancer, or the pancreatic cancer she was diagnosed with in January. That's what two millennia of good PR will do for you.
With an interesting choice of words, the rag devotes its cover to "The Powerful Padma Lakshmi," who talks about motherhood and self-care, and evidently is one of the few celebrities who willingly sit down to talk with the rag, with no evidence that force or sharp objects were used.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Brie Larson wore it best, that actress Roselyn Sanchez "can move my nose like Samantha in 'Bewitched,'" and that the stars are just like us: they curl their hair, play pickleball and go mountain biking. Life-changing information.
"King Charles Makes Peace With Harry!" screams the cover.
Flying in the face of all evidence to the contrary, the rag reports on Charles' and Harry's "emotional reunion at coronation."
You can judge the validity of this information based on the fact that the issue appeared on newsstands three days before the coronation took place, and two days before Prince Harry even flew to England.
'Life & Style'
"Engaged!" declares the front page, over photographs of Brad Pitt and his girlfriend of recent months, Ines de Ramon, who works for a jewellery brand. The duo met in November 2022, spent New Year's together in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and have been seen out and about at art openings and private dinners. But most "insiders" claim that twice-wed Pitt, having put ex-wives Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie in the rear view mirror, is in no race to the altar.
'Life & Style,' on the other hand, claims to have inside information about his "secret proposal in Paris," and "why he's inviting Jen to the wedding."
Jen shouldn't hold her breath waiting for the invite.
Onwards and downwards . . .