'National Enquirer'
The once and future queen of the tabloids Princess Diana takes her rightful place on this week's cover with the declaration: "New Diana Tape Drives Dagger In Harry's Heart!"
It's Diana's erstwhile biographer Andrew Morton cashing in on his old tape-recorded interviews with the princess, disclosing her claim that Prince Charles, now King Charles III. was disappointed that Harry was not a girl – news that was revealed in the UK more than a week ago.
The 'Enquirer' of course goes beyond what the tapes revealed, claiming that Harry was a "tragic mistake" and quoting an unnamed "royal insider" calling the renegade prince an "unwanted child."
Supposedly the revelation "has thrown the runaway royal into a terrible emotional tailspin". Right.
"Killer Can't Be Stopped – Doomsday Covid Virus Hits America!"
Every new strain of Covid is an apocalyptic event to the 'Enquirer,' which routinely casts helpful doubts on Covid vaccines.
"Cuddling Clooneys Renew Their Vows!"
What's a tabloid to do when, after years of telling readers that George and Amal Clooney are getting divorced, the couple appear closer than ever? Let's pretend that never happened, as the couple "are now acting like loved-up newlyweds!"
"Weigh To Go, Donald!"
The 'Enquirer' questions Donald Trump's claim during his August booking on election fraud charges in Georgia that he is 6ft 3in and weighs only 215 pounds."You be the judge!" declares the rag. "Donald Trump: Hunk or Chunk?"
At least it makes a change from having tabloid editors guess celebrities' weight.
"Costner's Wife Getting A Job!"
Kevin Costner's estranged wife Christine Baumgartner reportedly says: "I will enter the workforce" after a judge slashed her monthly support payments to a meagre $62,209 a month to maintain her and their two children in the lifestyle to which they are accustomed. She was allegedly asking the judge to award her more than $161,000 a month. How will she ever survive on only $746,508 a year? I hear that McDonald's may be hiring.
'Globe'
Are Barack and Michelle Obama behind a "sinister" slaying? "Obama Chef Death Cover-Up Exposed!" screams the cover story. "Was It Murder?"
The 'Globe' is outraged that the autopsy is "sealed" and "cops won't talk" following the drowning death of the Obama family's long-time chef Tafari Campbell while out paddle-boarding at Martha's Vineyard..
Naturally the tabloid assumes that Campbell may have been killed to stop him from leaking "dark secrets about the Obamas' marriage and derail the gravy train they've been riding on since leaving the White House in 2016."
Ignoring the fact that the Obamas left the White House in 2017, there is no evidence – other than tabloid imagination – to suggest that Campbell "knew everything about his bosses" or had plans to expose any secrets.
"Meghan Will Never Bend A Knee To Kate!"
Andrew Morton, on the interview circuit publicizing the new documentary based on his taped interviews with Princess Diana, evidently said he doesn't see "Meghan Markle curtseying to Kate Middleton as a runner."
It's an opinion, nothing more, but the 'Globe' claims it's the reason why the "outranked actress hasn't gone back to Britain." Sure it is.
"Taylor Swift – What's Really Going On!"
As if the 'Globe' knows. The singer reportedly cries on stage while singing love songs. This inspires the 'Globe' to report on "Taylor's Terrible Torment!" She is allegedly "an emotional mess" after breaking up with longtime love Joe Alwyn, "struggles with an eating disorder," and battles "heartbreaking loneliness."
Strangely, she seemed rather happy winning nine VMA awards this week, and has been romantically linked with Travis Kelce. But I'm sure the 'Globe' knows best.
'People'
Anderson Cooper is this week's cover hunk, declaring: "This Is The Best Time in My Life."
He's lost his father, brother and mother, broke up with the co-parent of his two boys, and claims that he's having the time of his life? How happy would the CNN anchor be if things started to go right for him?
Pop singer Olivia Rodrigo talks about "fame, female rage & finding myself."
Apparently fame adds to the pressure to make a follow-up album better than the first, growing up she struggled with the conflict of "expectations placed on women" to be "grateful and calm and gracious and poised," and she has learned to "take myself a lot less seriously" and "trust my gut more." Not as revelatory as one might have hoped.
'Us Weekly'
"98 Degrees Are Back!"
Just what the world needs: another superannuated 90s boy band struggling to appear both young and relevant. Back in the late '90s they sold nearly 15 million records and had four Top Ten singles. They must be answering the great public clamour for their reunion.
Band member Nick Lachey says: "If we start sucking, we'll be like, 'OK guys. It's time to hang it up.'" Isn't that what sent them into retirement 20 years ago?
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Nicole Kidman wore it best, that actress Marlo Thomas thinks "6 o'clock . . . means champagne," and that the stars are just like us: they eat sweets, install fire alarms, and get "silly makeovers" from their infant children.
Life-changing information, as ever.
Onwards and downwards . . .
