Rejoice, America! The dog-killing DHS head Kristi Noem has finally nabbed that most dangerous of criminals: a Japanese Mormon computer science nerd who was near someone who was extra good at catching fish one afternoon.
Brigham Young University Ph.D. candidate Suguru Onda – husband, father of five, and apparent public enemy #1 – just got his student visa yanked because he organized a church fishing trip back in 2019 where someone caught too many fish. Not him, mind you – he didn't catch any fish at all. But as the "face" of this nefarious religious gathering, he got cited. A citation that prosecutors took one look at and immediately dismissed.
But our brave Department of Homeland Security chief, undeterred by such trivialities as "dismissed charges" or "basic logic," will deport this obvious menace to society. Never mind that Onda's a year away from his doctorate in computer science. Never mind that he his attorney, Adam Crayk, says he has never posted about politics.
From Deseret News:
An immigration attorney, Crayk said that traditionally international students were in jeopardy of having the visas revoked when they are connected with aggravated felonies, crimes involving "moral turpitude" and offenses related to, say, drugs, guns, protective order violations and certain domestic violence offenses.
"Something that's much more significant than keeping an extra fish," Crayk added.
Meanwhile, Onda and his family are packing up six years of their American life, supported by their Mormon congregation who – unlike our government – can apparently distinguish between actual threats and fish-adjacent misunderstandings.
So sleep well tonight, knowing our crack security apparatus is protecting you from computational scientists who know people with fishing rods.
Previously:
• Trump picks liar and puppy killer Kristi Noem to lead Homeland Security
