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The Candy Hierarchy (2016)
Any full-sized candy bar
Cash, or other forms of legal tender
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Tolberone something or other
POST TERTIARY LAYER
Hershey's Dark Chocolate
York Peppermint Patties
100 Grand Bar
Hershey's Milk Chocolate
Jolly Ranchers (good flavor)
Cadbury Creme Eggs
Gummy Bears straight up
Sourpatch Kids (i.e. abominations of nature)
Licorice (not black)
Minibags of chips
Mike and Ike
Kinder Happy Hippo
Goo Goo Clusters
Reggie Jackson Bar
Licorice (yes black)
Good N' Plenty
Bonkers (the board game)
Bonkers (the candy)
Chick-o-Sticks (we don't know what that is)
Hugs (actual physical hugs)
Sweetums (a friend to diabetes)
Person of Interest Season 3 DVD Box Set (not including Disc 4 with hilarious outtakes)
TIER SO LOW IT DOES NOT REGISTER ON OUR EQUIPMENT
JoyJoy (Mit Iodine!)
Vials of pure high fructose corn syrup, for main-lining into your vein
Jolly Rancher (bad flavor)
Creepy Religious comics/Chick Tracts
Those odd marshmallow circus peanut things
Anonymous brown globs that come in black and orange wrappers
Whole Wheat anything
Candy that is clearly just the stuff given out for free at restaurants
Gum from baseball cards
Broken glow stick
"What’s going on with Kit Kats Dave?"
TRANSCRIPTION OF THIS MORNING'S CONFERENCE PROCEEDING DISCUSSION, WITH COHEN AND NG.
BC: What’s going on with Kit Kats Dave?
DN: I was about to ask you the same.
BC: Something’s going on with Kit-Kats.
DN: But what?
BC: That’s what I asked you.
DN: Something weird, that’s all I know.
BC: Because we have to start accepting a consensus result. Not counting the full-sized candy bars or hard cash—which are gimmes, we don’t even need to ask that—the year-after-year consensus has a pretty stable top 4.
DN: Kit Kat, Peanut Butter Cups, Twix, Snickers.
BC: Huge news there—Kit Kats put Peanut Butter cups in their place, kicking them down a notch.
DN: I’m sure that pleases you. So we can talk your peanut butter thing now.
BC: My Big Peanut Butter thing. I see two problems with Big PB, neither of them acceptable to me.
DN: You haven’t shut up about this for about five years. You’re about to go into your Mint ra—
BC: CHOCOLATE-MINT COMBOS ARE SUPERIOR TO ALL OTHER CHOCOLATE COMBOS, PB included.
DN: Thank you for screaming. And notice there is not one choc-mint combo in the top 20.
BC: I wasn’t listening, what?
BC: Doesn’t matter. I have other concerns. Like allergies.
DN: Medical science. You’ re trying to get us legitimacy?
BC: Yeah. We’ve come up to speed in most public eating forums on peanut allergies. But not Halloween. What gives?
DN: I have no reply to that.
BC: What’s the other big news this year?
DN: Yeah, let’s pivot.
BC: We have some good health news. People prefer “whole wheat anything” to “white bread.”
DN: Maybe. But people would also prefer Person of Interest Season 3 Box Set to a Box of Raisins.
BC: It’s not even their best season.
DN: You’re preaching to the choir.
BC: Bonkers the Board Game is preferable to Bonkers the candy.
DN: Most Just Born brand candies are mid-tier—
BC: Your Mike and Ikes, your Hot Tamales, your Peeps, right.
DN: Actually, Peeps didn’t fare well, and we forgot Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews (though someone wrote it in).
BC: And I just realized we didn’t put Hot Tamales on there.
DN: Political results were interesting.
BC: Do tell.
DN: I don’t think we’re telling tales out of school to announce that people prefer Blue M&Ms to Red M&Ms by a 2-to-1 margin. Although to be fair, most folks didn’t seem to care one way or another.
BC: I don’t think we’re telling tales out of school to say that Red folks preferred Skittles more than Blue did.
DN: You're really extrapolating beyond statistical validity, I fear.
BC: I like how now you act like that's a concern.
DN: Speaking more scientifically, people who chose the "Yahoo! Finance" headlines at the bottom preferred cash too. That makes sense.
BC: Plus, BoingBoing readers are overwhelmingly scientifically curious (choice of "Science" in the last question, n=983 out of 1232). That's hopeful.
DN: Yeah, you don't get that scientific anchoring in those off-brand polls, like the Influenster one I saw last week. Besides, I think they invalidate their own survey since Candy Corn was highest rated with their metrics.
BC: Speaking of scientific legitimacy, I can't believe we haven't talked about the results that are already shocking the world.
DN: You're talking about the Friday/Sunday question, I assume.
BC: Of course, Dave, yes, I'm talking about the Friday/Sunday question. Last year we had a near perfect 67:33 ratio of a Friday-to-Sunday preference.
DN: But something happened, because this year we had a sea change, to 65:35 Fri:Sun.
BC: I don't even know what's real anymore. We've continued that survey at Various Breads and Butters for a year now, with lock-tight 2:1 results.
The Platinum Ratio, as people call it now.
DN: It could be bad data. Or campaign fatigue.
BC: Would explain why people are definitely poll-weary, that's something.
DN: Good point. We only had about a fourth the respondents as last year, at close to 1300. It's the political season. People are done with it.
BC: They're done with apple questions too.
DN: Yeah, I'm still struggling to figure out what that East-West apple-eating question is.
BC: Most people are. It just shows that you eat apples from side to side, not bottom to top (core and all).
DN: Why is that even a question?
BC: There's some freak in my hometown that does it that freak way, and then some guy in Northern Virginia. Outliers.
DN: Tell them to eat apples 10,000 times, they'll learn.
BC: Donny P said "I hope they print my manifesto about the correct way to eat an apple," but nimelennar knew the sticking point "I doubt they will. The apple lobby is dominated by in-ciders." This entire line of reasoning has been redacted.
BC: Any other insights to offer.
DN: Not really, but how about lots of graphs.
BC: And more footnotes?
DN: Yes, footnotes galore.
BC: I can't go on like this.
DN: Well? Shall we go?
DN: Shall we go?
BC: Yes, let's go.
They do not move. Cos of the candy? Sugar crash.