New age holy water


84 Responses to “New age holy water”

  1. dbarak says:

    I bought some “fat free” water once. I’ve got a picture of it somewhere. I wish I could find it…

  2. Takuan says:

    this has got me thinking… what IS the largest volume of water that can get blessed holy all in one go? Do they cover this in the manual somewhere? Any lapsed jesuits out there that can spill some trade secrets?

  3. redrichie says:


    Haha…yes, I’d like to see that “sourced from the pure air of New Zealand £10.”

    *psssftttt* *snuff* “Hmm, smells like sheep farts.”

  4. Boingrage says:

    I wrote a post about a similar product from Whole Foods called Aquamantra: New Age Aquascam

  5. Zipidedooda says:

    #10 phillamb168 wrote:
    Basically, city water (the FREE stuff) is some of the cleanest, most pure water in the nation, if not the world.

    Yeah, NYC water is great. A lot of folks don’t let it run long enough to get through crummy building pipes (that could be full of lead and stuff, too).

  6. Thad E Ginataom says:

    I hope you paid lots and lots and lots of money for this bottle of miracle water!

  7. grimc says:

    Is there a crystal-free version? I only like music and prayer (I grumble “Oh god” several times a day).

  8. dross1260 says:

    Now Buddhists and the Hopi have one more thing in common besides the swastika. Maybe she should put that on the label.

  9. janusnode says:

    Sorry, #19: the concept of bottle air is not patentable; it’s been done.

  10. Phikus says:

    It could only be better if it were dehydrated water. Beats oilin’ snakes like we use’ta!

  11. Takuan says:

    of course they won’t mind paying me a little protection money to keep me from uttering curses over a map of North America and one of their labels.

  12. TedJohnson says:


    I’ve patented Bottled Sight. It’s like binoculars without the annoying magnification and lenses.

    “Everything looks better though Ted’s Bottled Sight®”.

  13. dbarak says:

    #16 posted by Trilby

    Me like! I never made that connection before.

  14. Antinous / Moderator says:

    Bottled water makes sense for people who live in some agricultural areas. You can’t imagine the nasty smelling stuff that can come out of a tap. It passes health muster, but you’d gag if you got it within a foot of your nose.

  15. Anonymous says:

    but doesn’t the water get traumatized by being jostled around in a delivery truck?

  16. HPHovercraft says:

    #14 posted by Takuan

    Too damned right – I wish I’d thought of it first.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Honest John’s Instant Ice: Just add water and pop it in the freezer.

  18. Takuan says:

    lived on a volcano for a year where the ground water ran through so much broken geology it came out the taps white. Yeah, bottled water for cooking can make sense. But only because we weren’t set up to catch the two meters of rainfall.

  19. Phikus says:

    Why pray over them just until they have been shipped? Isn’t there time when sitting on the shelf where they might be prime for deharmonizing influences? Shouldn’t they be fully covered by prayer until consumed? After? Who set the limits on the prayer anyway? Wouldn’t 15 minutes work just as well, for full lifetime coverage?

    Voivoed@3: Apparently they are employing the classic Muhammad Ali system of exclusion. ;D

  20. Anonymous says:

    If she’s astounded, wouldn’t that mean that she never really believed it would do any good in the first place? Doesn’t leave me with the impression of someone who isn’t just trying to market on the growing number of ‘healthy and spiritualistic’ mindsets being adopted around the globe.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Don’t drink water – fish fucked in it.

    Having told the truth I can finally go to sleep.

  22. Brainspore says:

    @ #8 posted by wrybread:

    what if you’re not at home or otherwise not near a tap? I’m not positive but I’d bet the majority of bottles of water aren’t consumed at home.

    [begin Cranky Old Man rant]

    Back in MY day we used drinking fountains when we were outdoors and got water by the glass when we weren’t! And if we had to go somewhere without water we would carry a CANTEEN, dammit!

    [end Cranky Old Man rant]

  23. Takuan says:

    Man 7: Hi, uh, I have a little bit of pain in my balls whenever I watch VH1.
    Carlos Ramirez: Oh, here, try this, man. Ah, this is allll-naturalll ball juice. [the man takes it and drinks. Carlos and Chief Pinto chortle]
    Man 7: Wow, I feel better already! [walks away. Carlos and Chief Pinto laugh some more.]
    Miss Information: [joining the two men] And next we have Mrs. Broflovski’s son. [Sheila drags Kyle in by his jacket collar]
    Sheila: [let's him drop to the floor] Okay, here he is.
    Chief Running Pinto: Ahahem, that kid looks really sick.
    Miss Information: Yes. He really needs his toxins flushed again.
    Chief Running Pinto: No. I mean, he look REALLY sick, man. You should take him to, like, a doctor.
    Customers: [look ar each other] Hmm?
    Sheila: But you’re more in touch with the earth.
    Chief Running Pinto: Look, bein’ in touch with the earth has nothing to do with dyin’, man.

  24. AGF says:

    I’ve been places (sadly in Canada) where the tap water is only safe if you boil it. So there bottled water is useful. Generally though – I agree – bottled water is very silly!

  25. Anonymous says:

    Science saved my life, so I have a certain measure of trust in it.

    That said, the water we all drink is the same that was here eons ago. Recycled a zillion times.

    The water we drink in cities is indeed full of strange medical stuff, the water they drink in the countryside stinks chemicals, the only water some countries have access to is almost deadly, the only pure water available nowadays is distilled water.

    But the human animal is a resilient thing! I think we’ll survive.

    Not, though, if too many of us keep on believing unveriefiable imaginary crap. That’s not just funny (it is!) it’s also dangerous.


  26. Anonymous says:

    as if this is the most pretentious, bullshit thing in whole foods

  27. Anonymous says:

    Ok, … I’m going to sound crazy for this but…

    I’ve been in the presence of native american ceramonies and spoken with cheifs before. I was even passed given the name Runningdeer. The quotes on the left side of the label are exactly how they would talk. And I this person would actually have a very interesting story to tell.

    HOWEVER, to attempt to market and mass produce a gift like that I think is not only foolish, but distasteful, disgraceful, and dispicable.

  28. Brainspore says:

    @ #34: It seems to me the most efficient thing to do would be to pray for ALL the planet’s water at once and be done with it.

    In fact, if the Catholic Church had thought of that solution we could have killed off all the world’s vampires long ago.

  29. alisong76 says:

    Not really any sillier than having some guy in a long robe wave his hand over it and mumble a few words, though, and some people seem to think that does something, as well.

  30. Anonymous says:

    Water is tainted the world over. Test water in any city and you will find remnants of estrogen, nicotine, prozac, etc. Her water is no different. Tap water for most cities is Waste water turned back into drinking water. The tests they use only account for bacteria in the water and not for DRUGS or estrogen, etc. There are many ways to purify water but none are truly efficient or sufficient. Filter=expensive, and temporary. Reverse osmosis=much better but still allows drugs through. Then there is steam distillation=best possible method and if you have ever drank pure steam distilled water you will note that it seems extremely wet and bland, exactly how it should.

    ANY water touted as healing water or spirit water is a scam and anyone buying it and believing it should seriously reconsider how un-intelligent or gullible they are. For that matter Evian AKA NAIVE! Has made millions off of idiots. Literally the name is NAIVE backwards yet nobody seems to notice how naive and ridiculous they seem while buying or drinking a $2 a bottle water.

  31. Chevan says:

    Nothing was more disappointing than drinking a bottle of Nestle’s bottled water and finding out it’s not some sort of fancy chocolate water.

  32. J France says:


    One of the first tiem i’ve felt the need to post “meh” or similar. Most the folks above me ahve pointed out the absurdity of this.

    But then again: if it makes you feel good, more power to you.

  33. SamSam says:


    This reminds me of these morons that talk about needing to “cleanse” their Tarot cards because of negative vibrations (someone touched their cards), using incense and “magic” crystals.

    Errr… I hardly see the “cleansing” part of that statement as being any weirder than believing in Tarot themselves. You may have just said “This reminds me of these morons that believe in Tarot cards.”

    Are vibrations any weirder than Tarot?

  34. Boeotian says:

    My guess is she thought about that only because of her last name.

  35. MrWeeble says:

    The 6th to 9th letters of Brightwater seem strangely significant.

  36. disprofession says:

    What is this “new age” thing I keep hearing about?

  37. jahknow says:

    See also the ‘film’ entitled “What the (Bleep) Do We Know?”

  38. Moriarty says:

    “Tap water for most cities is Waste water turned back into drinking water.”

    Actually, all water is waste water, most of it millions of times over. Directly reprocessed waste water is generally more pure than any natural spring. They have to make it that way, even though it could be far less pure and still have no effect on health, just because of the psychological factors.

    You’re right, of course, that distillation yields the purest water, but it’s also incredibly energy intensive. I’m totally willing to tolerate a few parts per million of whatever if the science says it’s not going to hurt me.

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      I’m totally willing to tolerate a few parts per million of whatever if the science says it’s not going to hurt me.

      The same science that gave us trans-fats and thalidomide? That level of trust in science is amazingly reminiscent of believing in new age holy water.

  39. relgin says:

    This reminds me of these morons that talk about needing to “cleanse” their Tarot cards because of negative vibrations (someone touched their cards), using incense and “magic” crystals.

  40. Anonymous says:

    @phillamb168, don’t look now but they’re already selling bottled NY tap water:

  41. Anonymous says:

    Re #33

    Dehydrated water originated at my High School in the early 1950s. It was called Yolland’s Reagent, and was stored in rthe lab for many years. It was invented for saving space in space ships.

    Also a bottle of water from the tap cost less a cent, and just as efficacious.

  42. retchdog says:

    The bottle might make more sense, but the fact remains: Dr. Bronner’s is a body soap nonpareil. (If I am wrong, please advise me. “Kiss My Face” and J/A/S/O/N need not apply.)

    This water isn’t any better than any other water.

  43. Anonymous says:

    I find it interesting that she doesn’t purify the water… rather, she purifies the water’s energy.

  44. Takuan says:

    pure water equals energy. The price of energy sets the price of water.

  45. Anonymous says:

    Basically the same thing here –

  46. Anonymous says:

    oops, turns out the labels were switched. the original labels read:

    contents: 100% natural & essential oils from free-range north american snakes

  47. Brainspore says:

    We’re all drinking recycled dinosaur pee!

  48. jjasper says:

    Ah, but this only works on Newage (rhymes with sewage) vampires.

  49. hassan-i-sabbah says:

    This is why we had punk rock.
    I dunno what is worse,The mush brained woowoo that people will (gladly) buy ,or the evil venal bullshit artists that peddle this pointless shit.Probably deserve each other.The perfect gullable/venal feedback loop.
    Anyone want to buy a perpetual motion machine based on the idiogreed of the newage?

  50. Phikus says:

    Brainspore: Good point. Especially potent when it’s raining in Transylvania. Glad we worked that one out.

    It would seem that people shopping at WFM for water have more money than sense already, so it’s a good way to determine a good mark. They should have a bridge sweepstakes entry form on the back of the label.

  51. stegodon says:

    Dudes, whatever. I drank five of these last night and even made one into a heady chai tea with soymilk, blasting Enya the entire time, wearing my crystal wrap necklace and eating gooballs and this morning I woke up levitating. So there.

  52. Anonymous says:

    But does it guarantee that it won’t harm my essence?

  53. monstrinho_do_biscoito says:

    empirical evidence or it didn’t happen.

  54. mr_josh says:

    Well, there’s some Dr. Bronner’s soap in my shower right now and I have to say, the label makes a lot more sense than this stuff. Dr. Bronner’s stuff just promotes working together and peace and blah blah blah.

  55. yri says:

    Dr. Bronner’s label copy is far more entertaining, and therefore more likely true. I call this principle “Occam’s Whoopie Cushion.”

  56. osiris7 says:

    re: phillamb168:

    Yeah, I’ve read those reports about NYC tap water.
    I totally agree: NYC tap water tastes excellent. I grew up in Arizona and got so tired of alkaline (hard) water. NYC water, which comes from protected snowmelt lakes upstate (like Croton reservoir) tastes great right out of the tap.

  57. HollywoodBob says:

    P.T. Barnum would be so proud.

  58. voivoed says:

    She said she then asks “the Great Spirit to help feed the hungry children, keep the waters clean and to protect the two- and four-legged on this planet.”

    And what about the 6- and 8-legged? Or the amputees?

    Of course, not that it makes any difference anyway. But she could have been nice and included everybody, not simply arbitrarily excluded the differently-legged.

  59. Anonymous says:

    to protect the two- and four-legged on this planet

    Oh great, more ant hate… like they aren’t persecuted ENOUGH already.

  60. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, astounded that anyone bought into this malarky. Still, what feels good for you is not necessarily a bad thing…

  61. Stefan Jones says:

    Woo-woo water!

    Man, you could have all sorts of programmed water. Like:

    Yee-Haw He-Man Desperado Water. The cases are stored in a pen full of tumbleweed, dried bull testicles, and horny coyotes, and are subject to three days of bombardment with country music and the sound of a revolver going off.

  62. Brainspore says:

    Bottled water is one of the most deviously brilliant scams to ever reach such a wide audience. I’ve met countless people that consider themselves earth-conscious environmentalists yet don’t see the inherent wastefulness of shipping water across the country (or ocean) in disposable plastic containers.

    Unless you’re living in a third world country just drink out of the tap! If you’re extra picky you can always buy a filter.

  63. Teller says:

    Sounds like the water’s going on a vision quest instead of on a truck ride to the Upper West Side.

  64. Mark Frauenfelder says:

    I’ve switched back to drink tap water. It’s so much fun getting (almost) free water piped right into my home!

  65. Modusoperandi says:

    Anonymous “Water is tainted the world over.”
    Nice one. Water has a tough enough time with its body image as it is. Way to ruin the party.

    Test water in any city and you will find remnants of estrogen, nicotine, prozac, etc.”
    But that’s the nutrients!

    “Her water is no different.”
    Let me be the first to say, “Ew, gross!”.

  66. wrybread says:

    @5: what if you’re not at home or otherwise not near a tap? I’m not positive but I’d bet the majority of bottles of water aren’t consumed at home.

    I certainly agree with your premise though.

  67. Anonymous says:

    Plus it prevents tooth-decay!

  68. wafna says:

    Rome: 100AD.

  69. phillamb168 says:

    They’re selling this in -New York-??

    I’ll spare you all the “some people really are idiots” rant that I’ve got going on in my head right now, and instead point, once again, to the quality studies performed by the NY Department of Environmental Protection:

    Basically, city water (the FREE stuff) is some of the cleanest, most pure water in the nation, if not the world.

    Next up, a link to a Gothamist story about a hipster in Williamsburg who makes his -own- new age bullshit water!

  70. TroofSeeker says:

    Apparently “she lays out tumbled stones that she has “programmed for love, health and prosperity.”

    Tumbling stones is a very abrasive and disorienting thing to do to stones… I doubt if they’re very receptive to her programming after being treated that way. They’re probably bruised and angry.

  71. Anonymous says:

    Considering Masaru Emoto’s research into how water actually is affected by ‘positive energy’ projected towards it, maybe it is not as silly as it seems? Also, bottled water- terrible packaging, as plastic bottles leak toxins and is extremely wasteful, but then tap water has added fluoride, which is a mental suppressant, and then there is the assortment of prescription drugs found in most tap.
    (not making citations as you can google yourself :)

  72. hassan-i-sabbah says:

    “So many people have e-mailed me to tell me they can feel the energy flowing through them when they drink the water,” she said. “I’m astounded.”
    Your not the only one.

  73. redrichie says:

    Ugh, bottled water.

    This stuff, at least, has the distinction of being totally hilarious.

    Like Brainspore says at #5, it’s an insanely wasteful scam. I live in Scotland, a cold, grey damp, damp, damp place on the scuzzy end of the Bristish Isles. Therefore, I am pretty well served with water fangyewverrymush, and yet people (who often make many complaints about how skint they are) don’t see that bottled water is an unethical and expensive way to slake their thirst. “But look it isn’t environmentally unfriendly; the bottle squashes up small.”

  74. Anonymous says:

    Where’s Eric Cartman when you need him?

  75. Moriarty says:

    “That level of trust in science is amazingly reminiscent of believing in new age holy water.”

    Right, except exactly the opposite. Often scientific knowledge is flawed or incomplete. Doesn’t make it not the best thing to go on.

  76. Takuan says:

    you’re all just jealous.

  77. V says:

    Are you sure its not still April 1st somewhere?

  78. Trilby says:

    Try spelling “Evian” backwards.

  79. blueelm says:

    Hmmm… I’d like to program my water to run a nano-GPS system in my bloodstream. Sounds totally plausible.

  80. blueelm says:

    *GPS System is redundant. I am sorry.

  81. Itsumishi says:

    @5: what if you’re not at home or otherwise not near a tap? I’m not positive but I’d bet the majority of bottles of water aren’t consumed at home.

    I certainly agree with your premise though.

    See this is where people should see the difference between a water bottle and bottled water. One you pay for once and because they’re generally of a higher quality than the cheap disposable things that bottled water comes in you are likely to keep re-using for years. I know I had one attached to my bike for about 4 years before the lid finally gave up. I doubt I’ve ever used a cheap disposable bottle of water for more than about 3 days, although again I’m sure this is possible. However most people do not do either of these things, they buy the water, throw away the bottle then buy another. It’s absurd.

  82. airship says:

    Bah. Bottled Air is the new bottled water. I’ve already patented the concept.

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