If Cormac McCarthy was a Yelp reviewer

Yelping with Cormac is a rather arch and very funny Tumblr with a simple premise: what if Cormac McCarthy was addicted to reviewing restaurants and stores on Yelp?

Whole Foods Market
Noe Valley - San Francisco, CA
Cormac M. | Author | Lost in the chaparral, NM
Four stars.
The sheriff and the posse were now a block away and riding seven abreast rifles in hand and horses snorting and wildeyed. The outlaw dropped his pistol and stiffwalked into the parking lot of a grocery store. Around him young women in skintight sporting clothes stopped and stared.
The ground shook as the posse rode up on the parking lot entrance but the sheriff stopped his riders with a raised hand and sawed his palamino around sending the animal sidestepping like a showhorse into a newspaper box which fell over with a great cacophony. When the noise subsided the neighborhood and the parking lot were silent. The riders and the outlaw and the women frozen like actors in some gypsy roadshow.
A rider wearing an elaborate mustache and carrying a Winchester onehanded nudged his quarterhorse toward the sheriff. Hell he’s right there sheriff.
I know it. Im lookin at him same as you.
What are we waitin for then.
We caint touch him now deputy. They got their own way here.
The riders watched as the women left their station wagons and strollers and encircled the outlaw. As if some ancient instinct united them. Silent as wolves and staring intently at the broken man standing there. He saw his mistake and called out to the riders reaching toward them with his one good arm but was struck down with a savage blow from a rolled yoga mat.

Yelping with Cormac (via Making Light)

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

MORE: Copyfight • Funny • literary • parody

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MrHaroHaro

That seems more useful than 90% of Yelp reviews.
CSBD

McCarthy had me until The Road. Upon reading that, I came to belive that the author:

1. has never actually done with out
2. has never met a bad/desperate person in real life
3. has no idea how children behave in less than idealistic environments (Liberia or central africa comes to mind)
4. has not ever lived in hick/hillbilly/”rebel” (militia) territory

That being said, I still love movies based on his books… and these parody reviews are pretty awesome.
dculberson

I was highly amused until I got to T.G.I. Friday’s. Then I laughed until my face turned red.
dculberson

Holy mother of god this stuff is good.

“Hasn’t been real sugar in this torte since before the highway was built here. Since before the first settlers came through with bibles and Henry rifles. The slow mockery of corn syrup.”

I’m going to remember “the slow mockery of corn syrup.”
bcsizemo

Forget that Reddit story about the military battalion that goes back in time. I want to see these made into a movie, like 5-15 minute shorts. It could be narrated by Morgan Freeman or something. It’d be so cash.
Joe Skaggs

This tumblr is less over-rated than Cormac McCarthy’s novels.
rob_cornelius

This wins the internet for today… maybe even the rest of the month. My fave is the ikea one but the TGI Fridays one is a close second
gwailo_joe

I try to stay out of that Whole Foods; now I see my suspicions justified.

“…could God make a taco so terrible even He could not eat it.”? That gets many ‘likes’ from me!
Guest

My Cormac McCarthy Star Trek: The Next Generaton episode from TREKS NOT TAKEN, published in 1998: http://www.steveboy.com/all_the_pretty_humans.pdf
Jorpho

See also: Hemmingway as Yelper.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ernest-hemingway-yelper
jimh

I love the “Cafe Gratitude” entry.
It’s easier to appreciate if you’ve eaten there, and would end right properly in bloodshed.
drvoodoo

Check the dates. This Cormac tumblr ripped this off:

http://www.yelp.com/biz/arbys-new-orleans-2#hrid:I0DKx_dWvcBkmvcpXbYVgg
L_Mariachi

There’s no Whole Foods in Noe Valley.
- artaxerxes
  
  Shore there is. It’s in the old Cala/Bell Market building across the street from the erstwhile Real Food Co. store, which was driven out of business by an out-of-state buyer who refused to honor employees’ desire to unionize. 8 years, still vacant.
  
  “Station wagons” hit a wrong note, but the review’s pretty damned accurate. Needs moar sullen punk rock employees bummed that they’re stuck working the most uptight Whole Foods in SF.
  
  I think the karma of the ugly demise of The Real Food Co. infected that Whole Foods with an eternal blight. I’m not fond of Whole Foods stores, but this one has a particularly cold, hostile, automaton-run vibe. Walking into it feels like walking into that Playmobile Security Theater set.
  
  I love the Café Gratitude review. The best thing about that place is the number of brilliantly scathing reviews it’s generated. Accusations of unrealistically high prices are unfair though. The price of every item on the menu includes the cost of the Fleet Enemas you won’t need for the next week. The top performer in this category is the date shake. I’m seeing a synergy that might benefit Dubai were Café Gratitude to expand there.