If Cormac McCarthy was a Yelp reviewer

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14 Responses to “If Cormac McCarthy was a Yelp reviewer”

  1. MrHaroHaro says:

    That seems more useful than 90% of Yelp reviews.

  2. CSBD says:

    McCarthy had me until The Road.  Upon reading that, I came to belive that the author:

    1.  has never actually done with out
    2.  has never met a bad/desperate person in real life
    3.  has no idea how children behave in less than idealistic environments (Liberia or central africa comes to mind)
    4.  has not ever lived in hick/hillbilly/”rebel” (militia) territory

    That being said, I still love movies based on his books… and these parody reviews are pretty awesome.

  3. dculberson says:

    I was highly amused until I got to T.G.I. Friday’s.  Then I laughed until my face turned red.

  4. dculberson says:

    Holy mother of god this stuff is good.

    “Hasn’t been real sugar in this torte since before the highway was built here. Since before the first settlers came through with bibles and Henry rifles. The slow mockery of corn syrup.”

    I’m going to remember “the slow mockery of corn syrup.”

  5. bcsizemo says:

    Forget that Reddit story about the military battalion that goes back in time.  I want to see these made into a movie, like 5-15 minute shorts.  It could be narrated by Morgan Freeman or something.  It’d be so cash.

  6. Joe Skaggs says:

    This tumblr is less over-rated than Cormac McCarthy’s novels.

  7. rob_cornelius says:

    This wins the internet for today… maybe even the rest of the month. My fave is the ikea one but the TGI Fridays one is a close second

  8. gwailo_joe says:

    I try to stay out of that Whole Foods; now I see my suspicions justified.

    “…could God make a taco so terrible even He could not eat it.”?   That gets many ‘likes’ from me!

  9. Guest says:

    My Cormac McCarthy Star Trek: The Next Generaton episode from TREKS NOT TAKEN, published in 1998: http://www.steveboy.com/all_the_pretty_humans.pdf

  10. jimh says:

    I love the “Cafe Gratitude” entry.
    It’s easier to appreciate if you’ve eaten there, and would end right properly in bloodshed.

  11. drvoodoo says:

    Check the dates. This Cormac tumblr ripped  this off:

    http://www.yelp.com/biz/arbys-new-orleans-2#hrid:I0DKx_dWvcBkmvcpXbYVgg

  12. L_Mariachi says:

    There’s no Whole Foods in Noe Valley.

    • artaxerxes says:

      Shore there is. It’s in the old Cala/Bell Market building across the street from the erstwhile Real Food Co. store, which was driven out of business by an out-of-state buyer who refused to honor employees’ desire to unionize. 8 years, still vacant.

      “Station wagons”  hit a wrong note, but the review’s pretty damned accurate. Needs moar sullen punk rock employees bummed that they’re stuck working the most uptight Whole Foods in SF.

      I think the karma of the ugly demise of The Real Food Co. infected that Whole Foods with an eternal blight. I’m not fond of Whole Foods stores, but this one has a particularly cold, hostile, automaton-run vibe. Walking into it feels like walking into that Playmobile Security Theater set.

      I love the Café Gratitude review. The best thing about that place is the number of brilliantly scathing reviews it’s generated. Accusations of unrealistically high prices are unfair though. The price of every item on the menu includes the cost of the Fleet Enemas you won’t need for the next week. The top performer in this category is the date shake. I’m seeing a synergy that might benefit Dubai were Café Gratitude to expand there.

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