Duck does not like to be touched



  1. I think this was an unintentional Spoonerism involving a certain filthy friar, for it is well known that “Tuck does not like to be douched.”

  2. I sighed as I returned to the scene with a couple orders of Scotch eggs and funnel cakes.

    Hay and feathers were still wafting slowly from the sky.

    Deep gouges in the bare ground, deeper than I thought webbed feet capable.

    Panicked hee-hawing in the distance, getting further away at a rapid clip.

    Both the turkey leg vendor’s and face painter’s booths broken and leveled. Workers in RenFaire garb picking up the pieces.

    The little wooden throne in splintery shards as if hit by an M-80, its feathery monarch having abdicated it and the little kingdom surrounding it in the most frenzied fashion possible. The only intact part being the little warning sign formerly attached to the throne’s backrest, lying there among the wreckage as a taunt to the unwise.

    Every squirrel in sight up its respective tree, chattering both in anger and in a lack of understanding at what had just happened.

    Glenn was flat on his back, whimpering and probing helplessly with rubbery fingers at the chilled squid plastered across his face, thinking it to be a life-ending wound. To this day, I still have no idea where that squid came from.

    Glenn realized his mistake, peeled the squid off his face, looked at it, and flung it aside with what seemed more horror than when he believed himself a dead man.

    He quickly found me standing there with his lunch, saw me staring back. He knew what I was going to say. I said it anyway.

    “You touched the duck, didn’t you?”

  3. I was wondering how they kept the cushion of his throne so pristinely clean when it hit me:  that “garment” is a diaper. 

    How many of you aren’t a bit cranky when wearing a soiled diaper, too?  I know I’m a royal pain.

    Case closed.  Next?

    1. Having been compelled by this post to read the Wikipedia article on ducks, I can report back that they do not make good “inside” pets because they do not come equipped with sphincter muscles. No wonder he’s wearing a diaper.

  4. Could this be the same duck for which that Tory MP scandalously spent a small fortune (and charged it to his parliamentary expense account) for a Duck House on a Duck Island?

  5. FINE!  Then I’ll get my OWN duck and it’ll be ten times better than your duck and I’ll touch it WHENEVER I WANT!

  6. Duck who does not like to be touched, does not like to be touched.
    Well I, for one, welcome our duck who does not like to be touched overlord.
    In Soviet Russia, duck touches you!

    Duck does not like to be watched.
    Anatidaephobia:  The fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

    Duck may not like to be touched, but does not mind being eaten, provided of course, you do NOT play with your food (which involves touching it).

    And so on and so forth, the possibilities are near endless.

  7. I honestly think that my last relationship would have gone much better if my lover had seen fit to post this sign.

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