Legal humor from the Pro Se files

Pro Se litigation -- where the plaintiff is her/his own lawyer -- is a hotbed of legal humor. Lowering the Bar rounds up some of the weirdest examples from recent history:

Joan Newberger v. Department of Wildlife & Fishery, State of Louisiana: Lawsuit for ADA violations and wrongful seizure. The plaintiff's four service monkeys were taken from her as she attempted to change their diapers and feed them on Bourbon Street. [ed: the monkeys were dressed as pirates]

Ray Miles v. State of Kansas; Kansas Highway Patrol; Capitol Police: Petition to be "left the f*ck alone" where the defendants harassed the plaintiff for "no reason." $100 million.

Today in Pro Se Litigation

• [scruss]

  Will anyone ever match Arkell v. Pressdram?

• [ravenlunatick]

  Click through and read Bruni v. Bruni if you haven’t read it before (especially the footnotes). This is one judge who has had *enough*. Sooooo funny
  (its the “available here” link under “motion to leave me the f*ck alone”)

  • [Bubba73]

    That is a work of genius

    • [Ryne Sanberg]

      The dry, legal wit and humor from judges can be hilarious.  My favorite are opinions written solely in poetic verse.

      “Wolff v. New Hampshire Dep’t of Corrections, 06-cv-321-PB (D.N.H. 2007).When the plaintiff filed a hard-boiled egg as part of his request for a preliminary injunction, Magistrate Judge James R. Muirhead, replied Seussilly:

      No fan I am
      Of the egg at hand.
      Just like no ham 
      On the kosher plan.
      This egg will rot
      I kid you not. 
      And stink it can
      This egg at hand.
      There will be no eggs at court
      To prove a clog in your aort. 
      There will be no eggs accepted. 
      Objections all will be rejected.
      From this day forth
      This court will ba
      nHard-boiled eggs of any brand.
       And if you should not understand The meaning of the ban at hand 
      Then you should contact either Dan,the Deputy Clerk, or my clerk Jan.
      I do not like eggs in the file
      .I do not like them in any style.
      I will not take them fried or boiled.
      I will not take them poached or broiled.
      I will not take them soft or scrambled
      Despite an argument well-rambled.
      No fan I am
      Of the egg at hand.
      Destroy that egg!
      Today! Today!Today I say! Without delay!”

  • [Ryne Sanberg]

    It’s hilarious when Judges use dry, legal wit and humor.  The opinions I enjoy most are those written solely in poetic verse . 

    United States v. One 1976 Ford F-150 Pickup, 599 F. Supp. 818 (E.D. Mo. 1984)
    District Judge Wangelin: The defendant herein is a truck, The vehicle is a pick-up, Alleged by a fedTo be found in a bedOf marijuana, caught in the muck.
     
    and

    Wolff v. New Hampshire Dep’t of Corrections, 06-cv-321-PB (D.N.H. 2007).
    When the plaintiff filed a hard-boiled egg as part of his request for a preliminary injunction, Magistrate Judge James R. Muirhead, replied Seussilly:No fan I am
    Of the egg at hand.
    Just like no ham 
    On the kosher plan.This egg will rot
    I kid you not. 
    And stink it can
    This egg at hand.There will be no eggs at court
    To prove a clog in your aort. 
    There will be no eggs accepted. 
    Objections all will be rejected.From this day forth
    This court will ban
    Hard-boiled eggs of any brand. 
    And if you should not understand 
    The meaning of the ban at hand 
    Then you should contact either Dan,
    the Deputy Clerk, or my clerk Jan.I do not like eggs in the file.
    I do not like them in any style.
    I will not take them fried or boiled.
    I will not take them poached or broiled.
    I will not take them soft or scrambled
    Despite an argument well-rambled.No fan I amOf the egg at hand.Destroy that egg!Today! Today!Today I say! Without delay!

  • [Thad Boyd]

    Dammit, I accidentally clicked on Washington v Alaimo instead and now I wish I haven’t.  “Motion to kiss my ass” is hilarious by itself; finding out it was written by a mentally insane cop-killer really takes the fun out of it.

• [Ryne Sanberg]

  Pro se definition should be edited.  It is not “where the plaintiff is her/his own lawyer.”  It’s when you advocate, as defendant or plaintiff, on your own behalf instead of having a lawyer represent you; an important distinction.