Battleship sinks itself

Just in case you were wondering, the Battleship movie is as stupid as it seems: "I was floored by just what new levels of stupidity in cinema the film achieves. The premise is insultingly stupid, the dialogue more so, and I’m torn over what is more cartoonish, the cliché character stereotypes or the godawful CGI. It even has a laughable post credit scene trying to set up for a sequel, the possibility of which should have every one of you in a cold sweat." (via Making Light)


  1. This is what happens when you mess with the source material.

    If they’d used Joss Whedon’s original script, they’d have the whole subplot about mysterious giant red plastic pegs, and crewmen on the damaged destroyer bitching that they might as well all be pawns in a mysterious game played by nine year olds.

    1.  this is a quite heavy hinton the hype around “the avengers”,isn’t it? important for wether liking your status not. ;)

  2. Let me guess…Heres the catch phrase–“You sank my battleship!” and that Rihanna, I bet she brings a lot of acting prowess to the movie… I heard a rumor they shelved  “Chutes and ladders” starring Nicki Minaj. 

    1. You would THINK “You sunk my battleship!” would be a key phrase, right? I was waiting THE ENTIRE movie for it. I was going to stand up and SHOUT when it was finally said! And guess what? THEY DIDN’T SAY IT. There, I just saved you, like, ten bucks and 2.5 hours of your life.

  3. Pictured in this phote: Taylor Kitsch (BATTLESHIP) calls his agent collect to remind the agent, once again, to never let him sign any contract while under delusions induced by unknown hallucinogenic substances, and to make sure that his contract for the upcoming sequel, “HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS” is well and truly cancelled.

  4. Battleship was shallow fun. Fun set pieces, good special effects and somebody somewhere put a little bit of thought into the alien design. People who need this movie to be a masterpiece to go see it have forgotten how to enjoy mindless fun for fun’s sake. I’m glad I’m still enough in touch with my inner child to enjoy big shit blowing up on large screens.

    1. Agreed. It was exactly as stupid as I thought it would be and I was still able to enjoy large destroyers and battleships blowing up alien craft. It’s not trying to be Inception. Sometimes you just need to kick back and enjoy a spectacle. 

    2. Agreed as well, I went in with expectations of eye candy and a bit of fun, nothing more. I enjoyed it very much in that context. Not everything has to be cerebral or art.

  5. I would rage about how Hollywood is out of ideas, the lunacy of making a film out of a board game, etc…but Clue is a fantastic movie.

    I will rant for hours about how Transformers is terrible, based on the merits of its execution. Battleship aspired to be exactly like it, and it sounds like it may have exceeded. Gold star for super-duper terrible!

    1.  The second Transformers was a deconstruction of narrative itself.

      (made no goddamn sense)

    2. Clue had an amazing cast and was written (and directed?) by a member of the original “cambridge circus” — most of whom are now comedy legends today.  (Monty Python, The Goodies, etc etc)

      I think we can claim it was the exception that proves the rule.

      1. Mouse Trap would just be a movie about constructing a giant Rube Goldberg device and setting it off, over and over again.

      1. “Wally, have you ever considered that the act of pegging 2 points, I mean actually lifting the peg out of the hole and placing it in another hole is inherently meaningless but that the recognition that 7 and 8 equals 15 is what makes us truly human?”

  6. I’m really sad that they didn’t translate the title for release in Germany…”Schiffe versenken” would NEVER have attracted anyone to the movie. It’s quite a “Verarsche”. -_-*

  7. I’m absolutely sure that the execs will blame *piracy* on the movie’s failure… not the quality of the product. It’s never the quality of the product. Ever.

  8. Although it must be said, most reviews mention, “Well, it’s better than a TRANSFORMERS movie…”

  9. Guess Who?

    Tagline: Can You Guess Who? It’s a Mystery.

    Premise: A horror-thriller centered on a woman living with “face-blindness” after surviving a serial killer’s attack. As she lives with her condition, one in which facial features change each time she loses sight of them, the killer closes in.

  10. So apparently in the game of Battleship neither side really is fighting the other…space aliens are apparently your foe…

    I thought I had already seen Battleship, I mean Battle LA, no I mean Skyline, err…

    -I still want to see a sequel to Skyline…I mean it was cheesy, but I liked the twist at the end.

  11. ” the possibility of [a sequel] should have every one of you in a cold sweat.”

    Why? Why should I or anyone else be in a cold sweat at the possibility of a crappy sequel to a crappy movie? Ignoring it is so much easier and less stressful. I’m getting tired of this constant invective to be scared of this or terrified of that, when the this’ and the thats in question are, 99.9% of the time, completely trivial. I’ll save my cold sweats for the things that matter.

    1. Agreed, but one can rightfully lament the fact that one $100 million like this (or whatever the ridiculous budget was) could have funded several smaller, better films – but those are riskier investments of course.

  12. I’m gonna pass on this one.  I’m saving my popcorn money for Patton Oswalt’s Rape Stove: The Stove That Rapes People.

  13. 1) it’s going to make like a brazillion dollars; and 
    2)  if the movie wasn’t named in the review snippet, the same text could be applied to every summer movie going back 30 years.  

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