Using old Soviet Union techniques, Ukrainian scientists trained dolphins to attack and kill swimmers using knives and guns strapped to the heads of said dolphins. Like you do. Today, the dolphins escaped. No word on whether they are armed. (Is it just me, or does this sound like the set-up to a cheapo Eastern European "B" horror movie? I'm imagining screaming spring breakers fleeing evil cetaceans. Day of the Dolphin?)

42 Responses to “Soviet killer dolphins on the loose in the Black Sea”

  1. Cynical says:

    Can I just be the first to say:

    “I, for one, welcome our new dolphin overlords.”

    The line has finally disappeared, and real life has become theonion…,284/

  2. ecologist says:

     “with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.”

    Someone had to say it.

  3. Dlo Burns says:

    A couple years back PETA or one of it’s affiliates posted pics of a cyborg dolphin and the the inhumane experimentation the military was conducting; except they were screen caps from Johnny Mnemonic. 

  4. katzenfriedel says:

    “screaming spring breakers”, maybe more like a cheapo american “B” horror movie, ay ?

  5. Reverend Loki says:

    I’m putting the line at 4 weeks until we see this recreated in a SyFy monster-of-the-week movie. 

  6. Rob Wheeler says:

    North Korea has sent its foreign agents on a hunt to acquire these dolphins as the research done on them was years ahead of its own killer dolphin work.

  7. agonist says:

    Even with George C. Scott, the actual Day of the Dolphin movie does not live up to its awesome premise.

  8. Rob says:

    Why do they even need armament? Seems like they could kill humans just by ramming

  9. Fantome_NR says:

    “Is it just me, or does this sound like the set-up to a cheapo Eastern European “B” horror movie?”

    I was thinking more along the lines of a summer blockbuster starring LL Cool J and Jeff Goldblum.

  10. Rich Keller says:

    They’re just navy guys out looking for a good time. We need to send in Irene Dunn and Ann Miller in wetsuits.

  11. Michael says:

    “Ukrainian scientists trained dolphins to attack and kill”

    Yet you describe the dolphins as evil cetaceans. We’re the evil ones. Put the blame where it’s due.

  12. Comman Dax says:

    “So long, and thanks for all the fish!”

  13. toobigtofail says:

    The only thing that stops a bad killer dolphin with knives and guns is a good killer dolphin with knives and guns.

  14. toobigtofail says:

    Like the “OY” tag.

  15. dgoldenberg says:

    I’m pretty sure this is fake, or at least the exact same report (with the same photo) about dolphins escaping from the us military 8 years ago was:

  16. fredh says:

    The question on if they DO kill is: Are they just products of their conditioned training, or have they commited these murders on porpoise?

  17. Knives and guns don’t kill people, dolphins with knives and guns do.

  18. The plot is perfect for a craptastic SyFy Channel  moive.

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      I’m holding out for Stalfin!, in which scientists inject Stalin’s DNA into dolphins and they kill swimmers with five-year plans based on bad data.

  19. Justin Duguay says:

    wow you had to train dolphins do that 

    stereotypical communists

  20. Nonentity says:

    Someone’s really reaching for a way to reboot The A-Team.

  21. Kelly M says:

    It’s not Sunday!

  22. Crashproof says:

    Let’s just hope they don’t team up with the flame-shooting robotic octopi.

  23. howaboutthisdangit says:

    Are these dolphins actually armed, or will they just be headbutting swimmers?

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