Soviet killer dolphins on the loose in the Black Sea

Using old Soviet Union techniques, Ukrainian scientists trained dolphins to attack and kill swimmers using knives and guns strapped to the heads of said dolphins. Like you do. Today, the dolphins escaped. No word on whether they are armed. (Is it just me, or does this sound like the set-up to a cheapo Eastern European "B" horror movie? I'm imagining screaming spring breakers fleeing evil cetaceans. Day of the Dolphin?)


  1. A couple years back PETA or one of it’s affiliates posted pics of a cyborg dolphin and the the inhumane experimentation the military was conducting; except they were screen caps from Johnny Mnemonic. 

  2. “screaming spring breakers”, maybe more like a cheapo american “B” horror movie, ay ?

  3. I’m putting the line at 4 weeks until we see this recreated in a SyFy monster-of-the-week movie. 

  4. North Korea has sent its foreign agents on a hunt to acquire these dolphins as the research done on them was years ahead of its own killer dolphin work.

        1. And sharks don’t even have to stay on the surface to breathe. I’m sure a few good rams to the abdomen would take down the strongest human swimmer in short order.

          1. It isn’t so much that you have to train them to kill, as you have to train them to stop having sex with everything to do so.

  5. “Is it just me, or does this sound like the set-up to a cheapo Eastern European “B” horror movie?”

    I was thinking more along the lines of a summer blockbuster starring LL Cool J and Jeff Goldblum.

  6. They’re just navy guys out looking for a good time. We need to send in Irene Dunn and Ann Miller in wetsuits.

  7. “Ukrainian scientists trained dolphins to attack and kill”

    Yet you describe the dolphins as evil cetaceans. We’re the evil ones. Put the blame where it’s due.

  8. The only thing that stops a bad killer dolphin with knives and guns is a good killer dolphin with knives and guns.

  9. I’m pretty sure this is fake, or at least the exact same report (with the same photo) about dolphins escaping from the us military 8 years ago was:

  10. The question on if they DO kill is: Are they just products of their conditioned training, or have they commited these murders on porpoise?

    1. Obligatory “the only way to stop a dolphin with a knife is another dolphin with a knife” comment.

        1. The fact that I’m unoriginal should make the joke ALL THAT MUCH more stupid.  But I’ll still take the heat for being unaboriginal.

    1. I’m holding out for Stalfin!, in which scientists inject Stalin’s DNA into dolphins and they kill swimmers with five-year plans based on bad data.

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