It's hard to be disturbed by this week's tabloid revelations that Hillary Clinton is dying, Robert Wagner has been arrested for murdering Natalie Wood, and Tom Hanks' marriage is imploding in a $355 million divorce battle, when the 'National Examiner' reveals that a "phantom planet" is heading our way and will "destroy Earth."
You'd think that might be big news, but the end of the world doesn't even merit a mention on the Examiner's own cover, instead devoted to "The Royals Nobody Knows," with the revelation that Prince William and wife Kate will "drag the dusty old royals into the modern world." Not that there will be a world left for the royals to enjoy, if the Examiner's crack scientific reporting team is correct in its analysis of a "new video of a rare blood moon" which supposedly shows that "a rogue planet is hurtling toward a collision with Earth." The 'Examiner' seems unconcerned that the video doesn't show a hidden planet, which doesn't exist in reality and has been widely debunked in all but the most paranoid corners of the interwebs.
It's about as realistic as everything else in this week's tabloids, however, which seem to have given up even attempting a semblance of accuracy.
"Robert Wagner Murder Arrest!" screams the 'Globe' cover, with a photo of the actor in handcuffs. Search hard, and you'll find in tiny print the word: "Dramatization." Search within, and you'll find that Wagner has not even been arrested – that's simply what the 'Globe' believes should happen, as it refuses to stop beating this long-dead horse. There's no new evidence in the case, but the 'Globe' claims investigators have reviewed decades-old evidence and concluded that Wagner had at least one affair – "possibly two" – while married to 'West Side Story' star Wood. If true, that would tell any rational reader that Wagner had cheated on his wife. But to the insightful 'Globe' crime reporters such allegations of infidelity can mean only one thing: he killed his wife. Seems logical.
The 'National Enquirer' doesn't even give Hillary Clinton the benefit of a "dramatization" caption when its cover photo features a disturbing shot of the presidential candidate Photoshopped with dark wrinkled bags beneath both hollowed eyes, deep wrinkles across her jowls and above her lip, and ancient folds of skin carved into her sagging neck. The doctored photo accompanies the 'Enquirer' medical team exposing "Hillary's full medical file," and though they haven't actually got their hands on so much as Hillary's nail file, they've discussed it among themselves and concluded that she suffers pretty much every ailment imaginable: Alzheimer's disease, muscular dystrophy, multiple sclerosis, brain damage, three strokes, alcoholism, liver damage, violent rages and memory loss.
This is the same crack 'Enquirer' medical team that tells us "acting legend Al Pacino has undergone life-or-death cataract surgery" – because every medical reporter knows that cataracts left untreated can lead to blindness, which as we all know is a fatal condition.
The most bizarre story of the week is the 'Enquirer' "world exclusive" interview with John Mark Carr, secreted away in Thailand, who claims that he witnessed the death of child beauty pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey in 1996, and helped move her body and "stage" the murder scene that police subsequently found. But Carr "refused to name the killer … or be more specific about the 'accident." Even the 'Enquirer' is at a loss to explain why Carr "oddly" insisted that DNA evidence found by police at the murder scene "has absolutely no connection to that little girl's death." It's a story lacking all credibility, but that never troubles the 'Enquirer.'
Tom Hanks's alleged impending divorce has been a 'Globe' obsession for months, but nobody seems to have told Hanks, who tells 'Us' magazine that he's the biggest supporter of wife Rita Wilson's singing career, insisting: "I'm the biggest groupie."
'Us' mag devotes its cover to the heartbreaking news that Taylor Swift and actor Tom Hiddleston have called it quits after a three-month fling which seemed designed to titilate tabloid editors while annoying the heck out of the rest of the world.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Olivia Culpo (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, rapper Trina carries lip gloss and lollipops in her Chanel satchel, Harry Connick Jr. "once ate 19 Krispy Kreme doughnuts in one sitting," and that the stars are just like us: they go shopping, wear hats, play with their dogs and pump their own gas.
'People' magazine devotes its cover to 'Bridget Jones's Baby' actor Patrick Dempsey revealing how he saved his marriage and found new joy in fatherhood. Why did Dempsey walk out on his wife of 22 years in January 2015? "I became frustrated with the lack of quality of experience in my life," he explains. "I wanted to get to that deeper level, and not just skirt the surface." I hope Mrs. Dempsey had a better time understanding that than I did.
News hounds can rejoice that this week 'People' mag gives us its 2016 "Style Issue!' devoting 30 vacuous pages to celebrity fashions. This fall's top fashion tip: fill your closet with leopard prints and velvet. Will do!
There are always gems to be found among the advertisements run in the tabloids, and amid this week's ads for miracle anti-wrinkle pills, "love bug" pendants for "your special granddaughter," Thomas Kinkade's frosted glass snowman, a Snoopy porcelain music box, nail fungus therapy and a Star Trek 50th anniversary glass sculpture, there's the impossible-to-resist 12-inch "Mother Teresa Canonization Collector's Edition" statuette complete with tiny crucifix, rosary, and her trademark blue-trimmed white sari. Best of all, it comes with a "free rosary for personal use," all for only "five easy payments of $25.99 each." Or you could just send the money to starving children in India.
Onwards and downwards . . .
