Hollywood stars too fat and too thin, and the Royal reality TV show, in this week's dubious tabloids.

If the British Royal Family is a reality TV show, the tabloids are their unseen scriptwriters.

Just like the cast in an episode of 'The Bachelorette,' the leading palace players engage in some minor insignificant event and the tabloids whip it up into a catastrophe.

The only thing that's missing is Chris Harrison promising that it's "the most shocking and dramatic seasons in Tabloid Nation history."

Take this week's 'National Enquirer' cover: "Queen Disowns Harry & Meghan! You're both dead to us."

The Queen has announced she won't be attending the christening of Harry and Meghan's baby Archie in July because of a prior engagement. To the 'Enquirer' this is "a shocking slap in the face to the diva duchess!" But the Queen didn't turn up for the last Royal christening of supposedly favored grandson and heir Prince William and Duchess Kate's son Louis in July 2018. And with such an extended family, it's next to impossible to find a date that works for everyone, so Harry and Meghan will have to make do with Archie's grandfather Prince Charles and his wife Camilla, Prince William and Kate attending the christening. If there truly was a Royal rift, surely they would all be boycotting the event. Instead, the tabloids will doubtless spin it like 'The Bachelor' after a row among the contestants: everyone sitting around in silence, staring awkwardly at the furniture.

"Harry Scolds Diva Meghan!" screams the 'Globe,' after lip-readers spotted Prince Harry telling Duchess Meghan: "Turn around, now," when she twice snatched glances at him instead of facing front amid a gathering of Royals on the Buckingham Palace balcony while the Queen's theme tune, the National Anthem, played earlier this month during the annual Trooping of the Colors.

It's a minor indiscretion for a newcomer to the Royal Family who is still learning the ropes, but in the tabloid world, as in Bachelor Nation, there are no small glitches – every tiny mis-step is a social disaster. Meghan "publicly disrespects queen," writes the 'Globe,' condemning her "ghastly fumbles," and calling Harry's response a "shocking rebuke."

Piling on, another 'Globe' story reports the Queen's husband Prince Philip's alleged advice to a young Prince Harry: "Actresses Not Royal Marriage Material!" And yet another 'Globe' story claims that Harry had a crush on America's TV queen Jennifer Aniston a decade ago, eyeing her as "princess material." Because a 24-year-old Royal prince could envision a future with a 40-year-old actress he'd never met? Right.

The 'Enquirer' claims that Meghan's balcony volte-face left her "tearful" – an insight lost to the millions who watched the event and saw no such emotional reaction – and that the "troubled" Harry and Meghan "are heading into therapy, just a year into their tumultuous marriage!" Because that's what the tabloids Royal scriptwriters would love.

'Us' magazine touts the "Royal Charity Rift – What Really Happened." As Royal Nation devotees know, Princes William and Harry co-founded the Royal Foundation in 2009, and on June 20 announced that Harry was breaking away to form his own charity. It's been played up as further evidence of a Royal rift between the brothers and their wives, coming on the heels of Harry and Meghan moving out of the Kensington Palace quarters they shared with William and Kate. So – what really happened? "There isn't a 'disagreement or rift' between the royal ladies," reports 'Us.' Oh. Then why headline it a "Royal Charity Rift"? Meghan reportedly wanted to be "more involved . . . in the trenches" while Kate wanted to be "more hands off." Well, that sounds like a claws-bared, no-holds-barred Royal cat fight to any tabloid reporter worth their salt.
'People' mag takes the 'Bachelor' route of viewing all women as clothes horses, with its photo of Duchess Kate "in Elie Saab" blue dress at the Royal Ascot races, in a picture in which she is pointedly laughing like a horse under the headline "Off To The Races." Subtle. As for 'People' calling her "Princess Kate," she is technically Princess William of Wales, and also Duchess Kate – but not Princess Kate. Or perhaps the mag should simply revert to standard 'Bachelor' nomenclature to distinguish the Royal contestants: Duchess K and Duchess M. Which one will get the rose?

The tabloids also go slumming with tarnished Hollywood royalty this week.

"Pam Anderson Pregnant at 52!" screams the 'Enquirer,' showing a photo of the former 'Baywatch' beauty "prancing around with what sources said is a budding baby bump!" Or it could be a loose-fitting shirt. And what are the odds that their "sources" amount to the photographer who snapped the picture and the 'Enquirer' photo editor?

Celebrities are always too fat or too thin for tabloid sensibilities.

Celine Dion is "skin-&-bones" according to the 'Enquirer,' whose guess-your-weight experts conclude "she weighs no more than 103 pounds!" Not 102 pounds. Not 104 pounds. Their weight analysis experts are that good. Meanwhile the same weight watchers concluded that singer Rihanna "looks like she's put on 40 pounds," which puts her "at risk of at least 65 different serious illnesses – including cancer!" Because gaining weight will kill you, if reading the tabloids doesn't kill you first.

I feel sorry for new mom Kate Hudson, pictured sitting on a paddle-board looking slim and lean, beneath the headline: "I'm Curvy – So What!" The 'Enquirer' reports that she "had some extra rolls around her belly," despite the photo proving that she has no such thing. Who are you going to believe: the 'Enquirer' report or the evidence of your own eyes? Clearly, photos can lie.

If Rihanna is risking life and limb with just a few barely-discernible extra pounds, what hope is there for TV's 'Cheers' star George Wendt, who according to the 'Globe' is "Too Fat To Walk! Now 457 lbs." Evidently the 'Globe' also has its own team of expert weight analysts, who reveal that the former TV star is no longer ambulatory. They reach this conclusion after seeing him being driven on an industrial cart around the massive Pennsylvania Convention Center in Philadelphia. The fact that Wendt, who played Norm Peterson in the veteran sitcom, then walked onto a stage unaided, is apparently a detail that can be safely ignored when reporting that he is "too fat to walk!"

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Olivia Wilde wore it best (through she only beat out Chloe Grace Moretz by 51 to 49), that Nancy Grace "was the captain of my high school cheerleading team," that TV's 'Holey Moley' star Jeannie Mai carries hair extensions, vitamin D and a "bookmark with glued-on macaroni" she made in 4th grade in her pink Away carryall bag, and that the stars are just like us: they drink, eat, and – though you'll find this hard to believe – tie their own laces. Shocking.

Onwards and downwards . . .