There’s a baby boom exploding in Hollywood - but don’t expect to see any of the infants, which exist only in tabloid imaginings.
“Miley Cyrus and girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter are “Making a Baby!” proclaims the ‘National Enquirer’ under the proud banner “First To Know.” If only the ‘Enquirer’ knew that Cyrus and Carter broke up two weeks ago.
“Wondering Who’s Behind Jen Garner Mystery Bump!" reports the ‘Enquirer’ beside a photo of actress Jennifer Garner with what “looks like a growing belly.” Or it could be a baggy sweatshirt.
“Cameron Diaz Miracle Pregnancy at 47!” claims the ‘Enquirer,’ which appears to have bulk-bought a crate of cheap pregnancy test kits, all of which read positive. Diaz isn’t even showing a ‘baby bump,’ but is photographed wearing a baggy dress with a hand placed across her belly, and if that’s not proof of pregnancy I don’t know what is. Of course, in May OK! Australia magazine reported that she was expecting “twin girls,", so Diaz is doing a great acting job of hiding what must be at least a six month pregnancy.
‘Globe’ magazine jumps on the baby bandwagon, claiming that Prince Harry & Meghan’s “Baby Archie Goes to Pot!" No, the newborn isn’t smoking weed (yet) but has had a brand of marijuana named after him by his loving cousin Tyler Dooley. Nothing exploitative in that, I’m sure.
On George and Amal Clooney’s approaching fifth wedding anniversary, the ‘Enquirer’ reports: “Clooneys Already Renewing Vows!” Could this be the the same George & Amal Clooney who were in the midst of a bitter “$500 Million Divorce Bombshell” according to the ‘Enquirer’ in June? The same couple who were reportedly “dating other people”? The couple who supposedly split earlier this year after “George Takes the Twins”? You betcha. Never a dull moment in the Clooney household, if you believe the tabloids.
The ‘Enquirer’ dips its toes into real news waters with its story “VA Hospital Horror - War Hero Eaten By Ants.”
The headline conjures up the image of a massed army of carnivorous insects devouring a hospital patient to the bone, but the reality is very different.
Terrible though it is that retired Air Force vet Joel Marrable died in a VA hospital after suffering multiple insect bites, and that nine VA officials have been reassigned pending investigation of the infestation, there’s no suggestion that the bites contributed to his death. He was bitten, but not exactly “eaten by ants.”
“Bill Clinton - Months to Live! “ screams the ‘Globe’ cover. "Ravaged by Parkinson’s and a failing heart! Wasting away & losing his memory!”
Tabloid reporters trained by years of working at Guess Your Weight booths at fun-fair midways have determined with scientific accuracy that the former president now weighs 137 lbs, down from 265 lbs in 2013.
This is the same Bill Clinton who was given just “7 months to live” by ‘Globe' magazine in January 2017, when it diagnosed his “cancer nightmare.” It’s the same Bill Clinton who was given only “six months to live” by the ‘Globe’ in 2010, which reported on his soon-to-be fatal Parkinson’s Disease.
After decades complaining about Clinton’s unhealthy penchant for fat-rich fast food, it seems churlish of the ‘Globe’ to criticize him for slimming down. He’s now a “walking skeleton,” unnamed sources tell the ‘Globe,’ though its photograph of Clinton “now” shows him looking fit and healthy, even with a hint of a belly bulging above his belt - hardly wasting away, whatever his medical condition, which has “friends fearing the former president is dying!” Because that’s what friends are for.
Prince Andrew’s ill-advised friendship with the late pedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein is once again targeted by the ‘Globe,’ with its story of his alleged failed hook-up with rock ’n’ roll royalty: “Courtney Love Gave Andy The Brush-Off!”
It’s a story lifted from a report in British tabloid 'The Sun,’ but it’s a tale that Courtney Love has flatly denied, saying that she never knew Jeffrey Epstein, that he didn’t introduce her to Prince Andrew, and that while Andrew once came round to her home for tea with a group of friends, he was not “looking for a good time.” At least they spelled her name right.
‘Us’ magazine’s cover brings us the Brad Pitt love story we’ve all been waiting for: “Meet the woman who saved Brad! 'Yes, I’m In Love Again!’ Brad Pitt falls in love with the girl next door.”
The ex-husband of Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie is reportedly romancing shamanic American Sikh holistic healer Sat Hari Khalsa - your typical ”girl next door” the magazine suggests - with whom he was first linked in September 2018.
Of course, for much of the past year the tabloids have been linking Pitt romantically to actress Charlize Theron, so have they been lying to us all this time?
‘Us’ now claims that Pitt and Theron “pumped the brakes” on their romance about three months ago. Then again, “another source says things never got romantic between the two.” Which means that ‘Us’ simply has no idea what’s being going on in Pitt’s love life - then, or now.
“Things aren’t too heavy or serious with Khalsa,” the mag reports: a quote that clearly refutes the entire premise of the cover story about Pitt being in love. Which makes one wonder: where did they get the cover quote from Pitt: “Yes, I’m in love again!” Who knows? It doesn’t appear anywhere in the story, which actually doesn’t include a single direct quote from the actor.
‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to actress Felicity Huffman, sentenced to 14 days behind bars for her role in the college cheating scandal, and “Facing Her Fate.” She is reportedly preparing for prison and focused on holding her family together. “They are talking a lot and spending lots of time together,” says an unnamed source, stating the obvious. It’s a textbook example of how to fill five pages when there’s nothing to say.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ mag to tell us that Celine Dion wore it best, that ‘Dateline’ correspondent Keith Morrison drinks “far too much diet cola,” that singer-actress AJ Michalka carries hand sanitizer, lip balm and a paper fan in her Heimat Atlantica bag, and that the stars are just like us: they walk the dog, take the train, and grocery shop - and paparazzi follow them every step of the way, to their undoubted delight.
Most shocking revelation of the week comes courtesy of the ‘Globe,’ which cruelly outs yet another Hollywood star without their consent: “J.Lo’s In Love With a Cross-Dressing Dog!” The seven-year-old chihuahua named “Mr. Bruce” in J. Lo’s latest movie ‘Hustlers’ “has a shocking secret,” reports the ‘Globe.’ “He’s a she!”
Oh, the horror.
Onwards and downwards . . .