“Shocking charge blows lid off 22-year cover-up” screams the cover of this week’s National Enquirer. “Diana’s Killer Found!”
It’s the same Parisian bodybuilder Le Van Thanh who was found in 2007, and has been “found" pretty much every year since.
The same Le Van Thanh whose photograph graced the cover of the ‘Enquirer’ in January 21 this year under the headline: “This Man Killed Diana In Paris Tunnel!”
Okay, we get it. Van Thanh is the guy whose white Fiat Uno purportedly clipped Princess Diana’s limousine before her fatal crash in 1997.
“Hulk who hit Princess’ Limo Finally found!” declares a headline inside that must be wearily familiar to Van Thanh. “Diana’s Blood Is On His Hands!”
Authors of a new book tracked down Van Thanh, as many others have before, who as the ‘Enquirer’ cover reports, “breaks his silence.”
Van Thanh confessed: “I was driving the Uno and Diana’s car smashed into me.”
A great quote. But wait - you’ll find that identical quote in the ‘Enquirer’ dated January 21, 2019.
Plus ça change, plus c’est la même, as they say under the Pont de l’Alma.
In other recycled Royal news, the ‘Globe’ cover revisits the billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein scandal, promising: “Prince Andrew Teen Slave Tells All! Shocking reason Scotland Yard won’t charge him!”
Self-described sex slave Victoria Roberts Giuffre claims that sex with the Prince who “sweats like a pig, sucks toes and is a lousy lover” was “the longest ten minutes of my life.” This all comes from court papers that were made public on August 9. The ‘Globe’ is almost two months late, but welcome to the party. And the shocking reason why Scotland Yard isn’t prosecuting the Prince for his alleged sex with a minor? Giuffre was 17 at the time of the alleged tryst in London, where the legal age of consent is 16. So no crime. Shocking, indeed, if you are completely ignorant of British law.
The ‘Enquirer’ keeps the Epstein scandal pot bubbling with its “exclusive” story “Pedophile Epstein Was Blackmailing Spy!” Despite the headline, Epstein was not blackmailing any spies. Rather, the story contends that “Epstein was a secret spy who lured fat cats into sleazy sexual encounters - and then blackmailed them into doing the bidding of foreign intelligence agencies!”
If that sounds far-fetched, consider the source: it’s the “bombshell claim” of John Mark Dougan, who the ‘Enquirer’ describe as “a former US Marine and deputy sheriff in Florida’s Palm Beach County.” The ‘Enquirer’ forgets to mention that Dougan fled to Moscow claiming political asylum because he was being pursued by the FBI for alleged hacking offenses.
Before he escaped the US in 2016 Dougan claims to have made copies of “hundreds of confidential files, which contain smoking-gun proof of Epstein’s crimes and co-conspirators.” But of course, he’s not sharing any of those with the ‘Enquirer,’ because that would be real news and would undermine the rag’s hard-won reputation.
Facts are in equally short supply in the ‘Enquirer’ two-page spread on Angelina Jolie: “Angelina Takes The Prize As Hollywood’s Most Hated!”
Based on zero empirical evidence, and not even an unscientific poll of Hollywood executives or actors, but simply on an amalgamation of regurgitated old news stories, the ‘Enquirer’ reports “how she turned the town against her.” As for Jolie taking the prize - there’s no trophy. Not even a plaque or a lousy paper certificate. I hope she sues for the trophy.
Actress Mila Kunis “Goes Blonde To Save Marriage!” reports the ‘Globe.’ Because that’s all that’s needed to completely transform one’s inter-personal relations. It’s what every marriage therapist recommends, right?
The weight-shaming police are out in force again in this week’s tabloids. Celine Dion is 97 lbs, “scarily thin and barely eats,” claims the ‘Globe,’ while the ‘Enquirer’ alleges that Miley Cyrus is “Wasting Away” at 99 lbs. The ‘Enquirer’ also claims that Josh Brolin is “paunchy,” but declares that Jessica Simpson “Goes From Fat To Fab!” Having a baby is certainly a time-tested method of losing weight.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Olivia Wilde wore it best (which sucks for fashion stylist Rachel Zoe), that tennis ace Maria Sharapova’s ”least favorite color is purple,” that actress Chloe Bennet carries rubber dinosaurs and a rose quartz in her Proenza Schouler bag, and that the stars are just like us: they eat doughnuts, sip iced coffee, and eat at cafés. Thrilling, as ever.
Misleading headline of the week is the ‘Globe’ story about rocker Lenny Kravitz: “Why Lenny’s Not A Shady Guy Anymore!” He reportedly lost his sunglasses.
Onwards and downwards . . .