An Epstein tell-all, a vengeful Queen wannabe, and Harry & Meghan’s final insult, in this week’s dubious tabloids

There’s often a logical disconnect between stories and the world they purport to represent in the tabloids, and this week’s offerings are no exception.

Billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s former girlfriend Ghislaine Maxwell experiences that in the ‘National Enquirer,’ under the headline: “Epstein Lover Peddling Perv’s Kinky Secrets. Ghislaine Maxwell Could Score $4m!”

That’s a high price to command, even if Maxwell was willing to reveal salacious details of Prince Andrew’s alleged liaisons with Epstein’s under-age sex slaves.

But the story makes it clear that Maxwell is not trying to sell her story. There’s only a "London high-society pal” speculating: "If someone offered her three to four million they might get a book deal.”

Further undermining the story’s logic, a “longtime acquaintance” of Maxwelll - not even close enough to be called a “friend," “pal” or “insider" - claims: “Ghislaine would never sell out Prince Andrew. Those two have a mutual protection pact.” But if Maxwell won’t talk about Prince Andrew, then there’s no way she’s commanding anything close to $4 million for a kiss ’n’ tell. And so the story’s logic breaks down.

Prince Charles’ wife’s alleged animosity toward disgraced and discarded ex-Royal Duchess Sarah is addressed by the ‘Globe’ in its logic-challenged story: “Cunning Camilla Vows Hell For Fergie! Fears grow of no-holds-barred spat at Princess Bea’s wedding!”

Branding Camilla a “revenge-bent . . . Queen wannabe,” the tabloid claims that she has allegedly urged the Queen to ban Duchess Sarah - Fergie, to her friends - from using her Royal title to “market a line of soaps, home decor, jam, biscuits and other items under the Duchess Inc. brand.”

But as Camilla and any Royal watcher knows, Sarah was long ago stripped of her Royal Highness title and is now known simply as Sarah, Duchess of York - the same Duchess who over the years has served as a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers and Wedgwood china, flogged her signature food blender, writes children’s books and this month signed a deal for another seven titles. The time to stop Fergie cashing in on her Royal title passed years ago.

Why would Camilla be the one urging the Queen to halt this exploitation? Only because “evil Camilla” is the tabloids’ wicked step-mother in their Grimm world-view.

Even f this story was true, why would it provoke a “no-holds barred spat at Princess Bea’s wedding”? Are Camilla and Sarah going to be clawing at each other’s hair as Princess Beatrice walks down the aisle in May? Don’t hold your breath.

It’s said that photos never lie, but they can be untrustworthy little bastards, and the stories accompanying them don’t always tell the truth..

“Hubby furious!” declares the ‘Enquirer.’ "Julia Roberts Caught Kissing Another Guy!”

Two details worth noting here: Firstly, Roberts kissed a friend goodbye on the cheek in what was clearly not a romantic farewell; and secondly, her husband Danny Moder was standing right there at the time.

So she wasn’t exactly “caught” kissing.

It was clearly an innocent farewell between friends, though the ‘Enquirer’ calls it “another blow to [their] rocky marriage.”

Even the ‘Enquirer’ knows that it has stretched credulity to its limits here, adding a “source close to the couple” saying: “It may have been innocent.” You think?

More egregious is the ‘Globe’ cover story about the recently deceased ‘Wild, Wild West’ star: “Robert Conrad Drank Himself Into Grave. Final Bender!”

Conrad, who in recent years has struggled to walk unaided, is pictured on the cover being helped into a vehicle by a care-giver, but the ‘Globe’ makes it appear that he was too drunk to stand by himself, assassinating Conrad’s character by claiming he “refused to quit booze after crippling DUI crash.”

As for those “final bender” photos - they were snapped in 2017.

‘Us’ magazine continues its bait-and-switch tradition of running eye-catching cover headlines that are never addressed inside the magazine.

“Meghan & Harry - The Final Insult,” screams the cover. "Why They’ll Never Go Back.”

What was the “final insult”? Hard to tell, reading ‘Us’ mag. Was it Harry & Meghan supposedly insulting the Queen by rejecting her invitation to Prince Andrew’s 60th birthday party? Harry rejecting Prince William’s phone calls? Or Harry & Meghan insulting Britain by firing their 15 staff members at Buckingham Palace, signaling a prolonged departure from British shores? We’ll never know, because the story doesn’t bother explaining.

Why they will “never go back”? It’s never addressed or explained.

But there’s no lack of uninspired guesswork about what the future holds for the renegade Royal couple.

“They’re in touch with a number of L.A. power players and are looking forward to hosting dinner parties with the likes of George and Amal Clooney and big-time movie producer Jeffrey Katzenberg,” says an unnamed insider, clearly lacking the imagination to think beyond Harry & Meghan’s few celebrity friends.

“Harry’s even looking for an agent,” says the source, adding helpfully: “He doesn’t want to become an actor, but he’d love to make documentaries and things like that.”

Things like that. Heaven help us.

The ‘Enquirer’ cover boast an “Exclusive!” above the headline: “$100 Billion Mormon Charity Scandal Exposed!” Which would have been a decent exclusive if they had run it two months ago, when the story first appeared in every other publication. A former accountant for the Church of Latter Day Saints has complained to the IRS claiming that the fast-growing religion’s leaders stockpiled $100 billion and “didn’t spend a dime of it doing good deeds.”

For the ‘Enquirer,’ this translates to: “What Church’s Biggest Stars Didn’t Know,” which at this point is very little, since they would have read about it back in December.

Coronavirus gets the front-page treatment in the ‘Enquirer,’ which reveals: “China created killer virus to destroy America!” According to the rag, “that’s the world from intelligence sources.” Right.

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton is quoted in the ‘Enquirer’ claiming that “China lied about virus starting in Wuhan food market,” adding: “Super-lab is just a few miles from that market,” referring to an alleged secret research lab in Wuhan.

“The Chinese regime remains intent on waging a bio war on the West,” the ‘Enquirer’ claims, perhaps because scaremongering sells papers.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Lily James wore it best, that actress Maggie Q is “obsessed with donkeys” (aren’t we all?) though “Otters make me scream with joy,” that actress Jerrika Hinton carries gum, plum blossom incense and a pocketknife (perhaps in case of attack by donkeys and otters?) in her tote bag, and that the stars are just like us: they ride bicycles, walk the dog and go to the post office.

This week’s breaking news award goes to the ‘Globe’ for its story about ‘Home Alone’ child star Macaulay Culkin and alleged pop pedophile Michael Jackson: “Jacko Never Touched Me!”

Considering that’s precisely what Culkin said under oath in court during Jackson’s child molestation trial in 2005, this counts as a fresh revelation in the ‘Globe,’ only coming 15 years after Culkin first said it.

Onwards and downwards . . .