"Coronavirus Cures Finally Found!" screams this week's 'National Enquirer' cover, which might be confusing to anyone who read last week's 'Enquirer' claim: "We've found a cure!"
But unlike last week's "cure" (an untested vaccine in development, unproven to work and at least a year from production) this week the mag offers readers a "miracle pill and kitchen treatments that work!"
That's right – you can cure coronavirus with just a few simple ingredients you'll find in your fridge.
"The right foods and vitamins can help attack the virus, some doctors say," reports the expert medical team at the 'Enquirer.'
To cure the virus simply "eat lots of fruit, vegetables, whole grains, beans and nuts, which enhance your immunity." Foods high in zinc – meat, shellfish, legumes, seeds and nuts – are "highly recommended." And "herbal tea" is reportedly "a deterrent for the virus."
Presumably the virus comes along, sees you sipping chamomile tea, thinks to itself: "Jesus, that smells awful," and goes off to infect somebody else.
By all means boost your immunity any way you can, but don't expect it to be a "cure" for COVID-19, and even the 'Enquirer' concedes "there is no vaccine for the coronavirus and . . . no known cure."
As for the rag's vaunted cure with a "miracle pill"? That would be a zinc tablet, proven to help combat previous known coronaviruses, but its effects on the novel coronavirus are as yet unknown.
The report concludes: "We can't kill the virus, but we can make your immunity stronger."
Maybe try throwing a legume at the coronavirus when you see it approach. That might work too.
"Coronavirus Is Killing The Pope!" claims the cover of the 'Globe.' " Francis, 83, needs MIRACLE to survive!"
Then again, 'Globe' reporters admit that they have no idea whether the pontiff is COVID-19-positive or not. The Pope simply cancelled some public services and has admitted to having a cold – allowing the 'Globe' team of psychically-trained medical experts to report on the "shocking fear" that the Pope has coronavirus.
Italy has certainly been hit hard by the coronavirus, so naturally "alarm bells clanged when the pope was seen coughing." No doubt tabloid thoughts and prayers are with the Holy Father.
The Royal soap opera continues with Prince Harry and Meghan in their final episodes on the long-running hit show before leaving to star in their own spin-off series: 'Harry & Meghan: SVU' (Self-Victimized Unit).
In this week's episode the Queen is doing a lot of begging and pleading behind closed doors, speaking confidentially to Harry and Meghan while only inviting reporters from the 'Enquirer' and 'Us' magazine to sit in on the conversation.
At least we now know what Her Majesty and Prince Harry discussed in last week's four-hour heart-to-heart chat: "Queen begs Harry: Divorce Meghan & Save Our Family," reveals the 'Enquirer.'
Why would anyone, least of all the Queen, think that losing the sixth in line to the throne – soon to be eclipsed by King Charles III and eventually by King William V and his brood of heirs – would destroy the Royal Family is beyond comprehension. It's certainly bad PR optics to see any defections from The Firm, but we've seen 'Dynasty' successfully spin off 'The Colbys,' 'The Cosby Show' spin off 'A Different World,' and 'Breaking Bad' spin off 'Better Call Saul,' so 'Harry & Meghan: SVU' stands at least a decent chance in the ratings.
In the 'Enquirer' version of events, the Queen is gunning for Meghan: "She told Harry dumping his American bride was the only way to save the royal family – and himself!" The Queen believes Meghan is using her "royal connections to become queen of Hollywood." Certainly sounds like something the Queen would say, if her script was being penned by the writers' room from 'Days Of Our Lives.'
In true Rashomon style, 'Us' mag offers a different version of events inside the same palace room: "Queen "Begs Harry: 'Please Don't Go!'
The mag's cover promises to reveal "Harry's regrets & cruel snub to William. 'Selfish' Meghan's latest act of betrayal."
Alas, like TV's 'The Batchelor' always fails to live up to its promise of "the most dramatic season ending ever," 'Us' fails to deliver the goods.
Harry's regrets? "Harry misses his brother and Kate." Could that be any more anti-climactic?
Harry's "cruel snub" to William? There was "a lot of distance" between the brothers at a recent Commonwealth Service. But the mag reports that "Harry flashed a warm smile" while "William offered a quick head nod, then he and his wife turned their backs on Harry and Meghan." Which sounds more like William snubbing Harry, despite what the scriptwriters intended.
As for Meghan's "latest act of betrayal"? She dared to post Instagram photos of her visit to London's National Theatre on the same day that Prince Charles' wife, the Duchess of Cornwall, gave a speech about domestic violence, stealing Camilla's thunder. Not the most politic behavior, perhaps, but hardly a betrayal on the level of shooting J.R., though you wouldn't know it from reading 'Us' magazine.
The 'Globe' devotes its main cover story to the renegade Royals: "Unwanted & Unwelcome – Harry & Meghan Shunned!"
But no, it's not a repeat of past stories claiming that the Royal duo have been "exiled" and "banished" from the U.K.
This week the Royal couple are "West Coast Pariahs," supposedly unwanted in Vancouver and Hollywood.
Yet far from being shunned by locals on Vancouver Island where they have been living in Canada in recent weeks, Harry and Meghan have been embraced by residents who have fiercely protected their privacy and respected their desire not to be hassled. A recent poll reported that a majority of Canadians don't want to pay the couple's hefty security bill, which could be as much as $25 million a year – but that's not quite the same as shunning them. One might be quite happy to have a nice dinner out with Harry and Meghan, but that doesn't mean you want to pick up the bill.
And in Hollywood Meghan is allegedly "stirring resentment . . . by scheming to become the highest-paid actress in the world."
What actress wouldn't dream of becoming the planet's highest-paid star? If that spurred resentment in Hollywood nobody there would be speaking to anyone else.
What's more, after a career that rose by the age of 35 to the modest backwater of cable TV legal drama 'Suits,' Meghan is probably the last person to imagine that at the advanced age of 38 she's likely to become a leading lady commanding "$38 million" for every role, let alone becoming "a Tinseltown superhero" in a blockbuster action adventure movie. Don't hold your breath waiting to see Meghan replace Gal Gadot as the next Wonder Woman.
The 'Globe' team of medical experts bring us a strangely true story, yet still manages to get it wrong under the headline: "No-Booze Gal Pees Pints of Alcohol!"
Physicians at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center diagnosed a diabetic patient with high glucose levels and a yeast infection in her bladder as the world's first recognized sufferer of urinary auto-brewery syndrome – she brewed alcohol in her bladder.
The unnamed patient was repeatedly denied a liver transplant because doctors thought she wouldn't quit drinking after finding traces of ethanol in her urine, despite her protestations that she didn't consume alcohol.
Tests showed that the high sugar and yeast content in her bladder was fermenting alcohol – but it's not as if her urine was pure ethanol, and so she wasn't peeing pints of booze despite the report's wishful thinking.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Selena Gomez wore it best, that Sarah Michelle Gellar describes herself as "empathetic and kind," that actress Britt Robertson carries sunglasses, keys and cleansing wipes in her Jo Ann Page Leather backpack, and that the stars are just like us: they haul their luggage, walk their dogs, and take public transportation. Thrilling, as ever.
As usual, the week's strangest tabloid story is a rarity, in that it's apparently true.
The 'Globe' reports that nine-year-old Brianna Smith of Lockport, Illinois, has been kept awake at night by voices emanating from her bedroom walls.
It turns out that the girl's home acts as a giant receiver for the local Christian radio station AM 1160.
The station sent out an engineer who ripped apart the wall but couldn't find the wiring and metal serving as an impromptu speaker, and the noises continue.
But what is the world coming to when a Christian radio station won't claim that the sound of evangelists preaching gospel in a bedroom wall isn't an Act of God?
The family has been advised to hire an expert broadcast engineer to resolve the problem. That's just the sort of thinking that's putting perfectly good exorcists out of business.
Onwards and downwards . . .