"I'm Never Going Back!" screams the 'National Enquirer' cover. "Bitter Harry Breaks With William Forever!" Didn't happen.
The Royal confrontation between the two princes allegedly exploded when Harry refused to return to Britain for the Queen's 94th birthday on April 21.
But the story makes no sense, as the Queen spent her birthday in isolation with Prince Philip sequestered from the rest of her family. Harry wouldn't have seen her even if he was in the UK, and nobody expected him to fly home for the occasion amid a global pandemic.
There was no screaming row between the brothers, and on her birthday the Queen happily chatted with Harry on Zoom, which was as close as anyone got to Her Majesty.
"George & Amal – $500m Divorce Nightmare!" proclaims the 'Globe' cover. Didn't happen.
The Clooneys have not filed for divorce. They aren't even living apart.
So where does their "divorce nightmare" come from? The imagination of fearful friends, AKA desperate tabloid reporters.
George and Amal are allegedly "so much at each other's throats during the coronavirus lockdown that pals fear the simmering bad blood will boil over into a $500 million divorce!"
Because that's what friends are for: to fear the worst and run to the nearest tabloid.
George and Amal are reportedly confined in their "luxury Tinseltown mansion" which must be awful for the poor dears. Helpfully, the story concludes: "Ultimately, neither of them wants a divorce . . . " Well, there's a surprise.
"Beyoncé Caught in DUI Horror!" reports the 'Enquirer.' Didn't happen.
She wasn't arrested drinking or driving. Not even jaywalking.
In a stretch worthy of the incredibly elastic superhero Mister Fantastic, the 'Enquirer' reports that Beyoncé's father's ex-girlfriend was allegedly arrested for DUI with her nine-year-old daughter – claimed by her mother to be Beyoncé's half-sister – in the car.
As for Beyoncé, she's not caught in this "horror" or anywhere near it.
"Gnarly!" reports the 'Globe' about Prince Harry. "It's Surfer Dude Harry!" Didn't happen.
Despite Harry being pictured on a beach wearing a wetsuit and carrying a surfboard under his arm, the story makes clear he's never been surfing, even though they don't even bother with a small-print caption admitting it's a mocked-up photo collage.
"Prince Harry is shelling out bucks to learn how to be an authentic California beach bum!" says the report. This despite the fact that Harry is pandemic house-bound except for the rare excursion for charity work, the fact that California's beaches are closed, and the very real possibility that ocean water may be hazardous to surfers' health as city run-off could harbor coronavirus.
"Much of his spare time will be spent surfing and soaking up the sun on the beach," claims an unnamed insider. Sure.
In yet another Royal story, the 'Globe' reports: "Prince Andrew Begs Feds For No-Prison Plea Deal! . . . Quakes as feds squeeze him to squeal about Epstein pals." This is a follow-up on last week's dubious claim that Andrew has been indicted by a secret grand jury, though the 'Globe' still can't figure out what charges he's indicted on in relation to billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Could it be sex trafficking? Statutory rape? Congenital stupidity? The rag isn't saying, because they haven't thought that far ahead.
The 'Globe' 'claims that the beleaguered Royal "is begging prosecutors for a no-prison plea deal in exchange for spilling his guts." Simply didn't happen.
As coronavirus has shut down film and TV production, called a halt to red carpet premieres and keeps most stars at home, the tabloids are reduced to weaving stories from the thinnest of thread.
What's a tabloid to do when the only celebrity photos you consistently get week after week are of Ben Affleck walking with his new love, actress Ana de Armas?
"Ana Fears Bad Marks From Ben's Mom!" claims the 'Enquirer.'
It's clearly an act of desperation and a cry for help when the 'Enquirer' writes: "If she wants to stick around she'll need to impress . . . his mom!" Right.
What to do when there's no celebrity news around? Dig deep into the bottom drawer and pull out a story that didn't make the grade four years ago, and hope nobody notices.
"Moonwalker Michael's Feet Were Rotted Mess!" reports the 'Enquirer,' quoting Michael Jackson's disgraced former physician Dr. Conrad Murray on the state of the gloved one's fungally-challenged pedal extremities, as explained in his book 'This Is It.'
They even have the audacity to label the story an "Enquirer Exclusive," which is pretty rich for a story lifted from a book published in July 2016. What could be more exclusive than that?
Of course, you can't have a week in the tabloids without mentioning that trio of exes Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Brad's apparently so bad with money that it has Angelina worried; but Brad's so good with money that Jen is begging for his financial advice, according to this week's warring tabloid stories.
"Brad & Angie in Battle Over Bucks!" claims the 'Enquirer.' "She's steaming over his big spending on homes." They are still disputing legal custody of their children, it's true, but they are not fighting over their respective fortunes, so Brad can do what he wants with his money, even if the 'Enquirer' disapproves of his spending habits.
But the 'Globe' has a different take on Brad's financial acumen, reporting: "Jen Leans on Brad For Money Magic!" Aniston supposedly gets financial and investment advice from ex-husband Pitt, because "there aren't many more savvy operators in Hollywood than Brad." Maybe someone should tell that to Angelina.
"Let Us Live In Peace!" say Prince Harry & Meghan on the cover of 'Us' magazine. Didn't happen.
The renegade royals have cut ties with four British newspapers – not that they ever cooperated with them in the first place – but say they still expect to be fair game for every other media outlet. That sends many messages, but "Let Us Live In Peace" is not one of them.
'Us' claims that the global pandemic has given Harry and Meghan "a unique opportunity to focus on what they love most: giving back."
How is that a "unique opportunity"? The couple spend much of their public lives performing charity work, with or without coronavirus.
The cover of 'Us' mag is devoted to Katie Holmes and her daughter: "Suri Turns 14! Saved By Love. Escaping Scientology & growing up without Dad."
Dad would be couch-jumping Scientology poster boy Tom Cruise, of course. Holmes claims she is "so blessed" to have a normal kid. But does she ever secretly wonder what Suri would be like if she was a Level 7 Operating Thetan by now?
As the global nightmare of pandemic rages 'People' magazine brings us its annual "Beautiful Issue," treating readers to "40 pages of inspiring stars" who are all "beauties of the year." Because at a time of national crisis with the death toll soaring what could be more important than celebrating superficial looks after they've been manufactured by makeup artists, hairdressers and fashion stylists and then completely reimagined by digital editing?
The cover is ostensibly dedicated to 74-year-old Goldie Hawn, her 41-year-old daughter Kate Hudson, and 16-month-old grand-daughter Rani, but in reality it's devoted to the art of Photoshop. When all three have fewer facial lines and wrinkles than a newborn, you know that someone's gone waaaay too far with the digital air-brush.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Jessica Alba wore it best, that Terry Crews owns "over 500 custom suits," and that the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, eat ice cream, read books and play guitars. Thrilling as ever.
Onwards and downwards . . .
