They'll all be rolling in money thanks to an ad in this week's edition that tells them: "How to save $19,899,901."
Just imagine what they can do with all that money!
And saving $19,899,901 – such a precise sum, this offer must be legitimate – is easy.
Simply buy a fake 10.64 carat pink diamond ring for $99, and you'll have saved that eight-figure fortune if you were thinking of buying the genuine article for $19.9 million, which is a apparently how much a similar real pink diamond recently fetched at auction.
And just think how much more money you'll save not having to buy costly insurance for your $99 new family heirloom.
Ignore the small print that says the regular price of the ring is $399 and that you'll only "Save $300." Just think of the $19,899,901 you're really saving, and splash out!
Or there's an even easier way to save $19,899,901: build a time machine, go back to December 12, 1980, when Apple first offered shares at $22 a piece, and buy a slew of stock.
It makes the $4.99 US cover price of the 'Enquirer' all the more attractive, especially when they bring us an "Explosive Special Investigation!" as the cover story: "China's Secret War on America!"
Xenophobia is the new black at the 'Enquirer,' which has joined President Trump in learning to love Russia and instead view China as an evil empire "hell-bent on world domination!" Like Starbucks, but without the matcha lattes.
"8,000 agents infiltrate US in 20-year attack," the report claims. These were allegedly "Communist Party soldiers – most posing as students."
Where did they come up with the figure of 8,000?
Could it be from the recent report by an educational company that estimated around 8,000 Chinese students a year are expelled from American universities and colleges because of cheating and poor academic performance?
A new US ban on Chinese graduate students who earned their undergraduate degrees at Chinese universities linked to the Chinese military went into effect in June, keeping up to 3,000 Chinese students out of the country. But just because those universities often have ties to the People's Liberation Army it doesn't make the students soldiers. The move has been condemned by many as racist and fostering anti-Asian bigotry, which isn't helped by the 'Enquirer' repeating its fondly-held allegation: "Experts charged the coronavirus is a bioweapon created in a Wuhan lab to weaken and distract America."
The 'Enquirer' attacks "China's Secret War on America" and "the country's expansionist military leaders" who have "seized islands." They should have done it the American way: When Trump wanted to buy Greenland, he was willing to make them a fair offer. That's not expansionism. That's just good old American free trade.
The 'Globe' continues to follow Trump's lead in turning its laser-like focus on the evils of former BFF Fox News, with this week's cover story: "Fox News Sex Scandal Explodes!"
Fox hosts Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson and Howard Kurtz have been accused of sexual misconduct, the 'Globe' claims, which to some might seem like business as usual at the network.
But while former anchor Ed Henry has been accused in a lawsuit of sexual assault, Hannity and Carlson are named in the suit for lesser questionable sexual behavior, which they vehemently deny.
"Can the network survive?" asks the Globe. As if iFox viewers, who have turned a blind eye to every one of President Trump's alleged sexual assaults, are going to be so disgusted by a Fox sex scandal that they'll turn to CNN.
Speaking of sex scandals, the late billionaire convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's former girlfriend and lieutenant Ghislaine Maxwell, currently in a Brooklyn jail awaiting trial, is the subject of a 'Globe' story: "Ghislaine Set to be Stripped Bare!"
No, she's not been deprived of all clothing because she's a suicide risk (though she is reportedly clad in paper prison garb for that reason.) She's not even being strip-searched naked in jail, though that may conceivably have already happened. Rather, the 'Globe' suggests that Maxwell could be stripped of her fortune and lose her "$20 million secret stash" in banks across the world if Epstein's victims sue her for damages, or if her wealth came directly from supporting Epstein's illegal sexual activities.
Britain's Royals come in for their usual share of tabloid fairytales.
An "Enquirer Exclusive" reports: "Queen Kicks Meghan Out of Royal Family!" No, she didn't. It didn't happen. Meghan is still there, still a Duchess.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, the 'Enquirer' claims that the Queen "in a fit of regal rage" over the new Harry-and-Meghan-friendly biography 'Finding Freedom,' has ordered Meghan "banished from Britain's royal family – forever." At least there's some good news: "Harry and Archie and welcome back – alone."
This attempt at fair and balanced report displays the great efforts the 'Globe' made for impartiality, only calling Meghan a "diva" and a "demanding Duchess" instead of the usual catalogue of insults they shower on her.
The 'Enquirer' helpfully adds at the end of its story: "Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan did not respond to requests for comment." Well, there's a surprise.
The 'Globe' approaches Harry and Meghan's drama from an alternate perspective, reporting: "Fed-Up William & Kate: Our Side of the Story!"
Shockingly, Duchess Kate and Prince William have not given an exclusive interview to the 'Globe.' It's just Kensington Palace PR spin regurgitated and barely warmed up. The rag, clearly refusing to take sides, reports: "Kind-hearted Kate has repeatedly tried to mend fences and heal the family," while "a former Palace staffer describes Harry and Meghan as spoiled cry babies."
In case readers are unclear where 'Globe' sensibilities lie, an opinion piece opines: "Meghan's A Dirty Dog." The Duchess "belongs in a doghouse" after allegedly "dumping her rescue pup, Bogart, with Canadian friends." Meghan reportedly left her beloved adopted dog Bogart with friends when she moved to Britain in 2017. But now she is back in the US, the 'Globe' brands her "the Wicked Witch" for failing to retake possession of her mutt.
Let's ignore the fact that after almost three years in a new home the dog may well be attached to its new family, and taking it back might be cruel to both.
Meghan just can't catch a break. Neither can Angelina Jolie, another perennial tabloid target.
"Aging Angie Swears Off Sex!" reports the 'Enquirer,' leaving readers to wonder how many listening devices and hidden cameras the rag actually has secreted around Jolie's bedroom. She has allegedly been celibate since her split from Brad Pitt four years ago, but just because she hasn't been photographed with another man or woman doesn't necessarily mean she has given up on sex.
'Us' magazine reports on "Angie's Plea to her kids: Make Amends."
Jolie allegedly wants her eldest children Maddox, 19, and Pax, 16, to reconcile with their father Brad Pitt, according to an unidentified source. A second anonymous source helpfully adds: "There's no sign this is true." Great, let's run the story anyway.
With Ellen DeGeneres under investigation by her TV chat show's parent company Warner Media, 'Us' mag's cover story asks: "Who Will Steal Her Show" – though they ruin the effect by omitting the obligatory question mark, turning the headline into a declaratory statement that makes one wonder if Abbott & Costello's baseball player has left first base and plans to take over Ellen's show.
"Insiders say Ellen's finished," reports the mag, which suggests that Kristen Bell, James Corden and Drew Barrymore are allegedly "in line for $500m job – but she won't quit!" That could make it harder for anyone to take over her show, I suspect.
The Kardashian-West marriage meltdown is scrutinized by 'Us' mag under the headline: "Why Kim Can't Let Go?" Could it be arthritis? No, apparently she still loves Kanye, or as an unnamed source says: "there's a desire to make it work."
Katy Perry dominates – and I use that word advisedly – the cover of 'People' magazine, taking up so much space that she could be about to deliver octuplets, despite the headline claiming: "I'm So Excited for Our Baby Girl!" She appears on the cover dutifully Photoshopped, air-brushed, smoothed and plasticized like every other 'People' mag cover celebrity, turned into a living waxwork.
Days away from delivering her baby with fiancé Orlando Bloom, she is yet again photographed with Bloom consistently absent. I'm sure there's an innocent explanation.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Maya Jama wore it best, that Olivia Culpo "was very chubby growing up," and that the stars are just like us: they go hiking, dine out, shop for food, exercise, paddle-board and grab drinks to go. I'm lucky if I leave the house once a day to walk the dog during the pandemic, but that's probably why I'm not a celebrity.
And late-breaking news from the 'Globe' reports that the city of Riverside, Iowa, "has declared itself the Future Birthplace of Star Trek's Capt. James T. Kirk!"
A publicity stunt that took place in 1985.
Maybe the news was caught in a space-time wormhole.
Onwards and downwards . . .