"Cops In The Crosshairs!" screams the 'Enquirer' cover story. "Shooter's ambush of L.A. deputies caught on camera! . . . Gun-toting goons declare war."
A tragic shooting of two sheriff's deputies, which could have been anything from a gang initiation to a personal vendetta to a sociopathic response to police brutality, is characterized by the 'Enquirer' as an assault on the nation – by goons?
"America's courageous lawmen are being targeted by murderous terrorists hellbent on destroying the nation by spreading fear, violence and distrust," the story explains. "Experts warn thugs and radical activists have declared all-out war on cops after several high-profile cases of police killing Black people . . . "
It's intriguing that the 'Enquirer' has the political nuance to capitalize the world "Black," and yet actively incites the fear and distrust it claims radicals are spreading.
Piling on the fear-mongering, the 'Enquirer' adds xenophobia to the mix with its two-page spread under the headline: "America's Colleges Infested by Spies! Enemy nations using top schools to steal vital secrets – and recruit moles."
The 'Enquirer' claimed only last month that nearly 8,000 Chinese communist party soldiers, most of them students in the US, were part of an elaborate spy ring in America. The rag now notes that the Department of Education is cracking down on a dozen top colleges, allegedly including Harvard, Yale, Stanford and MIT, "for failing to disclose large [overseas] donations as required by law."
An estimated $14 billion has been paid to US colleges by foreign students over the past eight years, the 'Enquirer' claims – but that hardly makes them all spies or moles.
Making mountains out of molehills, the tabloids continuing finding scandal where there may be none.
"Bombshell!" screams the 'Globe' cover, in yet another wild reimagining of the case against dead billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein and his former fiancée Ghislaine Maxwell, this time dragging in Epstein's former lieutenant Sarah Kellen Vickers.
"Epstein Assistant's Shocking Deposition. Why Maxwell Is Terrified of These Explosive Photos & Her Testimony."
The "explosive" photos show Epstein and Vickers together on a jet-ski, and Maxwell won't be in the least bit terrified of the innocuous images because they prove nothing and harm nobody.
What did Vickers say in her "shocking deposition?" Absolutely nothing. She pleaded the Fifth Amendment every time she was questioned by the feds back in 2010. Yes, she was deposed ten years ago, said nothing, and is credited on this week's 'Globe' cover as "shocking."
Could VIckers be pressured to talk now, and give evidence against Maxwell? It's possible, just as a dozen Epstein associates could be leaned on by prosecutors and enticed to talk. The only thing that's new in this story is the photo of Epstein with Vickers on a jet-ski, and since we've known about their close friendship for the past decade, that's more of a damp squib than a bombshell. Yet the 'Globe' calls this "Ghislaine Maxwell's Worst Nightmare!" RIght.
The British Royal Family continues doing its bit to support the tabloids, providing endless hours of amusement for imaginative editors.
"Queen Snubs Tom Cruise!" reports the 'Enquirer,' which claims that while filming his latest 'Mission: Impossible' movie in London the actor requested an audience with Her Majesty, who reportedly declined.
While it's likely that every one of Cruise's reps would have told him that one simply does not request an audience with the Queen, and that the entreaty was probably never made, the story simply makes no sense given Her Majesty's current circumstances socially distancing from most of her family and friends, let alone from American hoi polloi, during the pandemic. Keeping away from strangers, no matter how famous, hardly counts as a "snub."
"Royals Erasing Awful Andrew!" reports the 'Globe.' No, the Queen hasn't put out a contract on her second son to rub him out after his embarrassing entanglement with Jeffrey Epstein, and his failed attempts to disassociate himself with under-age sex slaves.
Rather, Andrew is allegedly being erased from family photos, and reportedly banned from the 100th birthday celebrations for his father, Prince Philip – which, it should be noted, do not happen for another nine months, in June 2021.
But it's highly unlikely that Andrew would be barred from Prince Philip's celebrations. If he attends, the 'Globe' will simply report that Andrew has been welcomed back into the family. It's a win-win situation for the rag.
An unnamed "royal insider" claims: "Andrew has become the biggest black sheep in his family's history." That might be a touch of hyperbole, since it seems to be ignoring King Edward VIII's monarchy-shaking abdication, Princess Margaret's affair with the married Capt. Peter Townsend, Princess Diana's divorce, Duchess Fergie's toe-licking lover, and such historic scandals as Henry VIII's predilection for executing wives, and Charles II's warring mistresses and slew of illegitimate children.
'Us' magazine envisions more Royal children on the way, with its cover story: "Meghan Tells Harry: It's Baby Time!"
This is hardly news to Prince Harry, or to anyone. Meghan is 39 years old, and I think we all know that if she wants to match Queen Victoria's brood of nine children, she'd better get a move on and produce a sibling for 16-month-old Archie.
'Us' mag claims that insiders reveal that Harry and Meghan are ready for another child now they have their California home and a multi-million dollar Netflix production deal in place.
As if getting their home the way they want it, and producing a clutch of Netflix shows won't keep them busy enough.
Hollywood royalty also gets the tabloid treatment this week, with just as little respect for facts or truth.
"Clooney Mansion Reno Takes Wrecking Ball to Their Marriage," reports the 'Enquirer' in a grammatically-mangled headline that requires interpretation. George & Amal Clooney are allegedly "on the brink of a $500 million divorce" because their Los Angeles home remodeling – that's their Reno-vation, not their home in Reno, Nevada – is taking longer than expected. As if they have nowhere else to live, with their luxury New York apartment, English riverside mansion, and lakeside villa in Italy.
The tabloids have been reporting on the Clooney's divorce almost since the day they tied the knot – they celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary on September 27 – but George and Amal have steadfastly refused to oblige the baying hounds of the tabloid pack.
The 'Globe' brings us an intriguing story about Elvis Presley's daughter under the banner: "Celebrity News," revealing: "Lisa Marie: Why I Divorced Michael."
The King's daughter was famously married to pre-disgrace pop icon Michael Jackson in 1994, and Lisa Marie Presley reportedly claims she divorced the gloved one after he demanded that she produce a child, and if Lisa Marie wouldn't give him one, his friend Debbie Rowe was ready to do so.
Could it really be that Lisa Marie is talking to the' Globe' just weeks after the suicide death of her son, Benjamin Keough? Of course not. The 'Globe' admits that the alleged quotes comes from "a newly resurfaced 2010 interview." In other words the story is ten years old, and the 'Globe' hopes we've forgotten all about it. Breaking news in the best tabloid tradition.
While the cover of 'Us' mag is dominated by Harry & Meghan's "Baby Time," a portion of the cover teases readers with the promise: "Brad's Lover Speaks Out."
Yet there's only a single, paltry paragraph inside the mag, in which Brad Pitt's rumored girlfriend, married model Nicole Poturalski, says on Instagram that, despite reports of her hating Angelina Jolie, that she's "Not hating anyone." Good to know.
With its usual good taste and restraint, the 'Globe' reports on the death of TV's former 'Glee' star Naya Rivera: "Negligent Naya Killed Herself!"
It's a gross misinterpretation of the coroner's report, which simply noted that there was a life vest on the boat when Rivera drowned in a California lake in July.
Forensic pathologist Dr Cyril Wecht, who has absolutely nothing to do with the case, told the 'Globe' that Rivera suffered occasionally from vertigo, and that dizziness in the water "may have triggered a panic attack."
But Dr Wecht helpfully adds: "I have no way of knowing this or proving it." No kidding. But that's enough for the 'Globe' to shamelessly rule that Rivera "killed herself."
'People' magazine devotes its cover to "Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Her Amazing Life & Powerful Legacy." It's good to see RBG so prominently displayed, especially when there's surprisingly little written on her sex life or any links she may have had to Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Diane Kruger wore it best, that the best meal Howie Mandel can cook "is toast," and that the stars are just like us: they shop for food, walk their dogs, and play chess in the park.
The 'Globe,' in its round-up of bizarre stories of indeterminate age, reports that President Richard Nixon was an accomplished musician on the piano, violin, accordion, clarinet and saxophone, that real cowboys didn't wear ten-gallon hats, and there there is a McDonald's restaurant on every continent except Antarctica, which seems like the very definition of a pandemic.
Onwards and downwards . . .