Is America burning? Are its streets torn by riots and violence?
The 'Globe' is banking on post-election mayhem, but since it went to press the day before Tuesday's November 3 election, it had to commit to reporting on civil unrest before it ever happened.
"America in Chaos!" screams the rag. "Riots, Hate And Despair!"
The "Globe Exclusive" reports: "America stands on the brink of utter chaos as street violence, looting and despair threaten almost very major urban population and once-placid suburbs across the nation."
If riots don't materialize, will 'Globe' reporters hit the streets with Molotov cocktails and do their bit to make their report a reality? Maybe they need a Kickstarter campaign to fund the "drastic and serious action – including murder" they predict.
From the future to the past, the 'Globe' cover story exhumes an old Princess Diana rumor under the headline: "Diana's Fling With Spain's Playboy King."
This claim of Diana's affair with King Carlos of Spain was made in 2012 in a book by Barcelona-based author Pilar Eyre, and veteran royal biographer Lady Colin Campbell had previously insisted that the couple had an affair while cruising the Mediterranean in 1986. Good that the 'Globe' has finally caught up with this breaking news.
The 'National Enquirer' returns to the never-ending delights of Prince Andrew's embroilment in the Jeffrey Epstein under-age sex ring, with its cover story: "Epstein Madam's Second Secret Deposition Revealed! My Nights With Prince Andy & This Teen."
The "teen" is alleged sex slave Virginia Guiffre, and Epstein's "Madam" is his former girlfriend and right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell, who the 'Enquirer' claims gave evidence in a second legal deposition that has not yet been unsealed.
All well and good, but the 'Enquirer' doesn't have a single word of what such a deposition may contain. Their lurid imaginations naturally assume she'd be talking about Prince Andrew's sex life – despite years of refusing to confirm any wrongdoing on the part of herself or the prince – but there is nothing in this wildly speculative piece to suggest that Maxwell spilled the beans about her nights with Andrew or Guiffre.
It's a week of wild imaginings in the tabloids.
"Brad Pitt Boots Married Model to Keep Angie Happy," reports the 'Enquirer.' Sure, that's all Brad Pitt wants these days: to make his ex-wife happy as their four-year divorce battle drags on.
Singing lovebirds Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, who last month announced their engagement, "Will Never Last!" reports the 'Enquirer.' The rag is allegedly quoting Shelton's completely impartial ex-wife Miranda Lambert. Who better to pass judgment on the couple?
TV's former 'Friends' star Jennifer Aniston appears in a photo clad in bulky clothing, a thick scarf and face mask that pretty much hide every inch of her, yet the 'Globe' comes up with the inspired headline: "Heartbreak Eats Jen Alive." Because there's no better way of judging how a star is wasting away than to see her hidden beneath shapeless clothing. She is pining away for ex-husband Brad Pitt, of course, "and food is the last thing on her mind," claims the rag. It's a shame that there is ample photographic evidence in every other celebrity magazine that Aniston is looking fit, fabulous and healthy.
Kim Kardashian's turbulent marriage to rapper and sometime presidential candidate Kanye West dominates the cover of this week's 'Us' magazine, with the headline: "Why $1 billion can't buy Kim Happiness. Forced To Live A Lie. Inside Her Tortured World."
Some weeks Kim Kardashian allegedly loves bipolar husband Kanye West; other weeks she can't stand him, sources tell the mag. $1 million can';t buy Kim happiness, but I'd bet it makes her misery a lot more tolerable.
'People' mag devotes its cover to "Michael J Fox – The Truth About My Life Now.'
The truth is: he has a new memoir to sell. Fox talks about surviving his "darkest moment" two years ago when he had surgery to remove a spinal tumor, but "found his way back to having hope." Attaboy.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us' mag to tell us that Eiza Gonzalez wore it best, that actress Malin Ackerman is "so obsessed with Nutella that I cannot have it in the house," and that the stars are just like us: they take out the trash, carry packages, and drink protein shakes that they are paid to advertise for a superstore – just like us.
Notable among the tabloid ads for Christmas Santa statuettes, Harry Potter musical tabletop Christmas trees, Mickey & Minnie Mouse figurines and memorial tchotchkes for loved ones, two ads for Star Wars merchandise stand out.
The 'Enquirer' offers readers a "Star Wars Han Solo Jacket" in a "rugged shade of galactic grey" which makes you realize that the space hero didn't have the greatest fashion sense in a galaxy far, far away – yours for "a remarkable value of $149.99." Meanwhile the 'Globe' invites readers to buy a "Star Wars Rebel Alliance Messenger Bag" for $119.95, which looks remarkably like a dull brown canvas bag stamped with a Star Wars logo and the words: "May The Force Be With You.' I don't recall seeing any motorbike messengers in the Star Wars saga, but if they were there in the distant background it's questionable whether they would be carrying such a generic bag, which the ad promises has "a ;look that is light-years ahead!"
Onwards and downwards . . . .