Just in time for Valentine's: Who's your Orc daddy?

Polygon's Kyle Wilson rates the hotness and notness of the Orcs from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings. "…Here are the trilogy's dominant daddies of Mordor and Isengard ranked from hard passes to fine asses."

21. Clingy Orc

Clingy Orc from Lord of the Rings

Not only does this creeper closely resemble the Monster From Behind Winky's Diner in Mulholland Drive, AKA The Least Fuckable Thing in a Movie Ever, he's just so clearly that gay who's blowing up everyone's DM's just trying to get a little attention. Sir, you may want to "put a maggot hole in my belly," but it's 3 a.m.. Good night and good luck.

17. Handsy Orc

Aside from undressing a rope-bound Elijah Wood, but leaving his face covered in spider webs (maybe the kinkiest thing anyone has ever done in a movie), this little piggy is most identifiable for his ass-out style of walking, which is just a bit too eager for me. Sorry to this man.

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[H/t Jay Townsend]

Images: New Line promotional images