Prince Harry, fresh from telling Oprah Winfrey about the racial and mental abuse inflicted by Buckingham Palace, probably won't have expected a welcoming response from the tabloids, and they don't disappoint.
"Harry & Meghan TV Lies Exposed!" screams the cover of the 'National Enquirer,' which employs the questionable scientific skills of DecepTech voice stress analysis in Florida to expose "possible deception."
This is the same lie-detector technology that claimed Michael Jackson, R Kelly, Bill Cosby, Hillary Clinton, O.J. Simpson, Robert Wagner and Prince Andrew all showed extreme stress and were probably lying about their various alleged mis-deeds.
Donald Trump appears to be one of the few to pass the voice stress analysis with flying colors – and we all know how honest and truthful he is.
The 'Enquirer' claims that stress tests – from analyzing Harry's voice from his TV interview with Oprah, not from testing him in person – show that he lied about embracing public service, and his commitment to remain a part of the Royal Family.
Well, you can't argue with science.
'The Globe' attacks Harry with an ancient unsubstantiated rumor, proclaiming: "Charles Is Not Harry's Father!"
The rag tries to make this a new story by claiming that "new bombshell DNA evidence" has been "leaked by livid palace courtiers [which] proves Prince Charles is NOT Harry's biological dad."
The 'Globe' offers up the usual paternity suspects – former British Army officer James Hewitt, and former Welsh Guards officer Mark Dyer – but not a shred of evidence that DNA analysis actually exists, or where it has been leaked, and to whom.
"Sources claim top-ranking palace officials dropped the DNA bombshell as dirty revenge against Princess Diana's youngest son," according to an unnamed "high-level courtier."
As tempting as it is to acknowledge Harry's resemblance to Messrs. Hewitt and Dyer, and his lack of similarity to his putative father Prince Charles, this hoary chestnut of a story has been around for too many decades without substantiation, and we don't see anything to change that in the 'Globe.'
More intriguingly, the rag claims that the Palace leaked the DNA results "after ugly TV tell-all," which is laughable since the magazine went to bed before Harry and Meghan's interview was aired on Sunday night, as evidenced by their complete lack of quotes from the interview. Even the 'Enquirer' voice stress analysis only used Harry's words spoken in trailers released in advance of the full interview airing.
'Us' magazine dives into the royal imbroglio with its cover story: "Kate's Side of the Story.'
But if you're expecting the Duchess of Cambridge to be "fighting back after the interview that shocked the world," as the rag puts it, you're much mistaken.
"The Duchess is breaking her silence over Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's accusations of cruelty in the palace," claims the story alongside the headline: "It's My Turn To Talk.'
As of writing, here's how many words Kate has spoken to 'Us' magazine, or to anyone in public following Meghan and Harry's interview with Oprah: Zero.
The mag later admits: "She'll have plenty to say when the time comes," Maybe 'Us' mag could have spared us four pages of Kate not saying anything.
It's also worth noting that 'Us' mag refers to "The Duchess" when talking of the former Kate Middleton, but refers to the Duchess of Sussex by her unmarried name of "Meghan Markle." It's clear whose side the mag is on.
'People' magazine naturally gives up its cover to Harry and Meghan, under the headline: "Our Pain, Our Truth," offering more of a recap of "the interview that shocked the world." Interesting to note that the mag doesn't present Harry and Meghan's version as the definitive truth, but as "Our Truth." Indeed.
This week's tabloids seem to be offering their own version of the truth, though the rest of us might struggle to recognize it as such.
"George & Julia Juggle Jealousy!" claims the alliterative 'Enquirer,' which states that Julia Roberts and George Clooney have driven their spouses to distraction by going to Bali together to shoot a movie. Separating from loved ones on film sets is often part of the job, but the 'Enquirer' can't resist the chance to imply there's some possibility of an affair.
"Killer Kayleigh," is the headline above former White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany. But no, she hasn't killed anyone, not even inflecting a minor flesh wound. McEnany joined Fox News in March, and the 'Enquirer' claims: "many of her colleagues can't stand her!"
So why brand McEnany a killer? The rag appears to have no idea. It just sounded good in the headline.
"Tiger Woods Blacked Out Before Crash!" yells the cover of the 'Globe,' claiming: "forensic experts believe he hit brakes too late." But Woods claims to have no memory of the accident, and the forensic evidence that he hit the brakes "too late" shows that he was conscious enough to hit the brake pedal during his crash.
"This is like a classic case of falling asleep behind the wheel" says a former police detective who is not involved in the investigation. That certainly sounds like incontrovertible forensic evidence. You can't argue with science.
Breaking news that's more than 3,000 years old, the 'Globe' belatedly tells readers: "A shocking decoding of the ancient Hebrews' holy book the Torah predicts the COVID pandemic will end – but only after the US goes to war with Iran."
That's an impressive prediction for a religious text written millennia before the United States existed as a nation.
"I fear we are headed for the end times," an unnamed "top cleric" tells the 'Globe.' Fasten your seat-belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
The most exciting news of the week is hidden away without fanfare within 'Us' magazine: the return of its feature "What's In My Bag?" which has been revived after almost a year's absence. Can it be popular demand which has rejuvenated the most vacuous waste of a page in tabloid journalism? Is it the retreat of Covid-19 which is allowing celebrities the confidence to let strange photographers nose through their purses? Or is it sheer desperation at the lack of celebrity news to fill the wafer-thin 52 pages of the magazine that have driven editors to resuscitate the feature?
This week Kerry Washington reveals that she carries a face-mask, hand-wipes and a rosary in her Clare V tote, offering us a rare insight into the actress's personality that only a deep dive into her bag could provide. Just think what Sigmund Freud might have been able to achieve, if only he knew to rummage around women's purses.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Brooke Burke wore it best (see what a difference a simple accessory can make?), that 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' star Cynthia Bailey is the "self-proclaimed potato salad queen," and that the stars are just like us: they grab the morning paper, do their hair, and dine out.
But one wonders if former 'Daily Pop' co-host Catt Sadler perfects her makeup and sports immaculately manicured nails and silky-smooth brushed hair every morning as she stoops to pick up the newspaper from her doorstep while wearing a laundry-fresh pink and white robe – or might she have known that paparazzi were lurking?
Onwards and downwards . . .