Orwellian doublespeak dominates the latest tabloid offerings, with the "truth" being deliberately misleading, false narratives substituting for facts, and sensationalism overshadowing reality.
'National Enquirer'
"What's WRONG with America's OLDEST President, 73," asks the 'Enquirer,' notably without benefit of a question mark for what amounts to a statement loaded with the implication that something must be seriously amiss. "Truth about Joe Biden's Health! Brain aneurysms & stroke danger! Cancer surgery & killer clots! Real reason he keeps tripping!"
No, Biden doesn't "keep tripping" because the Pentagon supplies him with the best LSD. He lost his footing and "tripped not once, but twice" – shock! horror! – apparently because at his advanced age his loss of muscle strength, coupled with a broken ankle suffered last year, would be "a key contributor to falls like these," according to longevity expert Dr Gabe Mirkin, who – surprise, surprise! – has never treated Biden.
The 'Enquirer' conducted an "exhaustive investigation" to find that Biden had "suffered two life-threatening brain aneurysms, heart problems, skin cancer and underwent multiple surgeries." If their "exhaustive investigation" entailed Googling "Joe Biden," "health" and "WebMD," then the 'Enquirer' pretty much had it covered. But they fail to mention that Biden's aneurysms were successfully treated back in 1988, his non-melanoma skin cancers were safely removed, and his atrial fibrillation in 2009 is no longer detectable.
They also omit the detail that Biden's last medical report found him to be "healthy, vigorous," and "fit to successfully execute the duties of the presidency."
Unlike Biden's bloated Covid-spreading congenitally lying predecessor in the Oval Office, who kept the full extent of his medical records as secret as his tax returns, both likely to be equally unhealthy.
"UFO Dogfights Put US To Shame!" The US government has been increasingly open recently about sightings of unidentified flying objects without actually stating that they must be alien in origin, and while US Air Force and Navy officers have claimed sightings of unconventionally shaped craft moving at speeds unknown to human technology, none has yet suggested they were caught in a "dogfight" with aliens as if enacting a scene from 'Star Wars' or 'Independence Day.' If they were in such a fight one suspects we wouldn't hear them tell of it afterwards.
"A-Rod Furious Ben's Putting Mitts on J.Lo!" Translation: former baseball star Alex Rodriguez is upset that Ben Affleck is apparently romantically entwined with multi-hyphenate Jennifer Lopez, who is the ex-girlfriend of both men. What was A-Rod expecting? For a forlorn J. Lo to enter a convent after they broke up?
'Globe'
"Bill Gates Caught Cheating!" screams the mag's cover. "Fierce new war over $144 billion explodes!"
But iIt's not as if the 'Globe' caught him cheating. It was that bottom-feeding sensational tabloid wannabe The Wall Street Journal which first reported that Gates resigned from Microsoft in 2020 after its board of directors was informed the company founder had a years-long affair with an employee, and made clumsy attempts to seduce other employees. The rag speculates that as a result of the affair the couple's divorce battle is now getting ugly. But estranged wife Melinda Gates apparently had learned about Bill's infidelities long before the WSJ exposé, so the idea that a "fierce new war" is exploding makes little sense.
If you thought the 'Enquirer' UFO story was stretching the truth, wait till you see the 'Globe' offering: "UFO Photo The Pentagon Doesn't Want You To See!"
If US military brass don't want you to see this photo – plastered across almost two pages of the 'Globe' – it's probably because it's so highly implausible: a 100-ft wide flying saucer over the hills of Scotland being tailed by a British Air Force jet.
And why would the Pentagon even have a photo from secret British military files? Allegedly because the photo, which was being kept by Britain's Ministry of Defense, "mysteriously vanished in 2008." And a "former British military operative" – whatever that is – now "believes Pentagon officials may have the photo." Why – did the Americans steal it from the Brits? When British secrets mysteriously disappear do they usually turn up in the US? And surely the Brits didn't have only one copy of such a world-changing image?
One has to admit, however, that the photo of the giant diamond-shaped silver saucer flying above the fields of Scotland is a spectacular image, perhaps one of the greatest ever captured in the history of human photography. There's only one small detail missing: Nowhere does the rag mention that it's a fake: a Photoshopped mock-up of the supposed photo. Tabloid journalistic integrity at its finest.
Speaking of which, we have the 'Globe' offering its version of compassionate understanding: "Prince Harry's Battling Tragic Mental Disorder! Real reason he's attacking royal family. Medical Experts' Shocking Analysis."
Unnamed sources claim that Harry's father Prince Charles and brother Prince William "are desperate to have the raging 36-year-old committed to a psych ward for treatment before his life flames out in total tragedy." It's armchair psycho-babble at its most egregious, clinical analysis performed by watching Harry's docuseries on Apple TV+.
"They're convinced he's still unhinged over his mom's death and his wartime experience," say the anonymous sources who have clearly been chatting with both Charles and William, whose deep understanding of psychological diagnostics is world renown. One can only hope that far-sighted tabloid reporters are even now checking themselves into major psychiatric clinics as voluntary committals, to be sheltering in place for the moment when Harry arrives.
'People'
"Prince Harry Speaks," declares the cover, perhaps over-stating the obvious since few people thought he was genuinely mute.. "Loss, Pain & Finding Peace."
Yes, Prince Harry speaks, but not to 'People' magazine. They've just lifted quotes from his TV documentary, and done a classier armchair psycho-babble piece than the 'Globe' managed, though that was a decidedly low bar to surmount.
"Sinead O'Connor – I Have No Regrets." The singer might regret not having a stylist and makeup artist before agreeing to be photographed for 'People,' however. O'Connor reveals that after recording a cover version of Prince's song 'Nothing Compares 2 U,' the purple one invited her to his home, verbally abused her, and then lured her into a pillow fight in which Prince had "something stuffed in the pillow, designed to hurt." So much for pillow talk between the duo.
'Us Weekly'
"Julianne Hough at 32," proclaims the cover story. "My Best Body!" Can't argue with that, though it seems likely it's the same body she's always been using for the past three decades.
"Royals – They're Just Like Us!" Who are the folks at 'Us' mag kidding? Britain's royals evidently visit exhibits, keep active, do gardening and read out loud, all while funded by taxpayers, surrounded by massive security, snapping photographers and an entourage of handlers. Just like us.
"Prince Harry's New Candid Confessions." 'Us' thankfully condenses Harry's psycho-over-sharing down to two neat paragraphs. "Harry holds the key to a vault full of secrets," says an unnamed source, stating the obvious," and the royals are very concerned over what else he's going to spill." Revelatory..
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' to tell us that Dorit Kemsley wore it best ("it" being a Dior saddle bag that costs up to $4,500), that Suki Waterhouse (like Pooh bear) "used to have a serious honey addiction" but apparently has kicked the habit, and that the stars are just like us: they shop for groceries, exercise (it's all that Brooke Burke ever seems to do!), eat snacks and take pain relievers, perhaps because living such normal lives can give a celebrity a giant headache.
Onwards and downwards . . .
