An essential guide to inessential news.
Where would the tabloids be without their anonymous sources, the "pals" and "friends" of the stars, the "insiders" and "associates" close to celebrities? They'd probably be a darn sight more accurate, because the stories routinely generated by unidentified tabloid sources consistently prove that the stars aren't sharing actual details of their lives with their friends – real or imaginary. Is the "high-level palace insider" spilling dirt on the British Royal Family actually just the cleaner assigned to dust the chandeliers in Buckingham Palace? Or could it be that they only exist in the imagination of the tabloid's writers?
'National Enquirer'
"600,000 Americans Didn't Have To Die!" screams the 'Enquirer' cover. "What Dr Fauci knew about Wuhan lab & when he knew it!"
This "Enquirer Special Report" implies that Dr Fauci knew that Covid-19 escaped from a Wuhan laboratory, and that in knowing this he could have saved hundreds of thousands from dying.
But the story actually makes it clear that while some virologists were warning that the virus could have escaped from a lab in China, Dr Fauci "knew" nothing definitive about the origins of Covid-19 as investigations were – and still are – ongoing.
And even if Fauci had full knowledge that the virus was a lab escapee, given China's lack of cooperation with investigators that information is unlikely to have helped him from preventing the catastrophic death toll once the virus was on the loose.
As for sources, the 'Enquirer' has none claiming that Fauci knew the origin of Covid-19 and could have prevented 600,000 deaths. "Evidence pointing to the Wuhan lab is mounting," claims th e report, though this "evidence" is highly circumstantial: "China has stopped co-operating with the World Health organization and scientists who tried to speak out have either vanished of been silenced by the Chinese government." Not exactly a smoking gun.
"Why Royals Will Never See Meghan's New Baby!"
An unidentified "high-level palace source" allegedly claims that Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan's newborn Lilibet and infant Archie "will never see their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins – or Queen Elizabeth herself!" It's all Meghan's fault of course: "She's made it clear she wants nothing to do with Harry's family," We can start counting the days until this "palace source" is proved wrong.
"Makeover! Jen wants Ben reno or she's gone, girl!"
J.Lo, romantically reunited with former fiancé Ben Affleck, allegedly wants him to quit smoking – which seems reasonable enough, though a painful and transformative undertaking – and to remove the multi-colored tattoo of a phoenix spreading its wings across virtually his entire back – which is such a major, painful and transformative undertaking that it's hard to believe any girlfriend would ask this of her man. This, according to unnamed "sources" and an "insider" who appear to be privy to Bennifer's pillow talk.
"UFO Whitewash!" 'Disappointed with the Pentagon's report on UFOs which failed to categorically state that alien craft are visiting Earth, the 'Enquirer' naturally accuses the Pentagon of "a total whitewash that's hiding the real truth!" A tame UFO expert insists: "It's a cover-up." It's the same thinking that has convinced Donald Trump that he won the 2020 presidential election: anything that contradicts the 'Enquirer' world view must be a lie or a cover-up.
'Globe'
"Maxwell Prison Torture Exposed!" The "torture" allegedly inflicted on billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's former lieutenant Ghislaine Maxwell amounts to the safety protocols used to ensure that she isn't trying to commit suicide in her jail cell: checking on her every 15 minutes day and night, and subjecting her to physical body searches. Maxwell also claims that she was "roughly pushed" by a guard in her cell: an accusation denied by the detention center, and while abusive, hardly rises to the level of torture. Maxwell's alleged mistreatment is reportedly designed to "Force her to take a plea deal and protect powerful men involved with pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's teen harem of girls."
Yet that makes no sense. Maxwell is currently pleading not guilty, and is therefore unlikely to incriminate any "powerful men" in a sex ring since she would likely incriminate herself. Taking a plea deal would see her spilling the beans on all Epstein's powerful friends. So if the aim of Maxwell's alleged torture is to protect Epstein's influential friends, trying to force her into a plea deal would have the opposite effect.
The Clinton divorce, long-promised by the tabloids but yet to materialize, rears its dubious head once again: "Hillary Finally Dumping Bill! New humiliation with Sting's wife is last straw!"
Hillary Clinton is allegedly poised to launch a $250 million divorce against Bill "after the outrageous skirt-chaser flirted with pop star Sting's wife, Trudie Styler," according to "stunned insiders."
This flirting allegedly happened at a dinner in New York City in May, illustrated by a photo purporting to show that "Trudie rested her head on the former president's shoulder." But she didn't. A close examination of the photo shows that Styler rested her head on her hand, and though Styler and Bill Clinton appear to be leaning their heads toward one another, so does the woman seated at Clinton's left, giving every appearance of them posing for a photographer who suggested: "Lean in close together." Indeed, the New York Post reported that a waiter took a photograph of the gathered diners, and this alleged flirtation seems to be the result. The fact that Hillary Clinton was dining with them and several other friends at the same table suggests that Bill's alleged flirting may have been grossly exaggerated. Bill and Hillary left the restaurant together in the same car, which hardly sounds like an aggrieved Hillary storming out of the restaurant and heading straight for her divorce attorney.
And why would insiders be "stunned" by this development? Haven't they been predicting a Clinton divorce for decades?
"Hitler's Freaky Fetishes Exposed!" The Fuhrer "begged to be humiliated – with women kicking and urinating on him instead of having regular sex," reports the 'Globe,' retelling Hitler's "twisted, kinky cravings" as revealed in the TV documentary "Hitler's Secret Sex Life." The Sky History channel program was first reported more than a month ago by the New York Post. Presumably the 'Globe' spent the intervening six weeks scouring Third Reich archives and interviewing surviving SS troops to confirm the story with their usual rigorous demand for reliable sources.
"Snakes on a Plane! Rattlers invade America's jetliners." Not quite. Hundreds of passenger jets are mothballed in the Mojave desert, and snakes "love to curl up around the warm rubber tires and in the aircraft wheels and brakes," according to an airline executive. But they're not crawling about the cabins of the stored planes, and certainly not in jets currently in service carrying passengers. The 'Globe' simply couldn't resist the movie-inspired headline.
'People'
Yet another feel-good story dominates this week's cover: "Dwayne Johnson – Fame, Fatherhood & Finding Peace." He's "a proud #girldad," filled with gratitude for his success and "in constant thank-you mode", and "just might run for President" – which of course is a great way to quickly go from being a beloved Hollywood star to having half the country loathe you.
"100 Reasons to Love America!" It's all the reasons you'd expect: Dwayne Johnson naturally tops the list (what a coincidence) followed by Michelle Obama's TV show 'Waffles + Mochi,' crispy chicken sandwich wars, fire pits, Oprah Winfrey (clearly not as hot as fire pits), The 'Friends' reunion, Cheez-it snacks, ice cream, and coming in at No.100: "Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck's Rekindled Romance." 'People' magazine editors clearly live in a different America from the rest of us.
'Us Weekly'
The British Royals once again dominate this week's cover: "Kate & William's Secret Trip to America! Staying at Harry & Meghan's mansion in California." So much for Archie and Lilibet never seeing their royal relations again. 'Us' and the 'Globe,' though publishing stablemates at a360 Media (formerly American Media,Inc), clearly have different impeccable sources – both equally unreliable. The rag's claim of Kate and William's US trip comes from an unidentified palace source, but appears inspired by Duchess Kate welcoming Lilibet's birth by saying that she hasn't met the newborn yet, but "I hope that will be soon." Given William and Kate's busy schedule and increased royal duties after the departure of Harry and Meghan and the 95-year-old Queen reducing her workload, it seems unlikely that they could spare a day in California, let alone plan to visit for "about a week."
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' to tell us that Kendall Jenner wore it best (which sucks for Addison Rae, Kaia Gerber and Jaime Xie, who may have hoped their $188 Reformation pants might have been a little more exclusive), that former Fifth Harmony singer Ally Brooke is "obsessed with candles," and that the stars are just like us: they eat snacks, take selfies, and go to Disneyland (kudos to Megan Fox for wearing giant mouse ears.)
Onwards and downwards . . .
