Orgies in the Caribbean! The libidinous rich and famous fornicating on the Lolita Express private jet! Sex slaves delivering XXX-rated massages!
These are just some of the eye-searing possibilities conjured up by the 'National Enquirer' cover story: "Epstein Madam's Twisted Photo Album Revealed!"
How twisted can these photographs possibly be of the late convicted billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein and his still-extant right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell, currently on trial for sex trafficking?
Nothing could quite prepare you for this.
There's a photo of Maxwell with Epstein seated together on his private jet; a photo of the two of them sitting on a bench; another of the pair on a motorbike, and two where Ghislaine shockingly plants a chaste kiss on Epstein's cheek. And then there's a snap where she is fully clothed on Epstein's jet, apparently giving him a foot massage. Oh, the horror!
Maxwell is certainly "caught on camera," as the 'Enquirer' rejoices, but she's been caught doing nothing worth all this hand-wringing.
"Party Animal Jen Going To Pot!"
Jennifer Aniston allegedly consumes marijuana edibles and CBD balms, and on occasions will "smoke a fat joint if the mood suits her." Are we supposed to be shocked (again)? Hasn't the 'Enquirer' heard that marijuana is legal in California?
"Phil Collins Will Die Laughing!"
Let's be honest: the singer will probably die gasping for air, clutching his chest.
But prognostications aside, the 'Enquirer' believes he will be chuckling away at the moment of his passing, cheered because his ex-wife has divorced the "toyboy" who lived with her in Collins's former Miami mansion. The 'Enquirer' assumes that Collins, "riddled with illness," will take pleasure in his ex-wife's misery. At least we know how their editorial mind works.
"Oh nose! Jackson's Son Obsessed With Plastic Surgery."
Disgraced pop icon Michael Jackson's oldest son Prince is allegedly addicted to cosmetic surgery, just like his old man. The 'Enquirer' claims – without evidence or confirmation, but simply by studying old photos – that Prince had a "nose job" and "fillers injected into his cheek." Does that make him "obsessed" with cosmetic surgery? The 'Enquirer' hedges, saying: "The fear is he'll become obsessed with surgery and overdo it like his dad". Sounds like the 'Enquirer' that's obsessed.
"Vengeful Harry Stabs Dad In Back!" No, he didn't. When it was revealed that Prince Harry had accepted money for his charities from the Saudi billionaire at the centre of Princes Charles's "royals for sale" scandal, Harry simply pointed out that he had "expressed concerns" about the donor in 2015, which happened to be a year before Charles became embroiled with the same man. What Harry did not say was: "I thought he was an unsavoury character months before my dad was conned."
"School Shooter's Parents Are Monsters Too!"
After 15-year-old Ethan Crumbley was arrested for a recent Michigan school shooting, his parents, who had reportedly been convicted of passing bad checks, went on the run. This is sufficient for the tame 'Enquirer' psychiatrist Dr Carole Lieberman to opine: "The parents are sociopaths". Right. You can't argue with a good clinical diagnosis.
"Joe Biden Dementia Crisis!" screams the cover story. "Suffering tragic delusions! Dangerous odd behaviour!"
Well, Ol' Joe only has himself to blame.
He recently told a crowd that he used to work as a truck driver, which people assumed meant an 18-wheeler. While he may have briefly driven one, he actually spent a season driving a summer school bus in the mid-1960s. A school bus certainly doesn't qualify as a tractor-trailer, but conflating the two large, heavy and unwieldy vehicles doesn't exactly scream "dementia" or "delusion."
Biden also spoke recently of being asked to serve as a liaison between Israel and Egypt during the 1967 Six-Day War, when in fact he was a law student at the time. Far from being delusional or demented, Biden was simply confusing his Israeli wars, and meant to refer to the Yom Kippur War of 1973, before which Senator Biden met with Israeli premier Gold Meir for talks.
He was factually wrong with both statements, but they hardly indicate "delusional recollections," and certainly don't rise to the grand delusion of Donald Trump's "Big Lie."
Dr Carole Liebjerman, of course, offers her diagnosis that Biden is in "psychiatric decline." Right.
And what about his "dangerous odd behavior"? That's when Biden allegedly fell asleep at the recent world climate conference in Scotland, though it hasn't been proven that Biden wasn't merely resting his eyes and listening intently to the speeches.
"Prince William: My War With Depression!"
William recently confessed to experiencing anguish and depression in 2017 after his work as an air ambulance service pilot took him to the aid of a critically injured young boy. There's no indication that William didn't recover from this period of depression, but the 'Globe' quotes a "high-level courtier" saying that "he's still suffering," which the rag claims is "sparking fears he'll buckle under the pressures of royal life once he gains the throne!"
Why would that be? As monarch is he expected to attend to a slew of near-fatal car crash scenes?
"Alec Baldwin Fails Shooting Lie Detector!"
As far as I can recall, the only person who has ever passed the 'Globe' lie detector tests was – surprise, surprise – President Donald Trump. Baldwin claims the he didn't pull the trigger of the gun that shot cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the movie 'Rust,' which a voice stress analysis – pseudoscience at its best – allegedly shows was false. Can't argue with the facts.
WIth a typically inspirational 'People' profile designed to tug at the heartstrings by exploiting celebrity tragedy, TV's Nick Cannon reveals in the cover story: "My Heart Is Shattered."
Cannon talks about "losing my baby to cancer," his grief, and finding strength amid tragedy.
"Kate at 40! How Her Life Is Changing."
Duchess Kate, who turns 40 on January 9, "is a focused and professional woman" who is "ready to step into" the Queen's shoes alongside her husband when he becomes King William, according to unnamed sources who all seem to talk in dull bromides.
Kate's children are now all in school, and she's grown more comfortable making public speeches, apparently. She's wearing more glamorous clothes, and a family friend says she is "definitely fit for being Queen one day." It's yet another Royal story with zero insights and 100 per cent puffery.
"Inside Keanu's Private World" reads the cover. "The Pain Behind His Smile."
Keanu Reeves's baby was stillborn, and his then-girlfriend died in a car crash a year later, the rag reveals, adding: "Reeves was heartbroken over the unthinkable losses."
But this all happened 22 years ago, in 1999.
You'd think from the cover headline that Reeves had suffered some recent tragedy that haunts him still, but no. He simply has the fourth instalment of 'The Matrix' coming out on December 22, so it's a good time to recycle the actor's ancient pain, even though he hasn't given 'Us Weekly' a single quote for their cover story.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Paris Jackson wore it best (not hard when Doja Cat looks like she'd stumbled through a set of satin drapes and pulled the curtains around her in panic), that 'The Real Housewives of New York City' alum Tinsley Mortimer "can't live without Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers" and will "only wear Hanky Panky lace thong underwear (two cravings that are hopefully unrelated), and that the stars are just like us: they shop for birthday cards, drink coffee, and hang ornaments on their Christmas tree. Scintillating, as always.
Elsewhere in the Tabloids:
Husband and wife team Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively dominate the cover of 'O.K!' Magazine, with the headline: "Under Pressure." They reportedly claim: "We're far from perfect." Well, there's a shock.
Jennifer Aniston is the cover girl for this week's 'In Touch' magazine, though it's highly unlikely that she ever sat down with them to explain: "Why I Never Had Kids." She recently complained of tabloid coverage of her uterus, saying: "You have no clue what's going on with me personally, medically, why I can't . . . can I have kids? They don't know anything."
Aniston is simply pointing out that there are myriad reasons why people don't have children it wasn't exactly a confession.
'Life & Style' mag find commonality among the stars – singer Adele, actress Julianne Hough, and one-woman celebrity empire Kim Kardashian – "Finding Love After Divorce." How heart-warming.
Onwards and downwards . . .