"Dying Queen's Deathbed Decrees!" screams the cover story. "Charles forced to RETIRE! Frantic final push to save the monarchy!"
She's a frail 95-year-old, but the Queen is neither dying nor on her deathbed, and the monarchy doesn't need saving, though it could certainly use a better PR agency.
"Charles forced to RETIRE!"
The 'Enquirer' claims the 73-year-old prince will only rule until his 80th birthday. As if. Once he's king he can rule for as long as he wants. The Queen can't impose a posthumous retirement age on her heir.
William WINS the throne!"
No, he didn't. It's not a game show with the throne as the big prize. The Settlement Act of 1701 still ensures Charles' succession.
"Harry & Meghan BANNED!"
Despite the "high ranking royal aide" cited as the story's source, Prince Harry and wife Meghan and their two children have not been "stripped of all royal titles and banished forever!" The Queen has many powers, but they don't include the authority to exile anyone from the UK, much as she might like to.
"Andrew scores big PAYDAY!"
The 'Enquirer' claims the Queen is giving her favorite son "$5 million a year, tax free, for life." He should be so lucky. Prince Andrew only received £249,000-a-year (around $334,00) allowance when he was in the Queen's good graces, and while Her Royal Highness is paying Andrew's hefty legal defense bill in his fight against billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's sex slave accuser Virginia Giuffre, he's not getting anything like this purported massive hand-out from the Queen.
"Payoff Bombshell Rocks Charles."
Is there anyone else embroiled in scandals this week, or has the British Royal Family secured a global monopoly?
Prince Charles' cash-for-titles bribery scandal has "exploded around his jug ears" claims the 'Enquirer,' with a new report that wife Camilla "cavorted" with the Saudi billionaire at the centre of the scandal. Because we all know how bad cavorting can be. And you thought ten Lords a'leaping was bad.
"Air Force Pilot Tangles WIth Nine UFOs!"
A US military pilot apparently saw nine lights in the clouds over the South China Sea, and because he couldn't recognise them they are literally unidentified flying objects. That doesn't necessarily make them alien spacecraft – but try telling that to the 'Enquirer.'
"Denzel's Face Is Collapsing!"
The 'Enquirer' is shocked that Denzel Washington at the age of 67 doesn't look the same as he did at 25. A plastic surgeon who has never treated Washington has studied photographs of the actor and concluded that he had facial liposuction to appear thinner, and now "his face looks hollower." Hard to argue with a solid medical diagnosis.
It's the cover story that's been a year in the making: "Farewell – 117 Legends We Loved & Lost in 2021." That's 13 pages of regurgitated old news.
"Epstein Was Murdered – Explosive New Proof!"
This word "proof" does not mean what the 'Globe' thinks it means. The "explosive" documents are papers that include psychological evaluations of Jeffrey Epstein made while he was in jail awaiting trial in 2019, when he apparently displayed no suicidal ideation. The 'Globe' takes that as proof that his jail cell hanging must have been murder, simply because he never said: "I want to kill myself."
Regular rent-a-quote psychiatrist Dr Carole Lieberman, who never met or analysed Epstein, opines: "The way things unfolded during Epstein's last hours are very suspicious of foul play made to look like suicide." So suddenly she's a forensic expert, as well as a shrink?
There's a reason that the photo in this week's 'Globe' of Michael Jackson's daughter Paris posing topless with four girlfriends looks familiar – we saw this same story with the same photo months ago in the tabloids.
Here it is again, as if new, under the headline: "Exorcism For Moonstruck Paris Jackson."
The 'Globe' claims that because Paris and a few girlfriends partied under a full moon, her family believe she "is possessed by evil spirits and are planning an exorcism to save her soul." Sure – that's just the approach her family of devoted Jehovah's Witnesses would take . . if they converted to Catholicism and embraced the rites of exorcism. But since they haven't converted – forget about it.
"Vengeful Prince Philip Settled Scores From Beyond The Grave. Cuts worthless Charles, Harry & Andrew out of $60M will."
Philip's last will and testament is sealed for 90 years, but it has been disclosed that the vast majority of his estate went to his wife, the Queen, and he only made bequests to three key members of his staff. Philip's family wasn't exactly snubbed. Worthless? Well, the 'Globe' may have a point.
"Lucy & Desi's Sex Secrets Exposed!" That's the claim in a new book, but their marital infidelities are hardly a revelation: Lucille Ball admitted it in her own memoir decades ago, and Hollywood tabloids have been writing about the cheating ways of Desi Arnaz since the 1950s.
It's your typical picture-perfect loving couple wrapped in a warm embrace on this week's cover, all smiles as they sit nestled in a small boat on placid waters. Their hands are entwined, and she leans back into his confident arms, beside the headline "HGTV's Ben & Erin Napier. Marriage, Fame & Our Joyful Family!"
Could. Not. Care. Less. Who are these people? And why should we be concerned that they are trying to make a "normal" life for daughters Helen, 3, and baby Mae?
"Olivia & Harry – Why They're Happier Than Ever."
Actress-director Wilde and singer Styles recently celebrated the one-year mark in their romance, and Olivia told 'Vogue' magazine that she's "happier than I've ever been" because . . . well, she's in love.
But is Harry happier than ever? 'People' mag has no idea. They haven't spoken to Harry, don't have a single quote from him, and reveal that he's currently on tour, while Wilde has been filming period drama 'Babylon.' For all they know Harry could be miserable – 'People' mag hasn't a clue.
British royalty finally steps aside to allow American royalty to take a moment in the celebrity spotlight, with the cover story: "Kim Kardashian – It's All Falling Apart!"
What's all falling apart? Her face? Her famous derriere? Her business empire? Her marriage to Kanye West (which actually fell apart months ago)?
Kim is reportedly "humiliated by Kanye's latest public breakdown." He made an open plea for a reconciliation – shock, horror – but he's her ex, that's not her problem, and it's more humiliating for Kanye than for Kim.
But wait – there's more!
Apparently she's "crazy for Pete [Davidson] – who just spent the night with Miley [Cyrus]!"
But did Miley really spend the night with Davidson after a taping of 'Saturday Night Live'? 'Us Weekly' certainly doesn't know, admitting that Miley being spotted at Davidson's Staten Island condo was "leading some to believe that Cyrus spent the night." And presumably some believe she didn't. And even if Cyrus did spend the night with Davidson, does that mean they were making the beast with two backs? Absolutely, if you work for the tabloids. People don't just sit around and talk through the night, do they?
Worse yet, 'Us Weekly' claims that Kim's "at war with her sisters over storylines & money." So what's new? Isn't that sort of conflict what reality TV thrives on?
"What a Year!" comments the rag, as it looks back on the events of 2021, and takes only six pages to sum it all up. Bravo!
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kendall Jenner wore it best (someone should tell Amelia Gray Hamlin that body-hugging invariably looks better than loose and crumpled), that social media celebrity-turned-pro boxer Jake Paul confesses: "I secretly love watching cat grooming videos," and that the stars are just like us: they pump gas, buy take-out pizza, shop for fresh produce at farmers' markets, and—like Prince Charles, demoted from Royal to just another "Star"—struggle with their facemasks. At least he has those "jug ears" to keep his mask in place.
Onwards and downwards . . .