Britain's favorite soap opera never fails to entertain the tabloids, and the 'Enquirer' devotes this week's cover to the latest action-packed episode: "Queen Abandons Sex Creep Andrew! Refuses to pay his legal settlement! Takes royal lodge & leaves him homeless! Charles & William ignore pleas for help!"
This might be a good time for the 'Enquirer' to offer Andrew $1,000 for an interview – it sounds like he needs the money.
Of course, these 'Enquirer' claims go against multiple reports that, far from being abandoned by his mother the Queen, Andrew's settlement was largely financed by Her Majesty, that he has been making welcome visits to the Queen at Windsor Castle in the evenings, and by all accounts is still very much at home at Royal Lodge in Windsor Great Park.
Perhaps the 'Enquirer' is unaware that Andrew signed a 75-year lease on Royal Lodge in 2003, so they shouldn't expect to see him living in a tent under a motorway overpass any time soon.
"Queen, 95, Paralysed By Pain!" declares another 'Enquirer' yarn. "Skin & bones monarch admits 'I can't move.'"
Well, the Queen only has herself to blame for this story, having told visitors to a recent meeting at Windsor Castle that she was immobilised.
Yet photos clearly show that she was standing on her own two feet, albeit with the support of a black cane, and wasn't in or anywhere near a wheelchair. Far from being "paralysed," she was simply telling her guests that it would be easier for them to approach her, rather than to make her walk across a room at the age of 95.
Naturally, an unidentified "royal insider" tells the 'Enquirer': "She faces some of the darkest days of her life." Because living through WWII, the German blitz bombing of London, and the death of her husband were not dark enough?
"Hello? Adele Needs Help!"
Apparently the singer's "unhinged behavior has convinced pals an intervention is the only way to stop her downward spiral!"
Adele had the temerity to have fun indulging in a mock pole dance at a London club – almost fully clothed – and also announced in a British TV interview that she wants to have a baby. Oh, the horror. How unhinged can anyone get?
This somehow has prompted a deeply panicked unnamed "insider" to say: "Adele is out of control." So is this story.
"Matt & Gordon Chew The Fat!"
Blatant fat-shaming for former 'Friends' star Matt LeBlanc and celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay, who the 'Enquirer' claims "have become Hollywood heavyweights" after gaining a few pounds. They evidently made the unforgivable mistake of meeting and "hanging out in Los Angeles last month."
Don't they know there are rules against people with greater than 5 per cent body fat gathering in public in Hollywood?
"Snowflake Tucker's $250k Beauty Regimen!"
You know the rag's love affair with Fox News is over when they brand Tucker Carlson a "snowflake" and claim that "he primps like a woke metrosexual." As if there's anything wrong with that.
"Bob Saget Cover-Up: Was Comic Murdered?"
Yet another example of Betteridge's law of headlines: if it ends with a question mark, the answer is always No.
Comedy star Bob Saget's death was unquestionably mysterious: he was found dead in bed in his Florida hotel room, with a fractured skull consistent with being hit by a baseball bat or a 20-foot fall. But his injuries were also consistent with falling against the marble counter-tops in his hotel bedroom, or falling hard on the marble bathroom floor.
Saget's body was found in bed, with his hotel room door locked from the inside, so that hotel staff had to cut through the metal security latch on his door before getting in. Which also means that no killer could realistically have been inside his 9th floor room and then escaped after locking Saget inside. Unless the killer was Tom Cruise's 'Mission:Impossible' super spy Ethan Hunt. Mysterious, yes, but there's a reason the police don't believe there was foul play. Or maybe detectives should be checking on Cruise's whereabouts that night?
America's former First Lady Mrs. Obama is the subject of this week's cover story: "Michelle Running For Prez! It's Official!"
The 'Globe' clearly doesn't understand what the word "Official" means.
"Michelle Giving Joe The Heave-Ho!" declares the headline across two pages inside. "She's already begun recruiting an army of 100,000 volunteers." That's a huge army to hide in plain sight, and yet she's done a remarkable job of covering them up, since nobody's seen any of this army yet.
"Randy Andy Admits Defeat! Why prince agreed to pay teen who accused him of rape."
The "sleazeball prince" reached an out-of-court settlement with rape accuser Virginia Giuffre allegedly "because he feared exposing his darkest deeds in a sworn court testimony," according to unnamed sources.
What dark deeds? The 'Globe' hasn't a clue, and doesn't say, leaving readers to speculate the worst – does Prince Andrew makes shadow animal figures with his hands in darkened rooms? Creepy.
The rag offers readers two alternate cover stories this week, inviting dedicated collectors of first edition magazines to buy both copies.
"The Queen's Private Pain" dominates one of the front pages.
But it's hardly private when she's telling visitors that she's in physical discomfort, has been diagnosed with Covid-19, and when the world knows that she's not exactly happy about her sons: Prince Andrew forced to pay off his rape accuser (reportedly with the help of the Queen's cash) and Prince Charles poised to be questioned by police in the ongoing honors-for-cash scandal. Let's be honest: If it's on the front page of 'People' magazine, it's not private.
"The Killer Next Door" declares the alternate cover on newsstands, though it appears to be a rather general headline, since the elderly couple who live next door to me wouldn't hurt a fly (though I wouldn't be so sure about their driving after dark.)
The "killer next door" is suburban mom Pamela Hupp from Missouri, charged with murdering her best friend. Isn't it intriguing how 'People' mag became interested in this case after Renée Zellweger decided to play Hupp in a six-part NBC TV mini-series?
"Bob Saget's Mysterious Death – What Really Happened."
Yes, his death was mysterious, but what really happened? The magazine hasn't the faintest idea. That's why it's a mystery.
A genuine mystery takes center stage on this week's cover: the unlikely romance between two celebrities who seem to have emerged from different planetary systems: "Kim Kardashian, 41, & Pete Davidson, 28 – How We Fell In Love!"
It's yet another 'Us Weekly' story where neither of the stars actually speaks with the magazine, which instead relies on unnamed "insiders" to speak for the couple.
So how did they fall in love?
"No frills, no pressure, & silencing the haters." They reportedly enjoy quiet nights at home together, talk for hours about family, politics, hobbies and travel, and respect each other's work demands. Right. So romantic.
"Queen Elizabeth – Fight of Her Life." She has Covid, and seems otherwise fine apart from some mobility issues. She's 95 years old – give her a break.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Miranda Kerr wore it best, that if Molly Sims could only eat one food for the rest of her life "it would be brownies," and that the stars are just like us: they work out while photographers watch them, they go jogging while photographers watch them, and they grab a cup of tea while photographers watch them. Just like us.
Elsewhere in the tabloids:
Everyone else seems to think that Prince Harry and Meghan are living their dream life, but 'OK!' magazine sees only disaster looming, with its cover story: "Meghan & Harry – Is It Divorce? Falling Apart After 2 Years."
The rag promises to reveal "Tears, therapy & what went wrong."
'Life & Style'
"Stars' Secret Diet Tips That Work" dominates the front cover. The best diet tip not included in the issue? Get yourself a great Photoshop expert to doctor your photos.
Yet another royal drama in a week overflowing with them: "Kate & William's Family Crisis – Prince George, 8, Bullied By Classmates!' 'Heated' meeting with teachers & parents." The royal couple are reportedly "pulling George from $50,000-a-year school."
George certainly experienced some cyber-bullying online last year, and was wickedly parodied in HBO's animated satire 'The Prince,' but there has been no suggestion of bullying by his classmates.
Rather, William and Kate have been seen visiting schools in the Windsor area, fueling speculation that they might be planning a move from their current London home in Kensington Palace, to be closer to the Queen at Windsor Castle.
Then again, it wouldn't be entirely surprising if Prince George was secretly being tormented, since it's pretty much an established tradition to have members of the British royal family mercilessly bullied at school, as anyone who watches that historical document known as 'The Crown' will know.
Onwards and downwards . . .