'National Enquirer'
Occam's razor posits that the simplest explanation is often the best, but the way the tabloid editors employ this blade they should all have bushy beards of Biblical proportions.
"Who's Killing Epstein Witnesses?" demands the 'Enquirer' front cover.
Billionaire pedophile sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein was hanged in his jail cell, an apparent suicide. Now his pal Jean-Luc Brunel has been found hanged in a French jail cell, yet another suicide. And Steve Bing jumped to his death from his 27th floor condo in Los Angeles and left a suicide note, though the 'Enquirer' nonetheless claims he was "pushed off building!"
All were victims of murder, claims the 'Enquirer,' which now asks: "Ghislaine Maxwell – Is She Next?"
As if to answer the headline's question as to who is responsible for these clandestine killings, the 'Enquirer' displays headshots of Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, claiming a "Chilling conspiracy to protect world's most powerful men."
Expect arrests soon.
Does nobody simply commit suicide any more? Must every Hollywood death be a murder that's been covered up? Apparently.
Private eye Paul Huber tells the 'Enquirer': "It was more than likely Brunel was murdered along with Epstein." More than likely? With all the complexity involved in conspiring to have prison guards in two countries murder inmates and cover it up, that's more likely than the possibility they committed suicide?
"Putin's Blood-Stained Secret Life Exposed! Executions! Cheating! Greed!"
Ignoring for a moment that one could safely substitute the name "Trump" for "Putin," the 'Enquirer' claims it has undertaken a "bombshell" investigation, exposing Putin's "$200 billion fortune, multiple mistresses, several love children and raging mental health problems that could doom the planet."
With expert medical guidance from doctors who have never even met Putin, the 'Enquirer' reaches a complex medical diagnosis and concludes that the Russian leader is "a bona fide nutcase." That's Latin terminology, so they must know what they're talking about.
"Money-Launder Scheme Sends Andrew Spinning!"
Prince Andrew's 2007 sale of his home in Sunningdale Park in Berkshire, England, for $20 million – more than $4 million over asking – to a Kazakh tycoon is reportedly under fresh scrutiny. The buyer, Timur Kulibayev, is allegedly under investigation for possibly embezzling millions in state-owned assets and laundering the stolen funds through deals such as buying the Prince's home. No suggestion that Andrew was in any way a party to wrong-doing, but the 'Enquirer' tars him with the same brush anyway.
"Teeth That Really Bite!"
The 'Enquirer' tells us that Steve Buscemi, 'Jackass' star Steve-O and Ricky Gervais have less-than-perfect smiles. Oh, the horror. The rag also disparages the dental deficiencies of Madonna, Eddie Murphy, Olivia Newton-John, Willem Dafoe and Jewel, because the 'Enquirer' really cares about celebrity health and wellness.
"Boobs Taunt Chest Champ!"
Plus-size model Annie Hawkins-Turner, who claims to hold the Guinness World Record for the largest breasts—each mammary allegedly weighs more than 65 pounds—laments that strangers "make fun of me for no reason." She earns a living by posting photos of herself under the pseudonym "Norma Stitz."
'Globe'
"Andrew Flees Britain!" screams the cover. "Sex creep hounded out of his homeland! Pariah prince going to ground in Dubai!"
And just to prove it, there's a photo of Andrew getting off his private jet, luggage in hand.
But Andrew hasn't left the UK, where at the time of writing he remains ensconced at his home on the grounds of Windsor Castle. He hasn't been in Dubai since 2017, though intriguingly Prince William was there just days ago.
"Everyone hates him" in Britain claims an unnamed source, speaking on behalf of the entire United Kingdom.
"Courtney Confesses Her Face Is A Wreck!"
Well, no, she hasn't. Former 'Friends' star Courteney Cox has said in an interview that she understands why friends thought she was over-doing cosmetic procedures a few years ago. That's very different from admitting that her face is ruined.
"Walking Dead Star Was Murdered! New evidence reveals suicide was staged."
Of course actor Moses J. Moseley was murdered – there is no such thing as suicide in Hollywood, a town where every suspicious death is a covered-up killing.
Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and Ehud Barak are really pushing their luck this time.
'People'
"Lizzo – I Had to Blaze a Trail."
The singer is the cover girl for an issue dedicated to "Women Changing the World" to mark Women's History Month.
The trail she's blazing appears to be for body-conscious pride in being who she is by unashamedly displaying her ample curves: "I'm doing this for other people – to help other people feel better about themselves". Right.
No shrinking violet, Lizzo says: "I deserve the spotlight. I deserve the attention. I'm talented. I'm young. I'm hot. You know?" No, I don't.
Other women changing the world apparently include Rita Moreno ("paving the way for inclusivity onscreen"), Keke Palmer ("guiding girls to find their voices"), Goldie Hawn ("teaching children the tools for mental wellness"), Billie Eilish ("taking a green approach to food insecurity"), and 'Jeopardy' transgender winner Amy Schneider ("meeting the moment with authenticity").
People' mag looks at the human impact of the Russian invasion with its four-page story: "War in Ukraine," and spotlights the "most unlikely war hero," Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky.
Actor Patrick Stewart, telling "What I Know Now," merits only three pages, confirming to readers that he's only 75 per cent as important as the war in Ukraine.
'Us Weekly'
"Britney's Explosive Tell-All" dominates this week's cover. "What she saw that will send shock waves through Hollywood."
But whatever Britney Spears saw, and whatever she plans to reveal in her coming memoir, 'Us Weekly' hasn't the faintest idea because Britney isn't exactly talking to them.
The rag includes one quote from Spears, lifted from an Instagram post in January in which she wrote: "Shall I start from THE BEGINNING?"
Yes, it's that revealing. Even the rag's alleged insiders and sources haven't the faintest idea, but speculate wildly. "Britney is planning to expose everything," says one. Another, promising the book will shock Hollywood, opines: "No one will be safe." Sure.
The story merely rehashes all of Britney's woes and torments through the years. Nothing even mildly "explosive" there.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Bella Hadid wore it best, that actress Alex Borstein can unveil; "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" and still tell us nothing about herself – "My favourite food group is Nutella" is about the most revealing detail – and that the stars are just like us: they shop at flea markets, ride bikes and eat food. Revelatory, as always.
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
'OK!"
"Why Meghan Vanished. Harry Parties solo while Meghan stays home."
Are they talking about the same Duchess Meghan who appeared beside Prince Harry as they jointly accepted an NAACP award on February 26 in Los Angeles? She certainly didn't appear to be staying home, and Harry was hardly partying solo.
'Life & Style'
"Stars Without Makeup – The Good, the Bad, and the OMG!"
Public service journalism at its finest.
'In Touch'
"Hollywood Divorce Papers Unsealed!"
Sordid details of the marital dissolutions of the stars: Kim Kardashian ("Begging Kanye to let her remarry!"), Kelly Clarkson ("Paying ex $200,000 a month!"), Julianne Hough ("Spousal support shocker!"), and Sam Hunt ("Cheated on his pregnant wife!")
The real tragedy is that so many exclamation points gave their life for this story.
Onwards and downwards . . .
