"Joe Biden Criminal Cover-Up Exposed!" screams the cover story. "FBI protected president and crooked son Hunter!"
It's the same old allegations of Hunter Biden's drug abuse and questionable foreign business deals that we've seen over the past 18 months, but now the 'Enquirer' claims that the FBI knew about Hunter's lost laptop computer in April 2019 and deliberately failed to investigate any of the alleged wrongdoing it contained.
Yet the FBI has always said that it obtained the laptop in April 2019, and made no secret of this fact.
When news of the lost laptop went public in October 2020, one month before the presidential election, the FBI claimed it was still trying to ascertain if it had been tampered with.
This is tantamount to a cover-up according to Texas-based criminal defense lawyer Joe Gutheinz, whose specialty appears to be in hunting lost Moon rocks, which is good enough for the 'Enquirer' to consider him an expert in FBI forensic investigations.
"Ben Blows Big Dough To Keep J.Lo Happy!"
The 'Enquirer' objects to Ben Affleck paying for "private jets to Spain and St Tropez, five-star hotels and designer shopping extravaganzas" as he enjoys life and love with Jennifer Lopez.
Presumably the magazine would like to see the lovebirds flying coach on JetBlue, staying at Holiday Inns, and shopping at Target.
"Fantastic Beast! Stressed Johnny Depp packing on the pounds."
The 'Enquirer' proves it's a gender-blind equal-opportunity body-shamer.
"Miley's Brush With Death! Fears plane trauma may spark self-destruction."
Miley Cyrus' plane was struck by lightning during a storm and made an emergency landing. The 'Enquirer' conjures up unnamed "friends" who are allegedly "terrified the close encounter will drive the singer back to her hard-partying ways!"
Right. Because the slightest turbulence could drive her off the rails.
"Proof Harry's Under Meghan's Thumb!"
A year late and a dollar short, the 'Enquirer' rolls out a "body language expert" to analyse the royal couple's posture while being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey on TV in March 2021.
Meghan is seen resting her hand on his, suggesting that she is "in control," while Harry drapes a hand between his legs, in a "self-protective posture."
The 'Enquirer' concludes: "Shocking photos: Henpecked Harry Has No Chance!" Or could it simply be that seasoned actress Meghan is more comfortable before TV cameras, and that their gestures offer no useful indication of their marital relations?
"William & Kate Hit Trouble In Paradise!
"Incredibly, the duchess was royally snubbed by a former beauty queen turned politician".
Incredibly? Which part of this is incredible? That Duchess Kate was snubbed? That she was snubbed by a former beauty queen – almost royalty herself? Or because they beauty queen became a Jamaican member of parliament?
Or was it incredible because the alleged "snub" appears to have been imputed from two seconds of video taken out of context, when Jamaican politician Lisa Hanna momentarily turned away from Kate, having spent the rest of her time with the Duchess politely engaged and welcoming?
It's like a vintage cat-fight episode of 'Dynasty' in this week's cover story: "Michelle vs Hillary. Brutal Brawl Explodes!"
The two former First Ladies were caught rolling on the ground clawing at each other's hair, tearing at their clothes and spitting obscenities.
There's no brutal brawl, no "backstabbing," "insults" or "blind ambition" as alleged.
The 'Globe' claims that the White House ambitions of Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton, both supposedly vying to become President, have reignited their "festering feud."
The rag then claims the two women are "waging a furious Cold War" which by definition would preclude a brutal brawl.
"Jealous Hillary" allegedly also covets Michelle's media success in Hollywood. – as if it's a zero sum game and that if Michelle's Hollywood deals are fruitful, then Hillary is doomed to failure.
"Nip/Tuck Doc Lifts Veil On A-List Secrecy."
Dr Ashkan Ghavami, who the 'Globe' dubiously dubs "the self-proclaimed plastic surgeon to the stars," reveals that his staff sign non-disclosure agreements, and that celebrities use "private doors" so that other patients won't see them.
Wow. That's really lifting the lid off the secrets of Hollywood's cosmetic surgery obsession.
Dr Ghavami forgot to mention that for the past two years everyone entering a plastic surgeon's office has been barely recognisable behind a mask anyway.
"Ex-King Edward Exposed As Nazi Spy!"
It's been widely reported for years that Edward VIII, later the Duke of Windsor after his abdication, was a Nazi sympathizer. Inspecting French troops in 1940 he wrote to a friend about their poor military preparations – letters that were then passed to the Nazis.
Does this make Edward a spy, or simply naive? The Third Reich certainly had enough real spies and informants telling them that the French Army was in poor shape, making Edward's analysis of limited value.
Did Edward believe that Hitler would restore him to the British throne as a puppet monarch, as the 'Globe' reports that a new book and documentary claim? It's possible. Never under-estimate the self-destructive abilities of a member of the British royal family.
"Will, Jada & Chris – Shock at the Oscars" dominates the cover.
The slap, the speech, and everything you've already heard about the incident, repeated without insight.
"A Night to Make History!"
'People' mag devotes two short sentences to Ariana DeBose's win as the first openly queer woman of colour, then dives into five pages of Oscar fashions, presumably because that's how women really make history at the awards show. Plus two pages of Oscar attendees sporting fabulous jewels they borrowed for the night, and two pages of men's Oscar fashions. That's bringing history to life!
"Will & Kate's Last Caribbean Tour? Questions About the Past & The Future."
After a rocky reception during their three-nation Caribbean tour, Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge may be thinking twice about booking a Sandals vacation in Jamaica any time soon.
William is reportedly "thinking about the future." As if there will be a future for the Royals in the West Indies.
"A Daughter's Desperate Search." Ellie Green's mother disappeared from their Kansas home three years ago, and "it's a mystery she's determined to solve."
If Ellie Green wasn't a beautiful blonde white 21-year-old woman, would 'People' mag even be running this story?
It's the cover story every publication wanted: "Will Smith's Oscar Meltdown – "My Side of the Story. It wasn't staged, it was payback."
The first sit-down talk with Will Smith after the slap heard around the world . . . and it's not in 'Us Weekly.'
Naturally, the rag hasn't spoken with the actor, which instead quotes dubious unnamed "insiders" and puts the words in Smith's mouth anyway. Alert the Pulitzer committee.
"William & Kate's Tour de Force."
Their Caribbean trip mixed "business with pleasure" as they danced with locals, played drums and scuba dived.
Oh yes, buried deep in the story is passing mention of "some political friction" but the rag insists the royal duo "enjoyed themselves immensely." The way one does when being repeatedly told to go home and pay restitution for your ancestors' enslavement of abducted Africans forced to labor in sugar plantations.
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
"Screen Queens Tell All – How We've Changed. Secrets, Scandals & Sacrifices."
This cover story promises to reveal Lori Loughlin's "divorce talks," Jennifer Aniston's "serial dating," and Demi Moore's "in love at 60!"
But is it really a tell-all when none of the trio speaks to the mag?
'Life & Style'
Kelly Clarkson reveals: "How I Survived the Divorce From Hell!"
No doubt by drawing inspirations from the tabloids.
"3 Shocking Tell-Alls – Destroying the Kardashians"
The cover story features photos of Kim and Khloe Kardashian with momager Kris Jenner – but they're not the ones telling all, apparently.
It's Kim's ex Kanye West, Kris's ex Caitlyn Jenner and Khloe's ex Tristan Thompson who allegedly "expose 'disgusting' secrets."
Inspirational journalism at its best.