'National Enquirer'
"Joe Biden Dementia Crisis!" screams the 'Enquirer' cover story.
The President is allegedly suffering "bizarre hallucinations," "shocking memory loss," and is "dazed & easily confused."
Sounds just like every Republican who hallucinated that the January 6 insurrection never happened, and who don't remember a thing about it when questioned.
Of course, the 'Enquirer' calls denials of Biden's mental health problems a "White House cover-up."
"Julia Roberts Trashes Hollywood!"
No, she doesn't. She simply said in a recent interview she hasn't appeared in a rom-com in 20 years because she couldn't find a script she liked. Though it went unsaid, it's probably also because most rom-com leads are offered to actresses 20 years her junior.
"Mick's Ex Can't Get No Satisfaction From Al."
Al Pacino is reportedly failing to satisfy his 28-year-old girlfriend, former Mick Jagger flame Noor Alfallah.
But there's nothing in the story to say that Alfallah isn't happy with Pacino, aged 82. It's just the 'Enquirer' frowning sanctimoniously at the couple's age difference, and quoting unnamed sources who warn "to not expect things to work out."
Where's Nostradamus when you really need him?
"Harry Kicks William & Charles Again."
It's billed as an "Enquirer Exclusive," which is a bit rich for a story based on quotes taken from Harry's interview with NBC's Today show host Hoda Kotb. Harry claimed to be "protecting" the Queen, which is interpreted as a slap in the face (or a kick) to his father Prince Charles and brother Prince William, who actually do that job full-time.
"Escort Service Got Phil's Ex Easy Lover."
I had to read this headline five times before finally figuring out what it was trying to say. Rocker Phil Collins' ex-wife Orianne Cevey allegedly "shopped for her estranged toyboy husband on an escort website" before moving him into Collins' Miami Beach mansion, according to legal documents.
It all makes sense now.
"All Foxed Up!"
I think that's supposed to be a play on words by the literary genius sub-editors at the 'Enquirer.' In a "world exclusive" the rag claims that Fox stars Tucker Carlson, Jesse Watters and Greg Gutfeld are "caught in sex and drugs nightmares."
How the worm has turned.
"New Bio-Lab Leak Ravaging China!"
Residents of Shanghai and other major Chinese cities are under Covid lockdown, but the 'Enquirer,' with its mastery of geopolitical reporting and sources inside the highest levels of the Chinese government, claims that a "weaponised virus is the REAL reason" for the crackdown. Because the 'Enquirer' would know.
"New Pentagon UFO Cover-Up Exposed!"
Not exactly. The Pentagon investigates UFOs: unidentified, but not necessarily extra-terrestrial phenomena. This reportedly includes crop circles, alleged alien abductions, an "unaccounted pregnancy" and reports of sexual encounters with aliens.
While the Pentagon looks into these events, for obvious reasons it doesn't make its findings public – because most are batshit crazy. So when some of these bizarre close encounters of the third kind emerged in a cache of newly released documents from 2007 to 2012, of course the 'Enquirer' blames a government "cover-up."
Can use expect them to soon offer readers' advice on how to cover their heads with aluminium foil?
'Globe'
They've been reporting on the Queen's impending demise for years now, and sooner or later they're bound to get it right – though not necessarily with this week's cover story:'"Frail Queen's Final Farewell."
Just turned 96, the Queen is reportedly "in seclusion & fighting for life."
Despite her alleged frailty, Her Royal Highness has also reportedly issued a "stern warning for rebels Harry & Meghan," passed along her "tragic deathbed wish" to Duchess Kate, and revealed "family secrets" to Charles and William.
Not bad going for a nonagenarian allegedly on her last legs.
What was the Queen's warning to Harry & Meghan? The 'Globe' never says.
The Queen's final wish? "To save the monarchy at all costs".
And the Royal family secret she shared?
"The dying queen told the future kings forgiveness is the Windsor family's secret for survival."
Seventy years heading the British Empire, and that's the best she can come up with?
"Clothes Horse Meghan Puts On The Dog!"
The Duchess of Sussex, painted as a "woke anti-poverty crusader," reportedly "flaunts $48G wardrobe on three-day trip."
Because obviously any anti-poverty crusader worth her salt would be living in a cardboard box and wear only sack-cloth and ashes.
Celebrity brothers are being dumped and dismissed en masse in this week's 'Globe.'
"Angie Cuts her Brother Dead!" reports the rag, claiming that Angelina Jolie "has now turned her back" on brother James.
And Sharon Stone's "Stone-Cold Heartbreak!" Is reported, claiming that the actress is making a documentary with her older brother Michael Stone, who "plunged into a nightmare world of drugs and addiction" while she was enjoying "screen stardom." How thoughtless of her.
"Teen Gorilla Addicted To Smartphone!"
Who the heck is he calling?
The 'Globe' claims that 420-pound gorilla Amare at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo is "hooked on taking selfies". This is why you should never give your pet its own Instagram page.
'People'
Dame Helen Mirren, aged 76, is the cover girl in 'People' magazine's annual "Beautiful Issue." There's page after page of beautiful women of all ages – men have their own issue later in the year, though the mag deems them "sexy" rather than "beautiful" – because what could be more important than a woman's appearance?
"Don't Call it Beauty, Call it Swagger!" Says Mirren, who 'People' mag proclaim a "Hot Dame!" After ten pages of Mirren readers are treated to "beautiful" women including, but not limited to, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon, Zendaya, Olivia Rodrigo, Adele, Jung Ho-Yeon, Julia Garner, Zoe Kravitz, Lily James, Viola Davis, Carrie Coon, Andie MacDowell,, Jennifer Connelly, Juno Temple, Selena Gomez, Jessica Chastain . . . and the list goes on and on, through 34 pages of "beautiful" people.
The mag also features a new photo of the Queen standing between two snow-white Fell ponies at Windsor Castle. Doesn't this woman know she's supposed to be in isolation on her deathbed and incapable of standing unaided? She really needs to get with the program.
'Us Weekly'
After the Academy Awards "slap heard around the world," this week's cover story was inevitable:
"Jada & Will – It's All Falling Apart."
Following Will Smith's assault on Chris Rock at the Oscars, the Smiths are reportedly "Fighting nonstop & secretly talking divorce."
Sure they are. Just like 'Us Weekly' has reported time and again over the years.
"Angelina jolie – Suing the FBI?"
The rag claims that Jolie has anonymously sued the FBI "to find out why its agents didn't arrest [Brad] Pitt, 58, after they investigated the 2016 plane incident where he allegedly got physical with their son Maddox."
No bad blood between those exes, apparently. But can one actually sue a government agency anonymously? And can one sue because their investigation failed to lead to criminal charges? It all seems rather dubious, to say the least.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Vanessa Hudgens wore it best, that Drew Barrymore "can pick things up with my toes," and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza by the slice, enjoy healthy smoothies, soak up the sun, and chat on their cell phones.
Illuminating, as always.
Onwards and downwards . . .
