'National Enquirer'
Combining American politics with British royalty is a tabloid wet dream, and this week the presidential ambitions of two alleged contenders for the White House dominate the 'Enquirer' front page: "Why Trump's Trashing Harry & Meghan!"
Donald Trump allegedly wants to kill any aspiration that Prince Harry's wife Meghan might have of making herself at home in the Oval Office. He reportedly doesn't want another charismatic rival, after Michelle Obama is also supposedly musing a run for the presidency.
Trump told British commentator Piers Morgan that Harry had insulted the Queen, and calls him "whipped" by Meghan.
And the royal couple's hiring of Barack Obama's reelection guru Miranda Barbot is interpreted as an unequivocal indication that Meghan has her sights set on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Hard to argue with facts and logic, especially where Trump is involved.
"Streep's Addicted – To Housewives!"
Oscar winner Meryl Streep isn't hooked on crack or cocaine (at least, not that we know of) but apparently she has an insatiable craving for 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.' At least she's a functioning addict.
"VA Stabs Our Heroes In The Back!"
The 'Enquirer' claims that the Veterans Administration is plagued by "bribery, fraud and shoddy services." Shameful as these allegations might be, they've been levelled against the VA many times over many years. It's what qualifies a public service reporting for the 'Enquirer,' whose opinion obviously holds great sway over the governmental agency.
'Globe'
"Bill Clinton, 75, At Death's Door!" reports the cover story.
Is the former president confined to bed, unable to walk, barely able to breathe?
No. He was photographed last month at a public event in New York reportedly looking "wasted, weak & struggling to stand."
Yet photographs show him looking far from "gaunt and emaciated," despite the Globe's claims to the contrary, and he clearly walked to the stage and delivered a speech without needing oxygen bottles, a nurse or a wheelchair
A doctor who hasn't examined Clinton gave his professional diagnosis: "He looks terrible!"
Right. Call the undertaker.
"Gwyn Hiring Guru For Change of Life Sex!"
Gwyneth Paltrow is allegedly hiring a "mentor" to help her "rebrand" menopause as an exciting "new chapter" in life. Sounds like she needs to hire a marketing guru.
"MacKenzie: I Bed Mamas & Papas!"
MacKenzie Phillips claims that she was raped by her father, Mama & Papas singer John Phillips. This might be more shocking if she hadn't previously confessed in 2009 to having had a ten-year consensual sexual relationship with her dad.
"Hard Times For Harry!"
The 'Globe' employed a "body language expert" to study Harry and Meghan's interactions at the Invictus Games in The Hague last month, who found Meghan "pitch-perfect" in her affection and excitement toward her husband, which must have come as something of a disappointment to the editorial team.
But that doesn't stop them from finding the worst in her unspoken gestures.
Because Meghan hitched up her shoulder to keep a handbag strap in place while shaking hands, the body language expert accuses her of "mimicking the late Princess Diana." Just like every other Diana-copying woman who ever wore a shoulder-bag, one imagines.
So why does the 'Globe' call it "hard times" for Harry? He was allegedly "unable to hide his inner sadness in the days immediately after meeting his frail granny, Queen Elizabeth".
Or could it be that he appeared sombre after spending days meeting wounded and disabled former servicemen, while under pressure to produce his coming Netflix series 'Heart of Invictus?'
"Is This Bigfoot?"
The 'Globe' asks if a blurred white blob pictured on a thermal camera is a 300-pound Sasquatch romping through a Washington forest. Or could it just have been an overweight hunter? Which is the more likely?
'People'
Naomi Judd is this week's cover story: "A Country Queen's Tragic Death." The mag concludes that mental illness sucks.
"Minnie Driver: What I've Learned."
It's almost insulting that everything Minnie Driver has learned can be condensed into four short paragraphs. She admits having to "fight really hard for every job I ever got," and that "learning to communicate is the biggest, greatest part about getting older."
"The Who's Pete Townshend – Confessions of a Rock and Roll Survivor."
He tried to save Keith Moon from himself, suffered PTS after 11 people died at a Cincinnati concert in 1979, and takes comfort in being sober "one day at a time." At the age of 76, he must frequently reflect on the irony of decades ago writing the lyrics: "Hope I die before I get old."
'Us Weekly'
Prince William and Duchess Kate's seven-year-old daughter Princess Charlotte is this week's cover girl, with the dubious headline in quotes: "One Day I'll Be Queen."
No, she won't. And she never said that.
Charlotte is fourth in line to the throne, just as Prince Edward once was, and look how well that turned out for him. Is Edward King? Of course not, and Charlotte's chances of ever becoming Queen are slim, as she'd have to orchestrate the deaths of her grandfather Prince Charles, her father Prince William, and her older brother Prince George before she could wear the crown.
Or is 'Us Weekly' suggesting that the seven-year-old is plotting to kill her way to the throne?
Her best window of opportunity to push George under a bus will probably arrive when he is aged 16 to 22, before he settles down and starts producing heirs, but once he's married and popping our mini-royals it's game over for Charlotte.
She's allegedly "top of her class & speaks four languages."
Right. Perhaps she can say "Let them eat cake in four languages," but is she really fluent in four languages at the age of seven? Incroyable.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Christa B. Allen wore it best, that 'Stargirl' actress Amy Smart has "a huge gong that's tuned to the frequency of Jupiter," and that the stars are just like us: they wear headphones, do yard work, and eat healthy food. Because they live such interesting lives.
Elsewhere in the tabloids:
'OK!' magazine
"Jen Finally Moves On." Seventeen years after what the rag calls her "humiliating divorce" from Brad Pitt, the mag is finally acknowledging that she's over him. Ironic, since 'OK!' Magazine clung to the dream of an Aniston-Pitt reconciliation for years after both actors had given up on that, faced reality and comfortably become old friends.
'Life & Style'
But wait a minute! Brad Pitt is still struggling through the nightmare of his divorce from his post-Aniston bride, Angelina Jolie, as the mag's cover story reports: "Heartbroken Brad – I haven't Seen My Kids In 5 Years."
But that's simply not true. Pitt hasn't been photographed in public with his kids in years, but under court orders he gets to see them in private, away from the cameras, and was reportedly with them as recently as last year.
'In Touch'
The British Royal Family is caught in a "Phone Hack Scandal!" screams the front page, displaying photos of Prince Charles and wife Camilla, Prince William and Kate, Prince Harry and Meghan, and Prince Andrew with ex-wife Sarah Ferguson.
It's like a soap opera extravaganza: "Meghan 'Makes Harry Cry,'" ""Kate 'Traps William,'" "Andrew Calls Fergie 'A Fat Cow.'" And "Charles & Camilla's 'Hot Sex Life.'"
No doubt accurate and fully fact-checked with the Royal Family.
Onwards and downwards . . .
