"National Enquirer'
It's been more than three weeks since First Lady Jill Biden told Harper's Bazaar magazine that she and President Joe have "occasional" fights via text messaging, playfully calling it "fexting."
The 'Globe' ran a story on this two weeks ago, and the 'Enquirer' is finally, belatedly picking it up as the cover story in its trademark understated fashion: "Joe & Jill Biden Marriage Crisis! Nasty White House Fights Exposed!"
The rag claims that the President and First Lady are living "separate lives!" even though they both live in the White House – unlike former occupants Donald and Melania Trump, who actually did live apart for five months before Melania left New York to join the president in Washington, D.C.
An unnamed "mole" claims, none too authoritatively: "Word is, they don't ever share the same bedroom."
Word is. That certainly sounds like a detail that's been fact-checked with at least three sources.
"Charles & Camilla Save Face WIth Royal Touch-Up!"
The heir to the British throne and his future Queen Consort have allegedly "paid a king's ransom to spruce up their sagging mugs" with cosmetic surgery and procedures.
They have also supposedly "been making efforts to ease up on the booze" so that they look younger. With Charles aged 73 and 74-year-old Camilla – a self-proclaimed "old bat" as she described herself to 'Vogue' magazine recently – isn't it a bit late for that?
Camilla may have had a facelift, work done on her lips and eyes, and laser treatments for her skin, says a plastic surgeon who has never treated her. Because he'd know.
"Ozzy Beats the Odds!"
Rocker Ozzy Osbourne was "miraculously saved from life in a wheelchair by risky spinal surgery," and is "on the road to recovery," claims the rag. One imagines that a neurosurgeon who has never treated Ozzy is their irrefutable source.
"Gay Spin-Off For Downton Abbey?"
Yet another unnamed source claims that a show starring Downton's Dominic West and Rob James-Collier about two homosexuals in 1920s Hollywood "would make an amazing new show. It practically writes itself!" Which should save a fortune in hiring writers.
Technology is alive, and it's coming for us, the 'Enquirer' believes, with the headline: "Rise of the Machines!"
An ousted Google engineer reportedly claims that the company's "main computer is self-aware just like killers in sci-fi thrillers."
Well, not quite. Computer engineer Blake Lemoine believes that Google's AI is sentient, but hasn't suggested that it's turned into SkyNet and is out to destroy humanity – at least, not yet. Hold off on sending the Terminator back from the future.
Meanwhile, Chinese-made coffee machines are spying on Americans, according to former Peking University professor Christopher Balding, who reportedly claims the Chinese beverage brewers are harvesting users' names, locations and usage times. How does that help China exactly? Might they be planning a nuclear strike just when most Americans are sitting down for coffee?
Should DARPA start secretly tracking when the Chinese routinely pause en masse for jasmine tea?
'Globe'
A royal renegade runs riot in this week's rag, under the cover story headline: "Toxic Harry's Royal Rampage!"
But no, Prince Harry didn't take a machine-gun and shoot up the exorbitantly overpriced produce aisle of a Whole Foods near his home in Montecito, California.
In fact, the story makes no claims of any rampage by Prince Harry whatsoever, not even a verbal rampage.
After being marginalised while visiting England earlier this month for the Queen's Jubilee, the 'Globe' implausibly claims that "humiliated Prince Harry is demanding an official apology – from Queen Elizabeth herself."
Right. Like that will happen.
It's hard to imagine what the Queen is supposed to apologize for, since the Jubilee was clearly centered on her, and Harry and Meghan were invited on the understanding that they would not detract attention from the Queen.
The 'Globe' quotes an unnamed "insider" saying: "They were cast aside, sidelined and relegated to second-fiddle status," and their "fairy dust is fading," hurting their chances of Hollywood success.
Isn't that always the trouble with fairy dust?
Preposterously, the magazine suggests: "an apology from the queen would defuse the situation" and somehow revive their royal status in Hollywood.
Sure, because Hollywood hangs on every word uttered by the Queen, who is known to green-light tentpole movies and can make or break acting careers with a mere wave of her regal hand.
"Liz Cheney's Explosive Secret Life!"
The "anti-Trump crusader is a soccer mum who believes America can torture enemies" claims the rag.
But that's not exactly evidence of an explosive private life, is it?
The 'Globe' claims that Liz Cheney once wrecked her father's sports car, and "pushed back against gay marriage" – a stance she has since publicly repudiated.
Not so much of an explosive bang as a soft and gentle whimper.
Cheney has clearly put herself in the cross-hairs as a member of the House committee investigating the events of January 6, 2021, and she allegedly has previously defended the use of waterboarding, endorsed by her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney – hence the accusation that she supports torture.
But unless she waterboards people for fun in the privacy of her own home, it's hard to know how that is explosive.
"Sex Creep Andrew Twisting in Wind!"
Beleaguered Prince Andrew is "branded a $2 million deadbeat" with that sum allegedly owed to a couple who have gone to court to freeze the sale of his Swiss chalet.
Andrew supposedly wants to use the proceeds to repay Prince Charles, who the rag claims loaned him the cash to pay off his child sex abuse accuser Virginia Giuffre. At least it was for a good cause.
"Jaunty Johnny's Sweet Revenge!"
Johnny Depp, fresh from his courtroom defamation victory over ex-wife Amber Heard, is allegedly penning a "tell-all book" that will "settle scores with phonies who abandoned him," the 'Globe' proclaims.
Does Depp really have anything left to tell after spilling his guts in court about his drug and booze abuses? And why would he want to bad-mouth Hollywood "phonies,"unless he's looking forward to being dragged into another defamation trial?
"Ozzy Osbourne Devastated By Back Operation."
Just when the 'Enquirer' is reporting that he's making a miraculous recovery, the 'Globe' claims the veteran rocker is "writhing in pain" and faces a "lengthy period of convalescence."
You pays your money, you takes your choice.
'People'
"Justin Bieber's Face Paralysis Ordeal" dominates this week's cover.
The Biebs believes: "I'm Gonna Get Better." He's apparently coping by "finding strength through faith and his wife, Hailey."
Because prayer and a strong marriage will always heal a clinically frozen face: that's a medically proven fact.
"Happy 40th, Prince William!"
After four decades of appearances in 'People' magazine you'd think the least they could do was give him the cover. But no. William merits two anodyne paragraphs along with 40 photos of him through the years, looking, as the mag might say, great at any age.
"Kim Kardashian – I'm So Much Happier In My Skin Now."
Especially now that she's promoting her new skin-care line.
'Us Weekly'
"William Cuts Off Harry," screams the cover. "No Way Back."
Well, there's always a way back. But the rag claims that Prince William is "grieving" over the "total collapse of their relationship," while "Harry crossed the line – and he won't apologize."
He's probably waiting for the Queen to apologise first.
Tom Hanks was caught on video with his hand shaking uncontrollably, prompting 'Us Weekly' to ask: "What's Wrong With Tom?"
Because of course the mag has no idea.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Uzo Aduba wore it best (orange may be the new black, but she's clad entirely in emerald green), that TV personality and 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' star Erika Jayne's favorite item in her wardrobe "is my emotional support sweatpants," and that the stars are just like us: they carry a girlfriend's bags, dine in new restaurants, and soak in a bubble bath while chatting on the phone – though who sneaked into Jennifer Lopez's bathroom to snatch a picture of her up to her shoulders in soap bubbles remains open to question. Or does that happen to everyone, with paparazzi sneaking into their bathrooms, just like us?
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
'Life & Style'
Is Taylor Swift's romance with Joe Alwyn at an end?
"Heartbroken Taylor Dumped After Six Years!" claims the cover story, alleging "Fights, Threats & Too Much Drinking!"
It's a Hollywood tragedy, claims the rag: "She thought he was about to propose."
Could it be true? Break-up rumours ran rampant in 2021, yet the duo remained together. They just like to keep it on the down-low.
Cynics might argue that the mag's front page exclusive looks a little shaky considering that it hit newsstands on the same day that paparazzi captured Swift and Alwyn on vacation together in the Bahamas, swimming and indulging in copious quantities of PDA.
'In Touch'
Prince William at 40 is this week's cover boy, with the headline: "Lessons I've Learned."
One of those lessons is undoubtedly not to talk to 'In Touch' magazine, which compiled its story without the assistance of the heir to the heir to the throne.
Onwards and downwards . . .
