National Enquirer
"George Santos – American Psycho!" screams this week's typically understated cover.
The tabloid of record quotes "mental health" experts who have never met the New York Congressman and yet declare him "a sociopath who displays signs of multiple personality disorder!" Or maybe he's just a stinkin' liar? Fulfilling their duty as a public service, the 'Enquirer' brands Santos "dangerous and remorseless" and a "threat to national security." They might have added that he's also giving drag queens a bad name.
"China Attacks America With New Bioweapon!"
The xenophobic rag once again blames China for creating the Coronavirus in a lab, and credits the nation with developing the latest XBB.1.5 variant as a "new Covid biobomb attacking America!" With typical restraint, it tells this story under the headline: "China Releases Kraken!"
"Robert DeNiro Primed to Pop the Question!"
Robert DeNiro, aged 79, romancing his longtime girlfriend Tiffany Chen, is "primed to pop the question," the tabloid claims. His marriage proposal will supposedly be "an offer she can't refuse!" That makes it sound like DeNiro plans to put an engagement ring along with a severed horse's head in her bed one night. So romantic.
"Meghan & Harry's Tacky TV Grab!"
The Prince and Duchess "are being courted by Netflix for a Keeping Up With The Sussexes reality series," claims the 'Enquirer,' according to unnamed sources. But even if they are being wooed, that doesn't make it their "tacky TV grab," but rather makes it Netflix's tacky royal grab.
"Crosby's Lonely Trip To The Grave."
Should he have taken a few innocent bystanders with him? The 'Enquirer' claims that in his later years, rocker David Crosby was "an outcast among his legendary bandmates" — as if bands usually break up and everyone stays the best of friends.
"Maxwell Flunks Prison Lie Test!"
The 'Enquirer' hasn't sat Ghislaine Maxwell down for a polygraph test, but rather ran audio of her recent jailhouse interview through its infallible DecepTech machine, and sure enough, proved that she was "lying through her teeth to protect" Jeffrey Epstein's "perverted pals." Criminal science at its best.
Globe
Another British Prince is this week's cover boy: "Andrew Destroys Epstein Sex Slave!"
Did Prince Andrew take a flame-thrower to Jeffrey Epstein's self-confessed former sex slave Virginia Giuffre? Run her over with a steam-roller? Not quite.
The beleaguered royal is elsewhere reported to be exploring the possibility of reneging on his estimated $12 million out-of-court settlement with Giuffre, in which he admitted no guilt, after she confessed to having an unreliable memory concerning another friend of Epstein she had accused: Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz.
Andrew made Giuffre's threatened lawsuit disappear, but now he is supposedly considering his options.
Or, as a supposed "high-ranking courtier" tells the 'Enquirer,' the "dirty Duke of York is totally deranged." That sounds exactly like the sort of punchy headline-ready sound-bite and alliterative speech pattern we have come to expect from high-ranking Palace courtiers, along with the 'Enquirer' stable of leading psychiatrists.
Nowhere in the story does it mention Giuffre's reaction to this, or whether she actually feels "destroyed" by the possibility of Andrew's retraction of his settlement.
"Alec's Finances Shot To Hell!"
Alec Baldwin's bank balance is allegedly "bleeding out" due to the legal bills defending himself from involuntary manslaughter charges following his shooting incident on the set of Western movie Rust.
"He's not broke," an insider admits deep inside the article, "but there are fears his finances may not be up for the huge expenses to come." Fears doubtless held by editors in tabloid magazines.
"Maxwell Exposes Epstein Murder!"
While publishing stablemate brands her a certified liar, the 'Globe' takes Ghislaine Maxwell at her word when she claims in a prison interview that she believes Jeffrey Epstein was murdered, rather than committing suicide, when he died in jail awaiting trial.
Naturally, the tabloid concludes that means "government officials are behind" Epstein's demise.
"Joe's Gotta Go!"
Displaying its trademark political impartiality, the 'Globe' claims that Democrats are deliberately trying to undermine President Biden to ensure he does not run for the White House again in 2024, allowing fresher young blood to step forward.
It's allegedly Democrats who are secretly informing the FBI where Biden has stashed classified documents around his home and office, embarrassing the Commander in Chief.
"You have to admire the elegance of the strategy," says an unnamed "party insider." Do you?
"Goodbye, Yellow Brick Load!"
With a headline that makes less sense the more you examine it, the 'Globe' reports on "fears 40 lbs of new fat is killing Rocketman Elton."
A doctor who has listened to Elton John's music tells the rag that Elton suffers from "a fatly liver" which could lead to diabetes, and that the singer is "at high risk for a heart attack." Medical science at its best.
Us Weekly
Prince Harry dominates this week's cover, under the headline: "Harry says: I'm Done!"
Only he doesn't say it to 'Us Weekly,' or to anyone else on the record.
Harry allegedly "reached his breaking point" not because of anything his dysfunctional extended family has done, but because "It wouldn't surprise Harry if the royals spilled some of his deepest secrets to the media." It's true: I'm expecting a call from Prince Charles any minute now. Harry is "convinced the royal family is hell-bent on getting revenge following the release of his bombshell book."
Allegedly "There are individuals within The Firm who will make it their mission to discredit Harry at any opportunity." Who'd have thought it?
Of course, such family back-stabbing wouldn't surprise Harry. His book is littered with tales of the royal family spreading disinformation about him and spilling his personal secrets. So why would that suddenly be his breaking point?
People
The venerable celebrity magazine is missing in action this week, at least on the West Coast. Distributors have told California newsstands that rain damage knocked out a printing plant, and so the rag is delayed hitting the streets. Could it be connected to last week's announcement of a 7 percent cut in staff by publisher Dotdash Meredith? Or even a harbinger of the magazine's long-rumored plan to end its print edition and publish entirely online?
Their online edition is meanwhile reporting that Jessica Simpson reveals "how a 'massive movie star" tried to seduce her," and quotes Priscilla Presley's son Navarone Garcia saying: "People know about me, but they don't know me." He's wrong: most people really don't know about him at all.
Life & Style
"Diet & Fitness Shortcuts" are this week's excuse for a cover story, presumably in the absence of any real fake news. Beyoncé and Jessica Beals' fitness secrets are revealed – but not by Beyoncé or Beals. Reese Witherspoon supposedly says: "I can't believe in crash dieting." Riveting stuff, as always.
In Touch
Actress Brooke Shields takes this week's cover, with "The Truth About My Past."
The actress tells of "lies, addiction and childhood exploitation" and her "horrific sexual assault." Is there ever a sexual assault that isn't horrific?
Shields says none of this in a chat with 'In Touch,' of course, but in a new documentary unveiled at the Sundance Film Festival.
Onwards and downwards . . .
