'Enquirer'
The British royal soap opera is once again this week's cover story': "Meghan To Harry: It's Me Or The Royals – Showdown over Charles' coronation."
With its remarkable team of palace insiders courtiers and close friends of the royals, the 'Enquirer' reveals that Prince Harry has been invited to his father's coronation in May – but only on the condition that he leaves wife Meghan at home in California.
"Miffed Meghan" reportedly "finds this proposal insulting and typically manipulative," which critics might say is the pot calling the kettle Vantablack.
But Harry has also allegedly laid down some demands for the royals: "he gets a front-row seat and isn't shunned as a total outsider."
Seems to be asking a lot.
Sharing front page honors is "Putin's Secret War on America! Russian spies hit US power grid!"
Taking their cue from episodes of 'The Americans' and 'Homeland,' the 'Enquirer' claims to have uncovered "Russian Sleeper Cells Attacking America!"
The rag reports that there have been at least nine attacks on electrical substations in the past three months in North Carolina, Oregon and Washington State, cutting power to thousands.
The fact that three white supremacists pleaded guilty to recent attacks on generating stations doesn't shake the 'Enquirer' from its belief that Vladimir Putin is "waging a secret war against America right under our noses".
In what the 'Enquirer' modestly calls "a heart-pounding world exclusive," it seems to think that Russian agents have spent decades hiding in the US, only to emerge and cut power to a few rural folks, generally doing less damage than most windstorms manage without Russian influence.
"Humiliated Ben Talking Divorce." After Ben Affleck appeared visibly bored seated beside Jennifer Lopez at the recent Grammy Awards, the 'Enquirer' claims: "This time J.Lo pushed too far."
All of which seems so wrong-headed when the couple celebrated Valentine's Day by revealing his 'n' hers romantic tattoos: he has their initials intertwined with cupid's arrows; she has both their names flowing into an infinity symbol. J Lo also posted loving photos from their wedding and from their ongoing romance today. No, neither of them tattooed the word "Divorce" on their biceps.
"Travolta Takes Vow Of Celibacy! Honors late wife Kelly with pledge never to romance another woman."
The 'Enquirer,' which has in the past questioned John Travolta's sexuality, is having fun at his expense by coyly saying he will never make love again to "another woman." They know what they're doing.
"Bill Gates Lands Rich Widow Woman!"
Aw, that's nice – so many people were worried whether he'd saved enough for his retirement. And he's reportedly dating a "widow woman" – but can a widow be anything but a woman?
"Garth's Bizarre Drinking Problem"
The 'Enquirer' sees it as a problem that country singer Garth Brooks "doesn't really drink, maybe a glass of champagne on his anniversary," according to an unnamed "pal." Perhaps he should seek treatment for that?
'Globe'
"Joe & Jill Are Over The Hill" screams the cover story. "She's threatening to walk if Prez runs again."
It's an intriguing question: If Joe Biden runs and Jill Biden walks, who will get to the White House first? But apparently that's not what is perplexing the 'Globe,' whose high-level sources inside the White House – perhaps the staff repainting the ceiling? – claim that the President and First Lady "are scrapping like cats and dogs over the doddering octogenarian's dream of another four years in the Oval Office."
Supposedly Jill "is desperate to spare her hubby any humiliation" from leading his party to certain electoral defeat due to his plunging popularity, "Chinese spy balloon fiasco, Afghanistan, family scandals and suspicions about his health".
Sounds like objective political reporting, as always.
"Harry & Meghan Scare Kate's Kids."
According to the tabloid of record, "Diva Duchess Meghan has earned two more enemies – Prince George and Princess Charlotte, who think their arrogant American aunt is a witch."
What? Did she turn their Prince into a frog?
Worse: The tiny tots think Meghan is a witch "for turning their henpecked Uncle Harry against his own family," according to unnamed "palace tipsters."
Right. That's exactly the sort of family politics that nine-year-old George and seven-year-old Charlotte are most concerned about. And what about their youngest brother, Prince Louis? Are readers to infer from his silence that he's part of Team Harry?
"Man-Hungry Demi On Cruise Patrol!"
Demi Moore is allegedly "out to land Top Gun Tom," her erstwhile co-star in A Few Good Men.
"He's not exactly discouraging her," claims a friend.
"Stem Cell Therapy Easing Ozzy's Parkinson's!"
Sure it is. That's why the 'Globe' hopes the "ravaged rocker will return to stage." Sure he will.
"Game of Thrones."
The rag displays numerous photos of celebrities seated on the toilet: Halle Berry, Emilia Clarke, Billie Eilish, Busy Philipps, Jason Biggs, Kaley Cuoco and more.
Naturally, being a serious publication, the 'Globe' turns to a psychiatrist, Dr Gilda Carle, to explain why stars are revealing themselves enthroned on the loo: They have a "need to be seen" and "don't care that they are wiping away the veneer of elegance Hollywood once had," says the "celebrity shrink."
'People'
"The Sweet Life of Paul Rudd" dominates this week's cover.
The 'Ant-Man' star and "reluctant heartthrob" is still looking boyish at 53, two years after the mag named him the "Sexiest Man Alive." He is charming, self-deprecating, and struggling to choose between orange and white Tic Tacs, confessing: "That's a real Sophie's choice for me." Isn't it always?
"Massachusetts Mom Kills Her 3 Young Children. Was It Psychosis . . . Or Premeditated Murder?"
Prosecutors accused Lindsay Clancy of strangling her children; loved ones say that is impossible. Clancy, who was suffering from postpartum depression and is now paralysed from the waist down after falling from a balcony in the aftermath of her children's murders, has pleaded not guilty.
Her husband, Patrick, asks people to "find it deep within yourselves to forgive Lindsay, as I have."
'Us Weekly'
Perennial cover girl Britney Spears is back, as the rag asks: "Can Britney Be Saved? The Real Story."
It's hard not to be deeply suspicious whenever 'Us Weekly' offers to tell "the real story" about anything, since you can't even trust them with the date on the latest issue: February 27, 2023, which is 12 days distant when the rag first hits newsstands.
So, can Britney Spears be saved? Of course she can. The question is: Does she need saving? Depends on who you believe.
Unnamed "loved ones" were supposedly planning an intervention for Spears, who has in the past been placed under a psychiatric hold and for more than a decade was under a court conservatorship, before winning her freedom in 2020 following a grass-roots "Free Britney" campaign.
It's hard not to imagine that those "loved ones" who wanted Spears under a conservatorship with her money under their management might be looking for a way to reassert that control.
Spears posted on Instagram earlier this month: "I'm very much alive and well," and her husband, Sam Asghari, insisted that all was well. Does she have "too much freedom," as the rag suggests? Or are her "loved ones" simply hoping to take control of her fortune again?
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Lori Harvey wore it best, that Roseanne Barr "can burp the alphabet," and that the stars are just like us: they deliver birthday cake, read newspapers, and wear skincare masks. Revelatory, as ever.
'In Touch'
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is this week's cover girl, "Dating, Working & Forgiving Dad."
The daughter of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is "turning 17 and living on her own!" She's also allegedly earning $14,000 a week with her own dance and movie projects. It'll have to do until she gets a real job.
'Life & Style'
Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton share the cover, but little else if the story is to be believed: 'Falling Out of Love.'"
Allegedly "worried friends tell all" about Gwen and Blake's marriage: "fights, jealousy and separate bedrooms."
They are reportedly working together in "couples therapy." No doubt.
Onwards and downwards . . .
