'National Enquirer'
"Joe Biden Dementia Cover-Up Exposed!" screams this week's cover.
It's as if they've taken an old story about Donald Trump and merely changed the names, claiming that the president displays "increasingly bewildered behavior, delusional recollections, frequent disorientation and outright distortion of facts – which are all symptoms of cognitive decline".
The 'Enquirer' was happy to accept Trump's doctor's assertion in 2016 that he would be "the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency" – a quote that it later emerged had been dictated by Trump to his physician – but declares Biden's recent bill of health in his annual physical "a whitewash."
Psychologist Dr Holly Schiff, who has never treated or examined Biden, says: "All the available evidence suggests President Biden is, in fact, secretly suffering from dementia, and it seems to be getting worse."
Can't argue with science.
"Manic Meghan Melts Down!"
The Duchess of Sussex was allegedly "mortified" to be "ridiculed and humiliated" when parodied in an recent episode of 'South Park.'
"Hollywood's most revered stars are laughing at her," claims an unnamed source, though it's hard to imagine any Hollywood stars who are actually "revered" these days. The 'Enquirer' treats the judgment of 'South Park' as if it's the Ten Commandments handed down by Moses from Mount Hollywood, rather than an irreverent comedy that Prince Harry and Meghan have already said they have no intention of suing for defamation.
"UFOs Shoot Down American Missiles!"
Retired US Air Force 1st Lt. Robert Jacobs claimed to have seen a saucer-shaped craft blow an ICBM with a dummy warhead out of the sky while at an altitude of 60 miles and travelling at 14,000 miles per hour (the warhead, not Lt Jacobs).
When did this happen? September 14, 1964 – 59 years ago.
In a separate incident, missile launch crew member Robert Salas claims that "six to eight" ICBMs "suddenly and inexplicably" went offline when a "mysterious saucer-shaped craft emitting a red glow" allegedly appeared near the Malmstrom Air Force Base in Montana.
When did this happen? March 16, 1967 – 56 years ago.
Jacobs and Salas gave their testimony before Pentagon brass, though it's unclear precisely when they did so, and a so-called "UFO expert" now warns: "It's essential humans everywhere on Earth learn we're under surveillance and occasionally interfered with by extraterrestrials."
Sounds a lot like a description of Twitter and Elon Musk.
"Jinxed Jen's Lonely Days – & Nights!"
The tabloids seem to categorise women as either in love, looking for love, or giving up on love. Do they assume there's little else for a woman to concern herself with?
A "forlorn" Jennifer Aniston reportedly "gives up on finding love and happiness," and "has no desire to see friends or talk to anyone".
Is that why she was seen with Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow and Laura Dern on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this week? Could she have been reclusive because she spent the past few months filming the third season of 'The Morning Show,' which only wrapped three weeks ago?
Enquiring minds want to know.
'Globe'
"Fox News $1.6 Billion Bloodbath Exposed!" declares this week's cover.
Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham and Tucker Carlson are all "getting fired!" the rag claims under the headline: "Anchors Away!"
Supposedly the trio are being "used as scapegoats" by Fox News "in a desperate attempt by network bigwigs to save their own skins and clean house after the cable news channel's blatant, cynical lies about the 2020 election".
The unholy trinity of talking heads "were just following the company line – saying on air what bigwig execs ordered even though the hosts knew it was hogwash!"
So they should keep their jobs because they were only following orders, and not prostituting their integrity for the sake of ratings?
How are we to feel about 'Globe' sub-editors who seem obsessed with the quaintly archaic term "bigwigs"?
As for the $1.6 billion, evidently that's not what it would cost Fox News to buy out the trio's contracts, but rather is the amount that the network could be forced to pay if it loses the lawsuit brought against it by Dominion Voting Systems.
"Separate Ways For Beatty & Annette!"
Warren Beatty and Annette Bening will reportedly spend time apart – the inference being that their marriage is in trouble.
But their time apart is because both are working on different movies, so they're not splitting up at all.
The cosmetic surgery-obsessed 'Globe' claims that Cindy Crawford appears to have had "lip fillers," that Kendall Jenner "has turned to cosmetic fixes on her lips and nose to make herself hotter" – though perhaps installing a thermostat would have been better – and that pop queen Madonna posted on social media: "Look how cute I am now that swelling from surgery has gone down," though she followed this with "LOL," which suggests that she may be joking about having had surgery. As if she would ever resort to such extremes.
"Andrew Homeless!"
Prince Andrew is being evicted from his hunting lodge home on the grounds of Windsor Castle, the 'Globe' claims, but fails to include the widespread reports that King Charles is instead giving Andrew the use of Prince Harry and Meghan's former UK home, Frognall Cottage.
Andrew is allegedly "whining that he'll be forced to live like a commoner – without hunts and posh shooting parties". Perish the thought!
"Mermaid Relic Is Cruel Fraud!"
Well, there's a shock.
A mummified creature in Japan that was long claimed to be a small mermaid has been scanned by scientists and proven to be the tail of a fish merged with cloth, paint and hair. Can we expect Disney to remake its animated classic: The Little Painted Hairy Cloth Fish.
"Giant Gator Hauled From Big Apple Lake."
The gargantuan reptile was a staggering "four-foot" long, the rag reports. Giving new meaning to the word "giant."
In the Love department, Kardashian momager Kris Jenner "will never wed" boyfriend Corey Gamble, and Kendall Jenner is "lovelorn".
'People'
Michelle Yeoh is this week's cover star, with the headline: "My Life Is About Taking Risks."
It's also called being an actor.
Yeoh has also benefited from the empowerment of women in martial arts movies, from her role as a Chinese spy in 007 movie 'Tomorrow Never Dies,' to 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,' and now 'Everything Everywhere All At Once.'
"Women were relegated to being the damsel in distress," she recalls of her early days acting in 1984. Now she says: "I think we can protect ourselves pretty well. And if push comes to shove, maybe I can protect you, too."
"Fergie & The Queen's Corgis!"
Sadly not a spin-off of 'Daisy Jones & The Six,' it's an interview with Prince Andrew's ex-wife Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, who is now caring for the late Queen's two corgis Muick and Sandy, revealing: "they think I'm very funny."
Do they, indeed?
Does Fergie do stand-up comedy while the dogs chow down? And how does she know they think she's humorous? Do Corgis laugh? It seems unlikely.
Sarah raves about the Queen – "She was my total idol" – and raves even more enthusiastically about herself: "I'm a very colorful, vibrant, enthusiastic person – as an author, as a humanitarian, a philanthropist and as a really darn good friend."
She forgot to mention modest, humble and self-deprecating.
Love Watch 2023: Kelsey Ballerina "is moving on after a messy divorce, and " Renée Zellweger's boyfriend Ant Anstead "really loves her".
'Us Weekly'
Cover girl Demi Moore talks of "Fame, Family & Finding Love."
Total number of new quotes from Moore: zero. The rag cites a recent Instagram post, and quotes her 2019 memoir, but otherwise relies on unnamed sources, who offer such great insights as: "Demi is very proud of the life she's created for herself," and "She's very grateful to have such a warm and loving group of friends and family members surrounding her and supporting her." Revelatory.
Of course, she's "open to love".
"Tom Cruise – A Fresh Outlook"
After four decades in movies the 60-year-old reportedly "has a new lease on life."
According to an unidentified source, "Filmmaking for Tom these days is all about creating the whole package and making money as opposed to having that one scene where he cries or yells and generates the perfect 'Oscar clip.'"
The rag seems to be suggesting that Cruise has given up trying to find good acting roles and is instead greedily cashing in on his fame. He's sure to be happy with that characterization.
As far as Love is concerned, Olivia Wilde is "Looking For Love," singer Usher has found it, and reality star Heather Gay has lost it.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Marion Cotillard wore it best (though she really has Katie Holmes to thank for slouching in a drab, baggy beige cardigan that would dress down any Chanel skirt), that Marlon Wayans likes to "sit in my steam shower for about 10 minutes and then guzzle down half a bottle of cabernet," and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza, wear old clothes, and read stories to their infant siblings. Of course they do.
'In Style'
"Kelly Wins!" screams the cover. "Why Ryan Really Quit Live!"
So, why did Ryan Seacrest quit Kelly Ripa on morning show 'Live With Kelly and Ryan'?
"They hated each other!" claims the rag, which reports on their alleged "fights, jealousy," and for good measure throws in a bunch of "nasty rumours" that it happily repeats. The co-hosts reportedly "stopped talking off-camera 2 years ago!"
'In Touch'
"Alexa Murdaugh," the disgraced lawyer facing murder charges, dominates the cover, which promises to explain: "Why He Did It!"
Forget the fact that the murder trial is still under way at the time 'In Touch' hit newsstands, the rag explains why he is guilty of murder and revels in publishing "crime scenes photos," while claiming that "The whole family left a trail of destruction."
Rather like the tabloids.
Onwards and downwards . . .
