"Trump Orders New Civil War!" screams the cover story.
The former president, anticipating his indictment last week, told supporters to "PROTEST, PROTEST, PROTEST," and to "Take our nation back!"
This amounts to Trump commanding the launch of a civil war by his "private army," according to the 'Enquirer.'
As we now know, only a few sorry souls turned out in New York to protest the indictment that didn't happen last week as Trump had falsely promised.
A political analyst (i.e. anyone willing to offer an opinion) tells the rag to watch out for the "far right . . . They're armed. They're organized . . . That's where the danger lies."
And they're probably reading the 'Enquirer.'
"Hugh Grant – Most Hated Man In Hollywood!"
Has it been only four years since the 'Globe' branded Tom Cruise the most hated man in Hollywood? Now Hugh Grant takes that title – and for what egregious offense?
On the Oscars red carpet (actually champagne colored this year) he failed to give entertaining answers to vacuous questions from an uninspired TV interviewer who failed to understand Grant's reference to Thackeray's grand novel 'Vanity Fair' and mistook it for an after-awards party hosted by the magazine of the same name.
Asked who made his tuxedo, Grant replied: "I can't remember," which seems like a reasonable response from a man who is not obsessed with celebrity frippery, but which outraged the walking dead star-watchers who expected an anodyne response that fed the Hollywood industrial complex PR machine.
Very few people in Hollywood hate Grant, which is more than can be said for the 'Enquirer.'
"Taylor Swiftly Ties The Knot!"
Songbird Swift has secretly wed longtime boyfriend Joe Alwyn, claims the rag. Let's see if this proves to be true, or yet another tabloid fantasy.
"Travolta Greases Way To End Elvis Family Feud"
Ignoring the poorly executed pun on Travolta's hit movie 'Grease,' the rag claims that the 'Pulp Fiction' star is acting as mediator between Elvis's widow Priscilla Presley and granddaughter Riley Keough, who are fighting over Elvis's estimated $500 million estate. The 'Enquirer' seems to think that because he is a Scientologist, Travolta is the only one who can talk to both sides of the warring Presley clan, who have also been members of the questionable cult.
"Prince William's Cousins Called On The Carpet!"
Prince Andrew's daughters Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie have allegedly been ordered by Prince William and Princess Kate to choose sides: them or Prince Harry & Meghan.
There's altogether too many Royals in that sentence.
"Kate will not tolerate the cousins being all cozy with William one minute, then sneaking off with Meghan and Harry the next," says an unnamed "palace source," which surprisingly has the ring of truth to it, even if it's not true.
"Druggie Harry Deportation Nightmare!" proclaims this week's cover. "Immigration visa scandal explodes! Return to Britain isn't an option!"
Since Prince Harry recently admitted to past indulgence in cocaine, magic mushrooms and marijuana, an American right-wing group is demanding that the US government release his immigration papers, anticipating that he lied on his visa application and denied past drug use.
The theory: Harry will be thrown out of the country.
It's a storm in a tea cup, however, as seasoned immigration lawyers note that past drug use is typically ignored by US immigration officials unless it is ongoing, or the subject is implicated in criminal activity, in which case lying on a visa application can be used as an expeditious tool to extradite the perpetrator.
That's unlikely to happen to Harry, unless he listens to Donald Trump and takes up arms to launch a new civil war.
If it comes to the worst, Harry could return to Britain any time he wants. There will always be a place for him on TV's 'I'm A Celebrity – Get me Out Of Here.'
"Taylor Gets Swift Kick In the Butt!"
Unmarried singer Taylor Swift is told by her fiancé Joe Alwyn to "stop spilling details of her love affairs to the world," according to unnamed insiders, who apparently aren't 'inside' enough to know that Swift has already married. Or has she?
But if she stops writing songs about her former lovers, what would Swift have left to sing about?
The 'Globe' is getting deeply personal in its ad hominem attacks on celebrities' looks, which reek of desperation in the absence of real news.
"Droopy Gwen Busts A Move!" it claims this week.
Gwyneth Paltrow is allegedly poised to get a "boob job to defy age – and gravity."
Appallingly intrusive and body shaming, the 'Globe' claims "Paltrow's breasts have lost their perk".
She's 50 years old and embraces the natural look, so this seems like wishful thinking on the part of the mammary-obsessed grey men at the 'Globe' who also casually note: "Her tush is also heading south".
Classy. But it gets worse when the rag turns its attention to Al Pacino.
"Is Hunchback Al Chasing Off His Gal?"
How many personal insults can the 'Globe' pack into one article attacking a celebrity?
The rag goes for gold with its story on Pacino and his girlfriend Lucila Sola, claiming that "Pacino's peculiar odor and bent body may be a turnoff."
Calling the 82-year-old 'Godfather' star "a shocking mess," the mag claims "his hygiene stinks and his days as a great lover are behind him".
Says an unnamed insider: "It doesn't help that he wears the same dark and depressing clothes day after day".
And his "oddball habits" – whatever those may be – "have become a major turnoff," the 'Globe' reports, adding that Pacino can be "stinky and slothful, looking like he just rolled out of bed!"
What's not to love?
"Commander In Thief."
Donald Trump is accused of having "waltzed off with $300,000 in gifts belonging to the country."
Maybe Trump thinks that's only fair after Biden stole the election.
"Dumb Blonde Paris Tricked The World!"
Paris Hilton claims she "deliberately fooled the world into believing she's a 'dumb blonde.'"
Yes, behaving for years like an idiot will leave that false impression.
"Stressed Out Obamas Hit The Sauce!"
This is a shining example of a story written in a way that makes it clear they're struggling to believe what they've written.
"Barack and Michelle Obama are turning to booze to get them through their recent tough times," claims the magazine.
But what does that mean? Are they each knocking back a bottle of Scotch nightly, or merely sharing an occasional glass of wine after dinner?
Unnamed "sources" claim the duo "have been bending their elbows a little more than usual these days," which tells us nothing about how much they are drinking.
Michelle apparently recently spoke of visiting daughters Malia and Sasha in their Los Angeles apartment, where the girls mixed cocktails. "The martinis were a little weak," Michelle reportedly said, and that's enough for the 'Globe' to conclude that she and the former president are drinking too much, with "fears there's a problem on the horizon." Right. Hide the liquor when they come round.
Cover: Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon celebrate 35 years of marriage with their cover story: "Our Love Keeps Getting Stronger."
It's hard to imagine this issue being 'People' mag's biggest-selling of the year, especially when the two "down-to-earth stars" talk about their "enduring romance." It's all fuzzy feel-good lovey-dovey material spread over six pages, eclipsing the page devoted to the 25 killed by a Mississippi tornado, and the two paragraphs given to the six killed in a school shooting in Tennessee. "Reese's Shocking Split."
Reese Witherspoon and husband of 12 years Jim Toth announce the "difficult decision" to call it quits.
The couple "grew apart" is all the insight 'People' can offer.
Tyra Banks is this week's cover girl, as the mag promises to tell us "What's Next" after the former model departs 'Dancing With The Stars.'
She's allegedly returning to Harvard Business School, developing TV shows, and focusing on motherhood.
"I'm making my dreams – and other people's – come true," she says, assuming that we've all been dreaming of sending her to Harvard Business School.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Amber Valletta wore it best, that Marie Osmond "can drink a 32-oz bottle of water faster than anyone," and that the stars are just like us: they join their children on playgrounds, roll their luggage through airports, and nap on the couch.
Information you can use.
Harry Styles and Emily Ratajkowski's "Hot New Romance" is the cover story after the couple were recently spotted kissing in Tokyo.
The rag claims they have been secretly dating for two months, and she is "moving to London for him."
'In Touch' also reveals the "X-rated rumors everyone is talking about!"
Don't ask what they are – everyone's talking about them, don't you know?
Taylor Swift's "Long Road to Happiness" dominates the cover, revealing his she "escaped abuse, anxiety and bullying" in past romances. Not that Swift has said a word to the rag, of course, which nonetheless discusses her thoughts on "Music, Marriage & Having Kids."
The magazine's psychic reporters working overtime again.
Onwards and downwards . . .