'National Enquirer'
There's so much wishful thinking behind this week's front page headline: "Melania Trump $3.2 Billion Divorce Showdown!"
Trump would love to be worth that much. 'Forbes' estimates his worth at $2.5 billion, nowhere near as rich as he claims to be.
It's also wishful thinking to imagine that Melania would divorce Trump while he is running for another four years in the White House: four years that would prolong her elevated status and once again shield Trump from prosecution.
The 'Enquirer' claims that Melania is seeking a divorce because she is "totally revolted" by renewed allegations that Trump had a fling with former porn star Stormy Daniels. Revolted she may be, but the revelations emerged five years ago, and were told in stomach-churning detail in her 2018 tell-all book, so it's not as though the affair or Trump's abusive behavior would come as a surprise.
And as Trump's luckless third wife, the Slovenian former model would unquestionably have signed a prenuptial agreement, taking most of his empire off the table in any divorce battle, though she reportedly renegotiated the prenup to benefit her son Barron after Trump first won the White House.
The 'Enquirer' body-shaming squad is out in force this week: Singing talk show host Kelly Clarkson "subs wine for food in weight-loss frenzy," 'Today' show's Jenna Bush "is taking dieting to dangerous extremes" by eating little and exercising excessively, actor Tony Danza is "bony" and "scrawny" leaving friends "fearing for his health," and 'View' host Whoopi Goldberg "is looking to suck the fat out of her flabby, sagging 200-pound body" using liposuction, claims the rag famed for its sensitivity and compassion.
Britney Spears and Sam Asghari's marriage is "on the rocks" and the couple "lead separate lives," claims the magazine, which seems a harsh interpretation of the couple who recently returned from a beach vacation together, and are currently parted because Asghari is away filming his latest movie.
The British royal soap opera continues to entertain, with this week's offering: "Camilla Pulls Rank on Kate!"
Technically Camilla, as the Queen to soon-to-be-coronated King Charles III, outranks Duchess Kate, who won't become Queen until her husband becomes King William V, but in the popularity stakes Kate far exceeds Camilla, who many still detest for her role as 'the other woman' in the breakup of Charles' 'marriage to Princess Diana.
"Power-hungry Camilla" is allegedly "warning rival Princess Kate to show her more respect. – or else," according to unnamed sources.
Or else . . . what? Incarceration in the Tower of London? Beheading? Maybe Camilla won't let Kate borrow her ivory sceptre?
And then there are the tabloid stories we've come to know and love: "Paranoid Putin Has Private Army of Body Doubles!"
Doesn't everyone? Faced with Russian premier Vladimir Putin appearing slightly different in various photographs, the 'Enquirer' concludes that he is using a legion of doppelgängers "to hide his rapidly failing health at public appearances." It's the same logic they used when claiming that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un used body doubles because he looked puffier in some photos.
Thankfully the 'Enquirer' injects some scientific fact into its pages, with its story about spoon-bender Uri Geller: "Psychic Uri: Aliens Are On Our Side!" Apparently because of an increase in UFO sightings Geller concludes that aliens are "watching us," but since they have done nothing to harm anyone – ignoring all those claims of alien anal probes – "he believes the spying space travelers want to preserve the human race!"
Well, he would know.
'Globe'
'Queen Camilla Defiles Diana's Memory!" screams the cover.
Did she rip Diana's image out of every photo with Charles in the Palace family albums? Desecrate Diana's grave? Post a bitchy comment about Diana on Instagram?
Worse than that, according to the 'Globe': "In a low-handed bid to out-shine her former love rival, conniving Queen Camilla has chosen the designer who made the late Princess Diana a fashion icon to create her coronation gown!"
Fashion guru Bruce Oldfield, who once boasted: "I gave Diana her glamour and Camilla her confidence," has been designing for Camilla for years, but somehow the 'Globe' believes that turning to him for a coronation frock "defiles" Diana. It's hard to imagine how that could be, unless he designs a dress with Diana's name embroidered on the hem of its long train which Camilla then drags through the dirt and mud all day.
And let's be honest: is Charles' 75-year-old Queen seriously likely to outshine the memory of a glowing Diana more than half her age?
"Porn Star Stormy: My Fling With Trump!"
Six years ago this would have been a cracking exclusive, but after she has told her tale in numerous interviews, books and personal appearances, this is just a rehash of ancient material.
"Ringless Sam Begging Brit To Back off!"
Like most actors, Sam Asghari doesn't wear his wedding ring when he's on set filming a movie. It's not necessarily because he's having marital problems with Britney Spears.
"America's Oddest Family!"
No, it's not the Trumps, who must have come a close second. It's allegedly the Whittakers of West Virginia, a supposedly "inbred group who live in devastating squalor" and who speak "in grunts and barks." It sounds like this family, whose talents are captured in a documentary film, might make more sense than the Trump clan.
'People'
Hollywood "power couple" Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos dominate this week's heavily-airbrushed cover under the anodyne headline: "Mixing Love and Work." The husband-and-wife team who co-host morning show 'Live' following the departure of Ryan Seacrest are "still smitten after 28 years." Aren't we all?
Jeremy Renner talks about his "incredible recovery" three months after being buried beneath a snowplow, the rag explores "what really happened" in "Taylor Swift's Sudden Split" ("Ultimately they weren't the right fit for one another," says an insightful unnamed source); and Camilla is dubbed "the Unlikely Queen," which hardly seems right considering she was married to the man who became King.
'In Touch'
Taylor Swift didn't just grow apart from her boyfriend of six years Joe Alwyn – according to 'In Touch' magazine "devastated Taylor" was "Betrayed By Joe!" She allegedly gave him a marriage ultimatum which backfired, and their "make-or-break vacation ends in tears" after he walked away. At least he left her something to sing about.
'Life & Style'
'What do Shakira, Olivia Wilde and Ariana Grande have in common?
According to 'Life & Style,' "They're Telling All!"
But you're dreaming if you imagine that any one of them would talk to this magazine.
The other thing they allegedly share: "Revenge on their exes – getting even making millions & looking hotter than ever!" Right.
Onwards and downwards . . .
