'National Enquirer'
The tabloid weight police are out in force again, dominating this week's 'Enquirer' cover with "Hollywood's 10 Biggest Losers!"
Equating a thin body with social acceptability, the rag praises "heavyweight stars" who have gone "from flab to fab!"
Naturally the 'Enquirer' eviscerates the stars for "Extreme diets! Stomach surgery! Dangerous drugs!" and identified Jonah Hill, Rebel Wilson, John Goodman, Jessica Simpson, Adele, and Drew Carey are allegedly among those who have decided "Fat is not where it's at in Tinseltown!"
"Medicaid Booting 15 Million Americans!" reports the 'Enquirer,' asking readers: "Are you on the list?"
Disappointingly, the rag does not print a list of all 15 million names.
The 'Enquirer' is always quick to hammer a nail into a coffin before a celebrity is anywhere near the grave, and this week they target Michael J Fox and Celine Dion. Fox fell onstage during an event in Philadelphia, and unnamed "experts" claim that the actor "is tragically facing the beginning of the end of his fight with Parkinson's disease!"
Would those be experts in studying video of celebrities falling? Or experts in the beginning of endings?
"Celine Confined To Wheelchair!" declares the magazine, after the singer cancelled concert tour dates through 2024 after a diagnosis of stiff-person syndrome, and the 'Enquirer' compassionately concludes: "Things keep going from bad to worse".
"Paranoid Harry Has Daddy Issues!"
Prince Harry "believed King Charles wasn't his father and palace was plotting to oust him from family!"
In recent testimony in London's High Court the prince did indeed admit that there had been a time in his youth when he questioned whether his real father was Princess Diana's lover James Hewitt, and felt that the Royal Family was trying to marginalise him.
But it stretches credibility that the 'Enquirer' would find a "well-placed royal source" who would say, in perfect tabloidese: "Harry admits being paranoid, but he seemed delusional at times. He seems to blame anyone but himself for the negatives in his life and refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions."
Corinea Stanhope recently found a dead deer near her home in Powell River, Canada, so she set up a security camera to see if any animals would approach at night. Instead, her camera supposedly captured two near-naked women who are seen approaching the carcass and lifting the dead deer's hoof.
"Wicked Witchcraft!" concludes the 'Enquirer," claiming to see "a pair of naked witches chowing down on the dead doe's hoof!" even though Stanhope herself is quoted saying: "I don't know if she was kissing it, smelling or eating it". And since long hair looking suspiciously like wigs obscured the two women's faces, Stanhope admits it could have been a "prank" by local youths. The 'Enquirer,' of course, is open to the possibility that they could be "walking demons," "evil spirits" or "a skin walker". Seems like the only logical explanation.
What are we to make of the full-page ad for "Disney's Timeless Magic Cuckoo Clock." Does anyone really need a clock that is timeless?
'Globe'
"Panicked Trump Sweating Bullets!" screams the cover of this week's 'Globe,' claiming the former president is "sold out, scared & backed into a corner!"
Trump is reportedly in a "tailspin as aides, lawyers & loyalists sell out to save themselves."
The rag claims that "loyalists in the Oath Keepers and Proud Boys movements" will "spill their guts" to prosecutors investigating the 2021 insurrection, identifying Trump as "the mastermind behind the attempted coup."
An unnamed "political insider" – could a source be more vaguely identified? – says: "It seems like only a matter of time before someone close to the president is charged – and then they'll have him. They'll have Trump dead to rights."
No doubt Trump will offer up his wrists to a pair of waiting handcuffs and say: "You got me copper,"
"Proof UFOs Have Crashed On Earth!"
If "proof" is one person claiming something without evidence, then yes, the 'Globe' has proof of alien spacecraft landing on Earth.
Christopher Mellon, a former Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defence for intelligence under Presidents Bill Clinton and George W Bush, claims to have referred four military whistle-blowers who worked on projects involving potentially alien technology to the All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office (AARO) currently investigating reports of UFO encounters with military personnel. Mellon also claims to have personally seen reports on an alien "reverse engineering project" built on recovered UFOs. Can't argue with science.
"William Won't Forgive Harry!"
After Prince Harry's past year airing the royal family's dirty laundry in a streaming series and in his memoir 'Spare,' apparently his older brother Prince William "doesn't think blabbermouth brother & wife can change spots."
Harry and Meghan have supposedly extended an "olive branch" to his estranged family, amid reports that his coming TV, film and book projects won't be exploiting any further royal secrets (as if there are any left.) "For William, it's a case of believing it when he sees it," says an unnamed palace courtier.
The weight police are on the attack again in the 'Globe,' targeting an allegedly champagne-guzzling Mariah Carey – "Mariah Meltdown Over Bubbly Bloat!", "Blubbery Blake" Shelton who is allegedly "at least 30 lbs overweight," and "308 lb Lizzo" – weighed to the ounce by the tabloid's crack 'Guess Your Weight' team – who reportedly continues "her bizarre push to make obesity okay". Body positivity is apparently an alien concept to the 'Globe.'
"The most hated woman in Hollywood" is allegedly Katy Perry, a judge on TV's 'American Idol,' claims the 'Globe' under the headline "Why People Hate Katy Perry!"
Supposedly it's because of her "shameful attacks" on contestants. Except that's precisely what made the show's original judge Simon Cowell famous: the willingness to be brutally honest rather than sugar-coat any criticism.
'People'
"Harrison Ford Is Cooler Than Ever," proclaims the cover story, which might have added: " . . . for an 80-year-old."
With his trademark curmudgeonly loathing of interviews, barely hiding his contempt for stupid questions, Ford reveals as little of himself as possible while still fulfilling his contractual obligation to promote his coming movie 'Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny.'
He tells a reporter that he has "the map of Chicago tattooed on my back . . . and when I look in the mirror I get all confused." Sadly, he then confesses he's only joking.
Ford is No.1 in the magazine's list of "100 Reasons To Love America." Among the other 99: Taylor Swift, Waffle House, the US women's soccer team, Bad Bunny, Arizona's Monument Valley, Pedro Pascal, Bruce Springsteen, milkshakes, Airstream campers, the Hugo Spritz (it's a drink, if you didn't know) and NASCAR street races.
'Us Weekly'
"Why I'm Happier Than Ever," declares Jennifer Aniston as this week's cover girl. Not that she ever spoke with 'Us Weekly' – heaven forbid! And in fact she never even utters the words: "I'm happier than ever." She simply told 'British Vogue': "I feel better in mind, body and spirit." To-mato, to-mah-to.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Taylor Russell wore it best (with a cruel 95-5 shellacking of Sophia Anne Caruso), that Olympic figure skater Adam Rippon has "Meryl Streep's name in my phone book in case she gives me her number," and that the stars are just like us: they eat dessert, check themselves in the mirror, and chop wood (though honestly, when was the last time you took up an ax to chop wood like a star?)
'In Touch'
"Harry Betrays Meghan!" screams the cover, as the prince revealed "the real reason" he broke up with ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davey, was who allegedly "the love of his life."
All this was apparently exposed in Harry's "courtroom bombshell in London." Indeed, Harry told the court that he believed media intrusion led to the break-up on his romance with Zimbabwean heiress Davy – but he never said she was the love of his life.
In his memoir 'Spare,' published in January, Harry admitted that "there were loads of feelings still there" for Davy when she was invited as a guest at Prince William's wedding to Kate Middleton in 2011, but that hardly amounts to betraying Meghan, who he didn't meet for another five years.
'Life & Style'
"Hollywood Dads Tell All!" declares the decidedly unexciting cover, presumably tailored for the coming Father's Day. If you're expecting earth-shattering revelations, prepare for disappointment. Chris Hemsworth "homeschools his kids!", Ryan Reynolds is "raising strong daughters!", Dwayne Johnson "loves getting pranked!", and John Legend is "always on diaper duty!"
That should change fatherhood as America knows it today.
The magazine reveals the Hollywood fathers with "sweet bedroom routines, passing up millions to stay home & struggling with 'little monsters.'"
Hard to believe.
Onwards and downwards . . .
