'National Enquirer'
The American branch of the British royal family dominate this week's cover with thoughtful reflection on Spotify ending its deal with Prince Harry and Meghan.
"Grifter Harry & Meghan Fired!" screams the front page.
Their "$15M podcast scam blows up" as Spotify dumps the royals, who "Didn't deliver! Faked interviews!" and are "Lazy & talentless!"
Apparently the 'Enquirer' isn't a fan.
Saying that the royal couple have "the grift of grab," the rag reports that "No-talent . . money-grubbing" Harry and Meghan were fired by Spotify because "the lazy pair didn't break a sweat to earn their keep!"
Fair and balanced reporting, as always.
A "terrible curse" destroyed the Titan submersible as it dived toward the Titanic wreckage, apparently.
"Spooked sources suggest the recent OceanGate disaster may have been caused by the vengeful souls of 1,500 people who perished when the doomed steamship struck an iceberg and sank in 1912!" the 'Enquirer' explains, apparently with a straight face.
Who are these "spooked sources," and where does a reporter find them? In Disneyland's Haunted Mansion, maybe?
"Biden Dodges Bullet With Son's Plea Deal."
The president is "accused of pulling strings to help Hunter – and himself!"
Republicans accusing Joe Biden of interfering with the Justice Department investigating son Hunter's tax evasion? Shocking. Biden, unsurprisingly, insists that prosecutors had a free hand.
More royal drama as Sarah, Duchess of York, allegedly is manipulating the Princess of Wales, Kate, to beg King Charles not to evict Prince Andrew from the royal residence she still shares with her ex.
"She's trying to get Kate to intervene on their behalf," according to unnamed courtiers, who appear to spend their entire time gossiping about the royals.
The weight police are out in force again, this time targeting Sharon Osbourne: "Yikes! Sickly Sharon Is Scary Skinny!"
The former maven of TV's 'The Talk' has allegedly "lost 30 pounds on diabetes drug" and now weighs "an unhealthy 105 pounds."
The infallible 'Enquirer' 'Guess Your Weight' experts are doubtless uncanny in their accuracy, but who are they to say she's unhealthy?
If you've been wondering why the ocean is looking incarnadine lately, apparently it's not an algae bloom – it's the "Jaws of Death!"
"Sharks turn US waters red with blood in summer feeding frenzy!" claims the 'Enquirer,' citing 16 "savage attacks" so far this year – though none has been fatal.
"Adele's House of Horrors."
The singer is renovating the Los Angeles mansion she recently purchased from Sylvester Stallone, and "can't make up her mind" about faucets and colour swatches. Oh, the horror.
'Globe'
"Kevin Costner Cheating Scandal Explodes!" declares the cover. "Untold story behind brutal $250M divorce."
The 'Globe' claims that in mid-divorce Costner "has been blindsided by the bombshell claim he fathered a love child with a crew member" – a claim it quickly calls "bizarre gossip," suggesting that even the 'Globe' is highly dubious about this story.
Costner's team reportedly call the allegation "garbage and totally malicious . . . hurtful and damaging." Good of the 'Globe' to repeat it anyway.
"Lonely Tom Can't Find True Love!"
Tom Cruise is allegedly telling friends that "finding the right gal is nearly a Mission: Impossible!"
Allegedly the "Top Gun hunk has gotten picky after three divorces."
And then there's the little detail of his devotion to Scientology.
If he keeps referring to women as "gals" he might have an even tougher time finding one to share his Operating Thetan Level VIII lifestyle.
"Brats Enough!"
King Charles is allegedly "livid" that son Prince William and his wife Kate let their "spoiled children" run wild, ordering them to "rein in their kids' embarrassing behavior – or he'll ban them from future public functions!"
Allegedly Charles and Queen Camilla "are furious their thunder is being stolen by the grandchildren!" Right.
The tabloids have many faults, but occasionally they can come up with a great opening sentence, such as the one below the headline: "Unabomber Was CIA Frankenstein!"
"Unabomber murderer Ted Kaczynski was turned into a paranoid schizo terrorist by secret CIA experiments run by a mad scientist when the Harvard math prodigy was a human guinea pig for the horrific MK-Ultra brainwashing project, say sources."
Apparently Kaczyński was part of the CIA's atrocious project, though whether it turned him into a mad bomber is open to debate.
"Spies Infesting Mar-A-Lago!"
Because Donald Trump's Florida mansion was visited by an estimated 10,000 guests a year at events, and the claim that Trump rarely performed "deep background checks" on the staff, the 'Globe' concludes that foreign spies had open access to all the classified documents the former president is accused of criminally leaving unguarded around the estate.
"Foreign agents infiltrated" Mar-a-Lago," declares the 'Globe,' offering as proof the fact that Chinese national Yujing Zhang was caught in the mansion's lobby in April 2019 carrying four cell phones and flash drives containing computer spyware. Can't argue with that.
'People'
This week's cover sinks to new depths: "Doomed Voyage. Another Titanic Tragedy."
After the OceanGate disaster claimed five lives, 'People' reports that "questions mount about why so many red flags were ignored." The magazine has all the questions, none of the answers.
"Kevin & Christine Costner's Divorce – The Fight Over His Fortune."
Costner's estranged wife of 24 years is reportedly entitled to just $1.4 million under their prenup, but is seeking a hefty slice of his estimated $250 million fortune, and is asking for $248,000 in monthly child support. How her three kids are expected to eke out an existence on such a paltry sum is unexplained.
Of course, there's no mention of a love child.
'Us Weekly'
"My Best Body!" declares this week's cover, above the story explaining "How Gabrielle Union Stays Superfit at 50."
The actress's workout and diet secrets are revealed in one exceedingly brief paragraph that doesn't include a single quote from Union – not even acknowledging "my best body." Apparently she does short workouts, runs on a treadmill, and is "90 per cent vegan," whatever the hell that means – perhaps she eats meat and fish 10 per cent of the time?
She's part of a six-page "Fit For Summer" spread which looks suspiciously like an excuse just to display celebrities in bikinis.
Tragically, this week the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' fails to tell us "Who Wore It Best." Perhaps no two stars wore matching outfits this week? Or did all the stars look amazing in everything they wore?
At least the rag informs us that celebrity hairstylist Chris Appleton's favourite meal is "beans [on] toast," and that the stars are just like us: they travel with their family, groom their children's hair, and sing karaoke. Illuminating as ever.
'In Touch'
"Meghan & Harry – Fighting Back!"
The royal renegades are telling "Our Side Of The Story." They allegedly talk about "Lies, Mental Health & Getting Axed!"
But you can be certain that neither Harry nor Meghan uttered a single word to 'In Touch' reporters.
'Life & Style'
"Hot Summer Romances!" dominates the cover – a guarantee that little in the way of real celebrity news happened this past week.
Among the lovebirds probed: Kylie Jenner & TImothée Chalamet, Leonardo DiCaprio & Gigi Hadid, and Kaia Gerber & Austin Butler.
The rag reveals their "candlelit dinners, trips to Paris & a secret proposal!"
"Which hunk is hiding a dark past?" asks the mag. Does anyone care?
Onwards and downwards . . .
