'National Enquirer'
Prince Harry and Meghan just can't win. If they are together all the time the tabloids say he's "henpecked" and "under her thumb." If he goes off to explore the possibility of an Africa-themed film or TV production, their marriage is supposedly on the rocks.
That's the inspiration behind this week's 'Enquirer' cover story: "Harry & Meghan Trial Separation! He's heading to Africa for Peace & Privacy! She's staying in USA for money & fame!"
It's an interpretation that was quickly denied by the royals' reps, and yet another sign that they just can't catch a break.
Robert F Kennedy Jr is branded "The Incredible Hulk" as he appears fit and muscular in recent shirtless photos. The 'Enquirer' naturally concludes: "Beefy Bobby Kennedy triggers steroid scandal." Not that there is any scandal, or any suggestion that the anti-vax presidential wannabe is taking body-enhancing stimulants, but only that "insiders fear" that Arnold Schwarzenegger "has encouraged" him to use the drugs. Who needs evidence when one has anxious insiders?
"J. Lo's Going Bald!" claims the rag. Or did she just pull her hair back tight for a recent photo?
"Biden Accuser Passes Funny Money Lie Test!"
IRS whistleblower Gary Shapely's claim that government superiors would not let him follow up leads that could have linked President Joe Biden to son Hunter Biden's allegedly shady business practices has been put to a voice analysis test – pseudoscience at best – and concluded tat Shapely "was consistently being truthful." Right. Can't argue with the facts.
'Globe'
"Costner's Brutal Blood Feud With Wife!" Screams the cover story about Kevin Costner's divorce from his wife of 18 years, Christine Baumgartner. Promising to take readers "inside ugly $250M divorce," Costner allegedly brands his estranged wife a "gold digger" while she "calls him a cheapskate!"
Harry and Meghan just can't win. The 'Globe' claims he has been dumped by friends, under the headline: "Buddies Ditching Paranoid Prince!" Allegedly "Harry has become different dude since marrying Meghan." But the only evidence the 'Globe' offers is Harry skipping the wedding of his friend Jack Mann, and allegedly ignoring other social invitations. But that would be Harry turning his back on his friends, not being snubbed by them.
Naturally Harry is portrayed as "hen-pecked" while Meghan is his "control-freak wife" while an unnamed insider claims: "he's happiest just being by himself or with the kids and Meghan." Shocking.
"UFO Death Rays Turn Folks Into Crispy Critters!"
It's a throw-back to the weird and wonderful days of the Weekly World News, but this latest claim that "Earth can't stop space invaders" is attributed to none other than Tennessee Republican congressman Tim Burchett, a member of the House Intelligence Committee.
Burchett claims that alien technology includes interstellar craft that can travel at unprecedented speeds through space and under water, armed with advanced weaponry.
"We are out of our league," he reportedly said. "We couldn't fight them off if we wanted to."
But Burchett has good news for humankind: "I don't think they're a threat to us, or they would have already attacked!" Phew! This is what passes for intelligent life in Congress.
"Bill Gates' Snoops Targeted Female Staffers' Sex Lives."
Job candidates at Microsoft "claim they were forced to answer a battery of pervy questions" exploring applicants' porn habits, whether they kept naked photos on their phones, or had ever been an erotic dancer. All routine job application questions, one imagines. Somehow the 'Globe' links this to Bill Gates allegedly being blackmailed by billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, and Gates' affair with a co-worker almost two decades ago.
"Costner vs Costner."
Kevin Costner's estranged wife Christine Baumgartner claims she needs more than $200,000 a month to survive. How does anyone survive e on less?
'People'
Has a long-time murder mystery finally been solved? 'People' magazine suspects so, with its cover story: "Catching the Long Island Serial Killer."
Offering "shocking new details," the mag looks at Manhattan businessman Rex Heuermann, accused of committing at least three of the ten unsolved murders along Gilgo Beach.
Heuermann has told his attorney: "I didn't do this," but investigators say additional charges could follow.
"Sofia Veraga & Joe Manganiello – Their Shocking Split." This gives a new definition to the word "shocking," considering that it's a minor miracle that any marriage survives in Hollywood.
"Lisa Marie Presley's Autopsy Released – Details of Her Tragic Death Emerge."
Elvis's daughter apparently died of a small-bowel obstruction that developed following bariatric surgery years earlier, having endured months of "feeling feverish and vomiting."
'Us Weekly'
TV host Maria Menounos is this week's cover girl, offering her thoughts on "My Miracle Baby."
She talks about motherhood "after a 10-year struggle with infertility and cance," discussed her surrogacy journey and her first days with daughter Athena.
"Love Is In The Air" allegedly for Brad Pitt and Ines de Ramon, who an unnamed insider claims "are spending as much time together as they can."
Tragically the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' this week yet again fail to tell us "Who Wore It Best?" Have they permanently dropped this feature, or is the rag struggling to find celebrities wearing the same duds? Thankfully they can still tell us that singer Ahanti is a pescatarian whose first car was a 1990 Nissan Sentra, and that the stars are just like us: they eat popcorn at movies, cash in their spare coin change, and wash their trash cans – a strangely bizarre moment for actress Julianne Moore to be captured in mid-domestic chore.
'In Touch'
Songbird Jessica Simpson has reportedly gone "From Billionaire to Broke!" according to the cover story.
Beset by "bad luck," the singer is allegedly "$65 million in debt" after "wild spending sprees." She is reportedly selling her Hollywood mansion and "downsizing to Nashville."
'Life & Style'
Jennifer Garner is finally saying "I do" after five years of dating businessman John Miller, as the cover is dedicated to her "Wedding Joy!"
Not that she has tied the knot yet. If history is any predictor, this should mean that Garner will be announcing a split from her fiancé any day now.
She threw a "wedding" for herself to mark her 50th birthday last year, so it may be wise to take Garner-related wedding announcements with a pinch of salt.
Onwards and downwards . . .
