"The Brutal Monster Next Door!" screams this week's sensational cover. "Gilgo Beach Serial Killer Hiding In Plain Sight!"
Doesn't almost every every serial killer hide in plain sight? It's only the rare Ted Kazinsky mad bomber who is a psychotic recluse.
Apparently accused killer Rex Heuermann "gave neighbors chills long before arrest on serial killing charges."
If only people could be incarcerated for making their neighbors feel uncomfortable, the world would be a safer place.
"William Goes to War Over Cruel Camilla!"
As the new Prince of Wales, William has been gifted with his father's properties of the Duchy of Cornwall, and has put up for rent a Cornish cottage that King Charles and Camilla allegedly liked and decorated.
The Duchy of Cornwall owns 205 sq. miles of land in 23 English counties, including farms, commercial properties and luxury cottages it rents to the public, so one cottage is a minor detail amid a sprawling real estate portfolio, yet the 'Enquirer' views William offering this one extra cottage for rent as revenge in a mounting feud with Charles' wife Queen Camilla.
"Fed-Up William Twists Knife In King's Back!" declares the headline over two pages.
Much ado about nothing.
"Autopsy Horror! Vanity Killed Elvis' Daughter!"
An autopsy found that Lisa Marie Presley died from an intestinal blockage caused by scar tissue after bariatric weight-loss surgery. Surgery to lose weight can be a health issue, not necessarily vanity, but the compassionate 'Enquirer' can't tell the difference.
Honestly, it's hard to tell whose side the 'Enquirer' is on these days. First it turns its back on former favourite Donald Trump, then it sticks the knife in its beloved Fox News, and now it's uncharacteristically claiming that a Biden accuser is lying.
"Fugitive Squealer Fails Biden Lie Test!" proclaims the story, stating that voice stress analysis – unscientific voodoo, according to its critics – found that retired Israeli military officer Dr Gal Luft was lying when he accused the FBI of "burying his bombshell claims" about Hunter Biden's allegedly illicit foreign deals.
"Family Catfight Over Tippi's Lions."
Tippi Hedren, aged 92, is reportedly disappointed that daughter Melanie Griffith and granddaughter Dakota Johnson have no interest in taking over her California wildlife sanctuary Shambala.
But the story concludes: "Melanie and Dakota say they're happy to help keep Shambala alive. – they just don't want to run it!" Seems reasonable.
"Sex Creep Kevin Is Scary Space Case!"
Published on the same day that the actor was acquitted on all sex charges in the UK, the 'Enquirer' claims that "mental health pros" believe that "disgraced sex creep Kevin Spacey is suffering from narcissistic personality disorder". Can't argue with science, especially since the 'Enquirer' consulted a "battery of experts" who have never met or treated the actor.
"Biden Buries JFK Murder Evidence!" proclaims the breathless front page.
Swathes of testimony and evidence in FBI files about the assassination of President John F Kennedy continue to be redacted and hidden from public view, prompting the rag to blame a "deep state conspiracy".
Without a shred of evidence, the 'Globe' claims that the unseen files have been censored by the CIA and FBI – while still blaming Biden, naturally – and include material "proving LBJ killed Kennedy."
Except the 'Globe' hasn't seen these dossiers, so can't possibly know this to be true, while also apparently forgetting its past stories blaming the CIA and the Mafia for the assassination.
"Trump Mob Ties Exposed!"
No, it's not Trump's tacky neckties that he had manufactured in China. The 'Globe' claims that in his early years as a New York property developer Trump was "dealing with mob figures" and "used his connections to wiseguy crime bosses . . . to get jobs done quickly".
A New York property developer having dealings with the Mafia? Unthinkable!
Or, as the 'Globe' puts it, quoting unnamed sources, Trump was: "Married To The Mob!"
There are some tabloid stories that just scream "Bullshit!" and this week the 'Globe' obliges with its "breaking news" – "J.Lo & Ben Build A Sex Playpen!"
Having recently purchased a $60 million Beverly Hills mansion, the rag claims the "hot-to-trot" couple Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck "wasted no time adding a secret sex den" for "spicing up their sex life."
The rag claims it contains two bathtubs and a movie screen. Because nothing says "sex dungeon" like a bath and a movie.
Like 13-year-old schoolboys, the editors of the 'Globe' take pleasure in fart jokes, bringing us not one, but two flatulence-filled stories this week.
"Joe's Toots Turn Toxic!" declares a story reviving the canard about Joe Biden allegedly breaking wind "right in front of" Queen Camilla at the COP26 climate talks in Scotland two years ago. Biden recently met with King Charles in England, and First Lady Jill Biden stayed at home, thus being "spared an unpleasant run-in with Camilla."
It's a non-story elevated for the sake of a fart joke: Jill Biden didn't go to England, therefore she escaped the embarrassment of seeing Camilla as thoughts of Joe's flatulence still hung in the air. Ridiculous, as is the 'Globe' companion story: "Farting Windbag Derails RFK Jr Campaign Stop."
Former gossip columnist Doug Dechert allegedly let one rip during an argument over global warming with British art critic Anthony Haden-Guest. How did that involve Robert Kennedy Jr? The heated discussion supposedly happened during a fund-raising dinner for Democratic presidential contender RFK Jr. It's hard to imagine how such an eruption. – perhaps adding to global warming? – even if true, could possibly "derail" RFK. This is what passes for news in the 'Globe' these days.
"Goody-Goody Ghislaine Turns Prison Princess."
Jeffrey Epstein's right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell, serving a 20-year sentence for grooming sex slaves, has reportedly complained about sub-par jail conditions, including a lack of vegan meal options, pillows that make her sneeze, a cellmate having noisy sex all night, and another cellmate threatening to beat her "with a padlock".
Compassionate and sympathetic as ever, the 'Globe' brands Maxwell "a prison Karen".
Alternate cover stories vie for readers' attention on newsstands this week: "Tony Bennett – The Incredible Life of a Legend," and "Dennis Quaid – On Second Chances & Finding Joy."
As is mandatory for 'People' cover stories, Quaid says: "I'm the happiest I've ever been," and is "grateful every day." Tony Bennett apparently can't say the same.
Country crooner Jessie James Decker is this week's cover girl, telling: "How I'm Raising Country Kids."
The singer and mother-of-three "shares her secrets on parenting".
It's as scintillating as it sounds.
Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello: "Why Their Marriage Crumbled."
'Us Weekly' has no idea, but punts with: "They grew apart." Right.
The kinder, gentler 'Us Weekly,' having dispensed with its fashion police shaming celebrities wearing questionable attire, now appears to have completely abandoned its "Who Wore It Best" feature. This week it still carries two pages of celebs wearing the same frocks, but under the new headline "Twinning Stars" tries to find the positive in such fashion faux pas, saying: "When luminaries wear the same look, it gives 'Us' endless styling ideas!"
Endless? Michelle Monaghan and Jamie Chung wear the identical Monique Lhuillier gown without jewellery, and with their stilettos hidden beneath folds of gown there's absolutely no "styling ideas" at all on display. Sienna Miller wears the same gown as Emily Ratajkowski, but throws a heavy coat over it to ruin the silhouette. But rather than critique the coat, 'Us Weekly' notes that Miller "added the perfect pop of color . . . with a fiery, bold lipstick."
What is happening over at 'Us Weekly'? It's as if they've all joined a cult and want to give every reader a hug and tell them that Hollywood loves us, really it does.
Thankfully the rag still has its crack investigative team to tell us that the stars are just like us – they unpack boxes, take cooking classes and give their kids piggyback rides – and reveal that 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' veteran Carson Kressley is "super afraid of murky water, snakes and fish!" Enlightening, as ever.
'Life & Style'
The rag takes us inside Palace life this week with its cover story: "Kate & Charlotte – Just Us Girls!"
'Life & Style' reveals that the Princess of Wales and her daughter are friends, together enjoying "Shopping, Vacays & Sharing Royal Duties!" as well as "slumber parties at posh London hotels."
Did Kate and Charlotte sit down for talks with the rag? Hell, no.
Hollywood's "Shock Divorces" dominate this week's cover: Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello's split is explained as the mag reveals "how Sofia humiliated Joe for years," and also looks at Ariana Grande's split from husband Dalton, claiming: "She's already moved on!" As shall we.
Onwards and downwards . . .